feeling very low

[wishitwasdifferant]

This may be a bit of a rambling post
My exP and myself parted 2 years today after I found he had been cheating on me with an other woman.
I cried begged pleaded etc to no avail , it was her he wanted to be with.
I was a fool, to help him keep a relationship going with our youngest who was still at home, he would have tea here 3 times per week and we would cuddle on the sofa or go for a walk in the park anything just to keep him close. As you would expect , things came to a head and he no longer even wanted to maintain a friendship with me. He said I was only to contact him if there was as issue about the children
Bit by bit we became more friendly when he picked up our DS.OW hated this.
They both left their job (they had met at work) and went to live in France but 300 miles apart which I though was very strange, I comforted myself that it could not be the closest of relationships more of a friends with benefits
On the occasions he was home he would be quite cool towards me but would always tell me he loves me and always will and he cares for her, she is easy to get on with and there are no dramas with her. There is an age gap of 16 years.
He also said he would never love anyone like me but he could not be with me.
We had been together 26 years, so I still harboured feelings that we may one day get back .However this week I had such a shock I found out from a mutual friend they have been living together for 6 months and work together, I was so shocked I was sick and felt very similar to the first days of finding out about them
He has not even told the children this , I feel so down I cant cope all along I thought it was not a serious relationship he told me he had no plans to move in with herand now he has
I know you will all think I am pathetic but I still love him and as well as it being Vals day its her birthday and I am here alone for the first time now YDS has gone to uni and I love him, and I know with effort we could work but he is now refusing to ans calls or emails
Does anyone have any idea how I can turn this around please

You have to drop contact with this very cruel man. That's the only way you'll get past this. The last couple of years you've been clinging onto some very vain hopes and delusions and all you've got for your pains is disappointment. I'm sorry but it would not work 'with effort'.... because that is not what he wants and he is currently the one in control. He is happier with his life as it is.

When your life has been so bound up in one person for so long it's difficult to start seeing yourself as 'I' rather than 'we' but you have to make a Herculean effort to do exactly that. Tell people IRL as a first step and ask for their support. Start thinking and acting like an independent woman. Plan a holiday. Find some activities. Widen your social circle. Even think about dating.

It's very hard and I do feel sorry for you but he has to become your past. He is not your friend, he is not your lover and he has been bare-faced lying to you for years. The quicker you appreciate that the better.

In referring to him as your 'exP', are you implying that you never married him?

You say that 'with effort we could work' but in truth he checked out of your relationship more than 2 years ago and he has no intention whatsover of making any effort to rekindle what you once had together.

Turning yourself around is the only way you can turn 'this' around, and you need to hunt around for all of the remnants of dignity and self-respect which you discarded in your quest to get him back and begin the process of creating a whole new life for yourself.

I'm at a loss as to why on earth you want this man back in your life.
He's a liar and a cheat.
Not only was he unfaithful but he successfully kept you on the back burner while he was setting up a new life with his new woman.
Meanwhile, he has taken all your confidence and self esteem to the point where you think that with effort it could all work again.
You deserve much much more than this. You are independent now your dc have left home - book a holiday/evening class/whatever and get out there and make new friends. Don't waste another second of your life moping about after this loser.

^^ I agree with all of the above I'm afraid.

He's gone, long gone. You have to find the strength to say good riddance.

Can you call on support, friends, family? You need to rebuild your life so you are happier without him in it. Sounds corny, but it's the only way. If you don't this will carry on and on and it will suck the very life out of you. He is a user.

Stay on mumsnet and offload here for a start xx

thank you all
the problem is i still love him and i cannot get used to the idea of him seeing someone else, or me a friend has lined me up with a date for next week but it EP i want to be with and i cannot seem to be able to move on

The only way you'll get used to a new life is if you fully embrace it, be busy and make plans for yourself that don't involve him. It'll feel forced at first and it'll take a lot of effort but you have to start somewhere and take back control or you'll be stuck like this and very depressed for a long time.

Have you considered talking to your GP about this? It could be that you'd benefit from counselling or other treatment.

No man is worth this, love

"the problem is i still love him"

Do you really? What do you love about him? The lies about loving you? The false hopes of getting back together? The cheating? Keeping you and his own children in the dark about his living situation? Are those loveable traits in a person?

Or do you love the idea of what he used to be a long time ago? Or possibly never actually was?

How could you love a man that abandons his children? The reason you feel like this is because he has destroyed your self esteem. You CAN turn this around, you turn it around by realising that he isn't worth it and that you don't need this waste of oxygen in your life and you are well rid. You say your DS is at uni now - well i would say, now its time for YOU, you can do whatever it is you want to do, you just need to do it.

I really feel for you WIWD.
For your own sake now you have to kickstart your life and get out there. It will be hard at first and you wont want to do it but you need to cut the emotional ties and make a new life for yourself.

Its hard when the emotional connection you have with someone goes and you cant let go of it because you feel the loss in your life so much, this is particularly true if you have been with someone a long time as you have. Hope is the cruellest emotion, but sometimes it keeps you going when you feel all at sea and alone.

You need to take back control for yourself, its very hard that's true. Its the only way though. Your own life is what YOU make it. Good Luck x

You have to face it: you are never getting back together with his man.

Never. And that is a very, very good thing. Because he was a lying, cheating, inadequate prick.

Get angry. Somehow focus within and try to muster some ANGER at what he did - his lies, his manipulating, all the bullshit - how he used you.

He doesn't love you, when he says that it's empty now.

You're in shock but this is the beginning of a new start for you. You can build a life without this horrible man influencing everything, making you feel so needy and sad.

Attachment. It's such a hard habit to break, even if someone has been an arse to you for years. Agree with other posters, you need to force yourself to build a life regardless, fake it until you make it.

The grief WILL pass.

I feel for you, i really do.
It's time to move on and flip it around to see this as a positive in your life.
He clearly did not and does not deserve you.
I wish you well