How do I work out what my priorities are now I'm a mum? Please use your crystal ball?

[Pinkflipflop]

I just want someone to predict how I will feel in 1, 5 maybe 10 years!

The background is that my first baby is just 2 weeks, so I know it's early days to be thinking about this but in the other hand, I'm 33 so I don't have lots of time!

My dh and I were married for 10 years before our adorable ds was born; he's only 2 weeks, doesn't sleep at night, is a dream during the day but we are totally in love with him already.

Dh and I went from definitely no children to we will try for 1, see what happens and be content. I had a really easy pregnancy and dream CS birth but looking back now when I see the miracle that is my little boy, I didn't really appreciate it enough.

But now I feel like I really don't want my ds to be an only child. We have no family around, so there are no cousins and I just feel like I want 2 children.

The dilemma is my dh is quite content with one and says he's not ruling it out but "please stop talking about it because ds is only 2 weeks!" Totally reasonable as I'm actually annoying myself by thinking and discussing it!

I'm a teacher and the main earner in our house, so if I had another baby I would have to go pt possibly 3 days and our household income would really drop.

I hope that this doesn't sound inappropriate but I can't think of another way to ask; in your experience is having 2 or more children worth it in terms of the financial cost? I feel like dh is the sensible one and thinking about what we can afford but I'm thinking of it in a different way. I can't really understand on where this motherly urge has come from. I totally understand that dh gets priority if he DOESN'T ultimately want another baby and this would be a mute point then.

With one child we would be able to afford holidays, luxuries etc but with 2 I don't think we would.

What if ds really wants a brother or sister and its too late; will he feel he missed out?

Everyone who comes to see ds says oh have another, you can't possibly have him as an only! Would have really annoyed me before ds, but now even though its not really what someone should say I can see the logic. ( I would never say this to someone btw)

Anyone have any thoughts in this? It probably doesn't make a lot of sense though

There are times when I'm glad that my children have each other - that's when they're getting on well, having fun etc, chatting away to each other.
However, there are also times that I recognise how different and possibly more pleasant both their lives would have been as an only child.
My ds 5 cannot resist winding up his sister (8) and its pretty easy really, so we spend a lot of time telling him off for being naught and her off for being mean/ hitting.
I think that there is a bit of a glow in new motherhood where you just want to repeat the feeling & experience because it is so wonderful, why not give yourselves a sensible timeframe (maybe a year) and agree to revisit it then?

It sounds to me that you are very in love with your gorgeous newborn (congratulations btw). I think I agree with your DH that you should just enjoy your little one and see how you feel in a bit. Even if you would like to have your children close together, you should wait a little bit longer while your body recovers and your hormones subside!!

When I had my DTs I knew that I wanted another one, and was really sad because my DH said he didn't (and people assumed that I was "done" now because I had two). I was the same age as you. Roll on a few years and I have now had DC3 who is great. But I really had to learn not to mourn for the next baby I thought I wasn't going to have, and just enjoy the babies that I did have.

I know it's different because you have one, but I think the message is the same. Enjoy what you've got (sounds like you are anyway) and don't stress about DC2 for a bit. In six months, see how you feel and talk to your DH about it then. Also, don't respond to any social pressure which says you need to have two. Only children are supposed to be the happiest group.

What you say makes a lot of sense, but it sounds to me that you are thinking about DC2 because you love motherhood so much and it has changed you. Enjoy that for now!

Waiting a year is excellent advice and I know that makes sense especially as I had a CS. I'm just a bit concerned about the age thing. But, yes I know I need to allow my hormones to calm down before making decisions like this.

Follow your gut.If you feel he is denying you something that means a lot to you, this resentment is not going to disappear. It will grow and if your relationship is otherwise shaky, the foundations might be distabilised in the future.You still have time at 33 and you seem to be aware of the financial implications of the choices you make and that's commendable.

Would you be happy to sacrifice the holidays to have another child? Maybe your husband might come round to this adea later who knows.

Communication is key and I'm sure your dc would appreciate a sibling. No-one can foresee what the futute holds.

I think your DH has the right idea at the moment. There is no major rush to make a decision, you are not that old!!!

You have a fabulous little boy, I think right now you need to focus of enjoying every second of his babyhood. Even if you do go on to have another one, you can't have this time back with him, so enjoy it. There will be time later to discuss having another one. When you do get to that point, there is no right or wrong answer. I am sure you would have a good and happy life whichever choice you make, it will just be different.

I don't know if this is relevant but dh is 39 so he doesn't really have time on his side either; I've just become a little obsessed with declining fertility.

If i were you I'd enjoy your little bundle for now, think about more later.

We always said we wanted 2, but after dd1 was born we seriously considered stoppingn at 1, because we wante to give her "everything". But im eldest of 6 and dh elsest of 2, and we know how much we value our siblings, so we tried again and got ds, almost exactly 2 years later. i really struggled with stopping there, but after many heart to hearts we agreed that was it.

So when we found me very accidentally pg again, we really struggled. I dont do pregnancy well (my kidneys hate it!) and both the GP and obstetrician suggested i think about termination as Id been so ill with ds. We couldnt do that, so I spent a large chunk of pregnancy in hospital, eventually eing air-ambulanced to a larger hospital for the birth (we lived very remote and rural at the time).

I was only pg again because my mirena (supposed to be more reliable then female sterilisation) fell out. Due to my kidney probs and the real risk of a further pregnancy, dh was vasectomised when I was 6 month pg.

Dd 2 was orn 22 months after ds - we had 3 under 4.

It was very hard, I'd nasty pnd and my kidney problem lasted for 18 months after the birth.

Now we have 3 dc of 9,11,13 and life is marvellous. It was our half term this week and we went to an aquarium on Tues. Ds and dd2 stood in front of the tanks with an arm round each other, pointing things out - my heart was melting! (obv stroppy teen dd1 wasnt into touching her siblings!

Im so glada that 12 years ago we decided to have another baby!

I don't think that makes any difference, as far as I know male fertility starts declining about 45, so you really do have time. Added to that I have a 36 year old friend, who fell pregnant the very first time she had unprotected sex, and a 23 year old DSD who is struggling to conceive her 2nd child, after no trouble having the first. There are no guarantees whatever age you are!

The age thing? Well, you've managed to conceive (congratulations on the birth), so from the lofty heights of the non-medically trained I would say you're ok on that front And I know I'm not you, but I had my first at 37 and my second at 41.

I kind of understand what you're saying about the finances. Before my first child was born I worried and fretted, frankly, about things that later faded away and became pretty irrelevant. I worried that I would not be able to give my ds a wonderful childhood, that I couldn't "provide" for him in lots of ways, financially probably coming out top. However, when I had him, all seemed right with the world, it all slotted into place in the most natural of ways. I suppose I gained a bit of perspective on life, having my first child.

So I say this-it's early days, enjoy your beautiful baby, let it all come naturally, and I think your material concerns may well ebb away.

As for your dh, again, I'm anon on the internet, but my Dad was 50 when I was born, my Mum 32.

Finally, I have a friend with a ds age 6 who always swore she wouldn't have another for lots of the reasons you state in your op. She regrets that now, and is thinking of having another!!

I'm one of 3 dc's, I now have 3 dc's. For me life is not about the car we drive, the holidays we go on, the expensive furniture we could have etc etc it's about the relationships we have as a family and extended family. My parents may regret that we didn't have more holidays or get a new car when we passed our driving test but I don't.

It was tough growing up at times and I didn't have a great relationship with my siblings till we all moved out and got our own lives - that was 18 years out of a potential 80 years I have to live!

On the other hand, I keep reading that only children are happier and better off. I can only go on my own experience of having siblings which is positive.

Why not wait at least six months, live for now - see how you get along with DS, let your body heal and raise the subject again in September. Or after Christmas. Or this time next year! Honestly the dynamics of a relationship can change when a baby arrives, give yourself and DH the chance to enjoy DS and see how things are. You had 10 years as a couple together before this little chap came along, it may take time to adjust.

I agree with everyone saying give yourself a year and then revisit the question.

However, if you're the main earner, why would it have to be the case that you go PT? Why doesn't your DH go PT? That way, you can still have two DC, your DC would still benefit from a parent at home, but your earning capacity would not be diminished.

From the perspective of the PFB (me) who got presented with a baby brother when I was just 16 months old can I urge caution? :) DM thinks only children are somehow handicapped & wanted us to be close in age but all it meant was that my babyhood got cut prematurely short as all the attention went on the Small Demanding One. As we got older, I was the one expected to look out for him and prevent him from his Dennis the Menace antics... and blamed when I couldn't do that. Now, even at my grand old age, I'm still struggling with a rather spoilt grown man from whom's arse the sun never stops shining... according to the DPs.

I am the DM of one solitary DS.

Enjoy making the decision....

I'm a teacher and the main earner in our house, so if I had another baby I would have to go pt possibly 3 days and our household income would really drop.
Why couldn't your DH work part-time instead?

I know it would make sense for my dh to work pt but he works shifts and it is a rotating shift pattern with different days off each week so childcare would be a nightmare, I imagine. I will look into this though!

Thanks for all the sensible and sound advice though; mumsnet gives great perspective.

I do think that I need to chill a little on the matter.

I was like that 2 weeks after the birth op, DH said noooooooo just one!

One year later and we are waiting for our ivf consultation to ttc dc2 and DH is excited about it.

But do take your time, the next few months will be hard work. You are still quite young, if you conceived naturally first time (we didn't BTW) there is no reason to think you will have a problem doing so again.

I hope all goes well with the IVF mew

Thanks pink

Enjoy your beautiful DS and try not to think about DC2 yet.
There is quite a heart rendering thread on here from LalaDipsy, a lovely lady who had one baby and then talked her very reluctant husband into having a second one. Second baby was twins so she has three DCs under two.
Husband doesn't cope at all, hates being a Dad to babies and there is much talk of divorce.
I'm not excusing his behaviour, but he really did NOT want another baby.
Please don't ignore your DHs wishes.
In the meantime enjoy your beautiful baby.

I felt exactly the same after dd1, was hormonal and a little wired! Is v early days.

dozer did you have more?

I remember that urge to have another baby immediately after my first. In fact, I think I was still in the labour room! It was such an intense feeling and I thought how weird it was, when I already had a baby. That did calm down and I wondered whether it was a shift in hormone levels or something like that.

Enjoy your baby and if in a year or so you want another, then consider it seriously then. Your body needs a rest now and you need to focus on your lovely baby.

I'm very jealous - I love the smell of a new baby and the warmth as they breathe on your neck. Just lovely.

Your husband is probably still trying to get his head around baby number one! You could feel any number of ways in a years time...keen to crack on with baby 2 , keen to get back to work for a few years, knackered and desperate to get some rest before trying again...just wait and see. Enjoy the parenting experience together and talk about it down the line. I'm 37, had ds at 36 but hubby and I have agreed we won't start trying again until ds is 2 at the earliest. We want him to have a sibling but I'm too tired to even consider it until then.

Congratulations! :)

I think you should listen to your husband - stop fretting about this now.

You really don't need to decide this now :)

Just enjoy your little boy and savour the possibility of another child in the future :o

It is a bit silly to be planning working patterns for after your NEXT child is born :o