Do i take the plunge or not?

[barnsleybelle]

I came out of an emotionally abusive marriage just over 3 years ago. I'm 43 and I have a ds age 11 and a dd age 5. They are my whole world. Their dad has chose to live overseas and has zero contact with them. 15 months ago i met a lovely man who is 47 with a ds of 17 and a dd of 14. We all get on great and i am in love with him. Here's the thing though.... I work full time with no financial support from my ex and the age my kids are mean i'm pretty much full on with activities and kids stuff. My ds is football mad and that takes up a fair bit of time plus as my dd is 5 she's just starting swimming lessons and likely will get herself into other stuff too. Once our kids had met (ds of partner lives with him) i spent most weekends at his house which is bigger than mine and along with the kids went back and forth to deal with chores at home etc. I feel like he never makes the effort to put himself out to stay with me (unless it suits him). I've got fed up of this and he's taking it personal. It's not about not wanting to be with him but about my kids not wanting to be dragged away from home every weekend. He lives about 20 mins drive away from me. He's now suggested that the answer is to live together, get a place together and just go for it, but i'm scared! The kids and i have had a tough time getting to where we are now, the 3 muskateers we call ourselves, and i'm shitting myself it's too soon.

Any tips, success stories would be greatly appreciated

Oo i think you've got a valid reason to question his solution - the answer is to live together? no, the answer is for him to meet you halfway and do as much leg work as you, for now.
It sounds like he's trying to push you into his moving in, and i'd agree it's too soon.. follow your gut reaction, i personally wouldn't move anyone in after 15 months, and especially after what your DC have been through.

I don't think it sounds a very good idea to try to blend your families at the moment. Is there anyone you can call on for occasional babysitting and/or sleepovers so that you can just enjoy time together without having to drag your children into the equation?

No!

Do.not.do.it.

Think for a very long time, your dc's are too young, he doesn't sound like he gives enough.

Thanks ladies, my gut does tell me it's too soon.
I do have issues around sitters, with working full time i feel pretty crap about leaving them for nights out and i know that makes it hard to forge a relationship. Our relationship has been based around activities with our kids and time together once theyve gone to bed. My mum is quite disabled with parkinsons and my brothers have young kids of their own. Friends are great at sitting offers, but like i say, i feel like i need to be with them at the weekends to make up for the hours theyre with the CM before and after school every day.

Listen well to your gut. Don't do it. Enjoy your children, let them enjoy their home. You have enough on you plate right now. Drop the idea, or rather, he should.

Thank you rightchoice, i have every intention of continuing to enjoy my children, you are right. I think, if DP wants it to work then he will accept my circumstances and do his bit!

I think what he's suggesting will cost you your independence and security and you'd be very unwise to do it.

From his point of view, his children are older and he may well not want to be involved with younger children. I have to say that when mine were that age I wouldn't really have wanted to be involved with children as young as yours, because you feel that for the first time in years you're free to live an adult life. To be tied down again like that would be very hard.

You're both at different stages in your life, so I'd let it cool down a lot.

Firstly if you do ever move in together make sure you keep your financial independence (and own house) if possible.I would also wait for at least 2 years and see how the relationship is going. I think there are some challenges ahead if in the honeymoon phase he's not willing to be flexible.

I was like you - financially independent, lovely man, great children and my own place..several years later we did buy a joint home place and it's not been right since then. I think I've had doubts but I ignored them.

As the children grow I realise I have given up more than I have gained. I have such fond memories of my time with the children on my own. If you do move in together I suggest you have an exit plan - a way that you can leave if it doesn't work out for you and the dc's.