Recovering from emotional abuse

[LollyPop87]

Hi everyone,

I'm new, but I've been a lurker for a while now. I've seen how helpful and supportive people have been on here, and I'm now nervously asking for some advice myself. I don't want to give too much away, as I don't want to be outed in RL.

My exp was emotionally abusive. Name calling, threatening to kill me if I had lied to him, screaming at me in the street, things like that.

I think, but I am not sure, that he may also have been sexually abusive too.

He would put immense pressure on me to do things I didn't want to do, would not take no for an answer (he would pressure me for hours at a time until I said yes).

Sometimes I asked to stop during sex, and he would carry on, saying 'are you sure you want to stop?' 'you definitely want to stop?' whilst I insisted that I did. (He would stop eventually).

If he couldn't see my face, I would allow myself to cry during it because I hated it so much.

I justified it because I had pretty much stopped have sex with him because of the emotional abuse, so I thought that was his way of coping with it. I can see now that I may have been wrong.

I am now with a new dp, and he is lovely. He is kind and gentle, and makes me very happy.

I am worried that I am transferring some of my issues from the past onto this relationship, and I don't want to ruin it.

Twice now, during sex, he has suggested a new position and I have become anxious and had to stop. I tried to explain why the first time, and I think he was upset that I could feel anxious with him. I found it difficult to explain that it wasn't because of him. However, both times he was very respectful about me wanting to stop, and we cuddled and he told me that he loved me.

He knows I had a bad relationship previous to him, but doesn't know all the details. He says it upsets him to hear how bad it was (but I don't think he imagines how bad it really was) so I don't really know if I can talk to him about it.

I just want to be normal. I hate that what my exp did still effects me now. I just don't know what to do. Part of me wants to talk to dp about it, but I worry that it will open a huge can of worms.

I don't really know what I am asking, but I just wanted to reach out to see if anyone has any advice.

Thank you if you have read all this, it may have ended up quite long.

How long ago did your relationship with ex p end?.

I would contact Womens Aid as they can and will help you here. I would also ask them if you can enrol yourself onto their Freedom Programme. This is for women who have suffered abusive relationships.

Hi Attila, thanks for your reply.

It ended over a year ago, so I feel like it should not still affect me.

For the most part, I have completely moved on from what happened.

Then sometimes, when I least expect it, something happens and the negative feelings come back.

Thank you for your advice, I would be nervous, but I will look into contacting them. I have heard briefly about the freedom programme before, it does look like something I may benefit from.

What your exp did was most definitely sexual abuse. I'm really sorry if it's hard to hear but pressuring you into sex and continuing with sex when you asked him to stop both constitute rape. You should always be able to refuse sex with hassle or pressure, and if you say stop, your partner should stop immediately.

Would you consider counselling? You need to come to terms with what happened with your ex before you can move on fully.

Its but a short period of time really in the great scheme of things. I have previously written to others that such abusive men take time, perhaps years infact, to fully recover from.

Your ex did you great harm; it is indeed to your credit that you are now free of him. Keep working on rebuilding your own self worth and self esteem; if your new man is really a good'un he will continue to respect you.

Good luck to you, it will do you no harm at all to contact WA re their Freedom Programme.

Thanks Cailin. What you have said is something that I think I have always known deep down, but I have great difficulty in accepting. It is almost a relief to hear someone else say it, as I feel like I'm not just being crazy.

It sounds almost unbelievable, but it is only now I am with my dp that I have realised it is ok to say no, and it is ok to stop at any point, and to expect that to be respected.

I would consider counselling, I think talking to someone about it all would help me.

I suppose it is a relatively short space of time in the grand scheme of things. Many of the things that he did affected me greatly, so I probably shouldn't expect to not be affected by them so soon after.

A year is a short time especially if you haven't had the chance to process everything properly. Your new DP sounds lovely which is great. I think if you can manage it you need to let him know how bad things were with your ex just so he's aware and he can bear it in mind - he will need to be understanding and not take it personally if you have a tough time during sex in the future. It's totally understandable that it upsets him to hear about it, and he doesn't need to talk to you about it or act as a counsellor (in fact my personal opinion that beyond knowing the facts partners aren't really well placed to support each other with things like this - the situation is too complicated) but he does need to hear the facts so he's clear on where you're coming from and so he can be aware of what you're dealing with. Knowing that he knows the situation will hopefully make you feel confident that he won't overstep your boundaries.

I was abused as a child and while I haven't talked to my DH in-depth about it (I have talked to others) he knows how I feel and he knows that the way I can react at times is to do with that and that all he needs to do is hold me and wait for the bad moments to pass. Knowing he understands that makes me feel safe with him.

I think you are right that it would be helpful for me to let my DP know how bad it was, but without giving too many details that may upset him. I think your also right that I should make sure he doesn't feel like he has to talk to me about it or help me, that would be a massive burden on him and probably not the best idea. I don't want to feel like I'm bringing my ex into the relationship.

I think the problem I might have when I try to talk about it, is that once I start talking about it I find it hard to stop. It opens it all up and I just want to let it all out. Although I know that to let it all out to someone who loves and cares for me would possibly be quite selfish of me.

I think if I talk to him about it I'll have to think very carefully about what I want to say, and maybe how I want the conversation to end, so its not just hanging there like the elephant in the room.

Thanks again for your help and advice.

It sounds like you are definitely at a stage where counselling would help, since you want to talk about it, find it hard to stop when youdo, and are having intrusive thoughts.

As others have said, these discussions should really be happening with a professional, rather than with your DP. He needs to know the facts. A counsellor can help you process the emotions associated with those facts.

Good luck - you will emerge stronger and happier from counselling, I think.