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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

men do suffer too- domestic violence

11 replies

doormat · 18/01/2004 11:10

Hello girls
I would like your opinions to this problem my brother is facing.

He has been in a relationship for 3 yrs. They were very happy and she has a son from a different relationship which my brother took him on as his own.Once they had settled down into what he thought domesticated bliss her personality suddenly changed into a control freak and started lashing out at him if things did not go her way.
He for 2 yrs walked out until she calmed down or restrained her when she she was in one of these moods.He started a new job 12 months ago and she became pg. Her violence settled down and they seemed quite happy.He gave her all his wages even though she was still claiming one-parent benefit-my brother wanted to go legit but she did not want this Even though he was supporting her and his step-son everything in their house was HERS and she would throw him out willy-nilly if he did not do what she wanted ie take time off work to run her around.He eventually lost his job through his time-keeping.
This is where I come in
On the first of many occasions of being thrown out he came and stayed with me and I found claw marks all over his arms and back.These are now scars.I advised him to leave her but because she was pg he always went back when she wanted him home.The arguments would start again and twice my brother after being attacked hit her back. He was arrested, he made 2 counter-allegations but they were left on file.Sil had the baby and brother was present at birth. As soon as my nephew was born he was a carrot-dangler in front of my brother.
Around Oct the same thing happened but he was black and blue when he came to my home,I hit the roof as he had been keeping this a secret. I took photographs with that daily newspaper.He didnt want to go to the police as he said it was a waste of time.She then asked him to collect his things and my dh went with him as a witness. She attacked him again in front of my dh.Because he was bailed to keep away from her he could do nothing as he would of got arrested for breach of bail.She came to my house that very night with 2 heavies??(what a joke as I soon knocked them off my doorstep and I got the police)
The officers said they could do nothing as my brother was on bail. The next day my brother was arrested for an alleged assault (he never hit her as my dh was there).He was held overnight. She classed him as a danger to her and her baby, a claim she made for months. I provided photographic evidence this was not the case as if he was such a danger why would they pose as a happy family the few days before.
My dh and I got him a flat and the rest of the family and ourselves furnished it etc and supported him.He was happy but at the same time very down on not being allowed to see his son.
On New Years Eve my brother went out with my dd and her fiance to a nightclub.She phoned him and asked him where he was. He stupidly told her and she went down there on the bounce and belted him in front of my future son-in-law.My brother went home, where she followed him (she knows his address through the court paper work she has been sent-ie bail conditions)and battered him. He phoned me up at 2.45am and I could hear her screaming at him.My parents and my dh and I shot down there but she had gone but my brother was in a right mess, blood all over the walls, beaten black and blue. We took him to the police staion
and then the hospital.He came to stay with me again for a few days whilst he recovered.
Needless to say she was asked to go to the police station 16 days later where she was arrested and charges were dropped through lack of evidence.
This is a joke as the evidence is
2 witnesses
his injuries
cctv evidence (we were told this by the interviewing officer)
When my brother was informed of this info I went to the police station and made a formal complaint to the inspector.It is now going even furthur as my family are sick of the beatings my brother is taking and nothing is getting done through the legal system yet she can make a claim of alleged assault with no evidence and he is arrested.
Everyone on here knows my views on dv and I cannnot condone the fact that my brother hit her twice(he says to get her off him)even still to me that is no excuse.He so laid back and a soft touch.No previous girlfriends have ever said this about him.
DV towards men seems to be such a taboo subject.
But I would like your opinions please on this situation.
Thanx for staying awake.
PS She always tells him on the phone that she can kill him and get away with it as she can say she has PND as her defence. I have his sim card now.

OP posts:
mybeetrootday · 18/01/2004 11:28

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doormat · 18/01/2004 11:41

Beety I totally agree that he needs to stand on his own 2 feet and tell her where to go but he wants to keep in contact with his son, even though he is not allowed to as he has been bailed to keep away from her.
Since Oct he has done his best to keep away but she phones him all nice and asks him to come and see his son.She is emotionally blackmailing him. Once he is down there she kicks off again.He is trying to be strong but once he receives a phone call from her he becomes a mess and gets depressed.Also she is phoning and threatening, that is why I have taken his sim-card.
BTW she got his address through the court papers that were sent to her.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 18/01/2004 12:21

I've only found one help line specifically for men so far "Men?s Advice Line and Enquiries : 0181 664 9914. Information, support and advice to men experiencing domestic violence. Open from 9am to 10pm, Monday and Wednesday. Local projects for men are available in some areas."

SueW · 18/01/2004 12:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request.

mybeetrootday · 18/01/2004 15:30

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Message withdrawn

Lisa78 · 18/01/2004 15:42

DV against men is now thought to account for 1 in 4 of all instances. Your brother needs to go back to the police but ask for someone from the domestic violence unit who are experienced in these situations - they are very used to men being the victim too, and will be supportive.
I think he should also retain a solicitor who can advise him re his long term options

Batters · 18/01/2004 16:49

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WSM · 18/01/2004 16:55

How truly awful. Nobody should have to suffer this sort of abuse, no matter what gender they are. I'm afraid I have no advice to add to the already excellent stuff here.

Best wishes
WSM xx

verysadmum · 18/01/2004 17:04

This is just awful Doormat.

I am still coming to terms with men doing it to women but it seems even more unbelievable the other way round. As you said, it is heard of so rarely.

I'm glad he's got you. I know you wont let her get away with it much longer. Next time (if there is a next time) please march him down to the police station. He may be relunctant (I know I would be 100%) but as you know yourself it has to be done. And yes, a solicitor. You need to get some advice. Even if it is put down to PND, she doesn't sound she is actually stable enough to look after their child. She needs help.

I hope this help and I really feel for your brother. Take care, VSM xxxx

doormat · 20/01/2004 13:56

Thankyou so much girls for your kind advice, websites and phonenumbers that will be useful for my brov.
You have all been wonderful.
We are just taking it to another level with a formal complaint to the Chief Inspector, his solicitor is backing him all the way in this complaint.
It is just such a sad situation and I feel for him as a sufferer of domestic violence in the past, I know what it feels like to be emotionally and physically abused. As he is much younger than i am, I thought he would of learnt from my mistake but I just never dreamt it would happen to any of my other siblings or family but unfortunately it does.

There should be zero tolerance with this issue whether female.
Thanx again.

OP posts:
fio2 · 20/01/2004 14:34

Sorry no advice just sympathy to your poor brother doormat You are right people do forget it happens to men too. I am so glad he has a sister like you to look out for him.

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