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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

to wonder if this has affected relationships?

50 replies

porridgewithalmondmilk · 13/02/2013 18:12

Sorry if it's a silly thread. I nearly posted on the thread about the boyfriend who wants to retire at 55, but I'm mid/early thirties and I have never been in a relationship

I now wonder if I DID meet a man if the Mumsnet-equivalent would all be shouting "run!"

OP posts:

wannaBe · 13/02/2013 18:41

op -

Are you a virgin?

Tbh if a 30 something man rocked up into my life and it transpired he had never had a relationship ever I would want to know why. That doesn't mean I would reject him outright but I would wonder why it was he had either never tried getting into a relationship or why no-one had ever taken any interest - ever.

There is IMO a difference between someone who has had failed relationships for various reasons and someone who has never even had a casual encounter. There has to be more to it, tell us something about you?

Original poster

porridgewithalmondmilk · 13/02/2013 18:45

WannaBe no, but it's due to sexual assault x

OP posts:

SomethingOnce · 13/02/2013 18:45

Bless you, you've had a tough time - all totally understandable.

What do your female friends have to say about this, if you don't mind my asking?

SomethingOnce · 13/02/2013 18:47

Cross-posted again, sorry.

I'm so sorry for you having that experience. Have you had counselling/therapy?

moisturiser · 13/02/2013 18:47

I've met a few people in your situation and you have all my sympathy. In their case either they'd been abused, or had had to take on a parental role at a young age so never had time to put themselves first. One was very shy and had poor body image (she was lovely, it was only in her own head iyswim) and then I have about 4 friends who have just been chronically ill for 20 years (now in their thirties) so have never had a chance to get out and meet men. So you aren't alone, though I imagine you feel it.

Have you ever had any counselling? You might not feel you need it but it can affect the way you present yourself, give you more of a feeling that you are worthy of meeting someone too. I had a big weight problem and didn't date for a few years (though there were a few other issues in the mix); men asked me out I just couldn't bear to let them touch me. I had counselling and it really, really helped. Have since had a couple of relationships.

I think you have every chance of having a good relationship, the same as lots of other people. Ok so it's more unusual, but lots of men won't give 2 hoots as long as you have interests and are kind and have a sense of humour, etc. There are tons of lonely people out there who I'm sure would snap you up. Could you get a friend to have a look at your dating profile to see if they could tweak it? That can make all the difference to number of responses you get. What about a makeover, can you ask your friends what outfits they'd put you in if you gave them the choice, and what make up they'd put you in. You might not want to follow any of their advice, it might just give you a kick up the bum though in terms of feeling attractive/confident.

mrsbunnylove · 13/02/2013 18:52

porridge - don't tell them about having had no relationships. people don't need to know about your past, or lack of.

nor do they need to know if you're a virgin - what a question to ask!

look your best, keep in touch with people, meet new people and most of all focus on having a really good life that you enjoy. that seems to work.

Original poster

porridgewithalmondmilk · 13/02/2013 18:54

Thank you :) Something, they've mostly not said an awful lot about it - most seem convinced I will meet someone one day; I'm not so sure!

I did have counselling, though not specifically linked to the assault, I don't have great body image (loads better than it was, though) and I did want to talk through my mum's death and the way my life just disintegrated following that. It's hard as I have to admit it didn't really make any difference and the counsellor herself couldn't have been nicer.

I don't think I'm unattractive, I'm a bit heavier than I'd like to be just now (am a size 14 so not massive but I'm not very tall so it does show) but I think I have quite a nice face and hair and nice teeth. I've done really well at work and I think most people think I'm a "career gal!"

OP posts:

BookWormery · 13/02/2013 19:04

You sound like a catch porridge. Do the Internet dating thing- it is LOADS of fun.

If another guy asks why you haven't had a relationship, you can just say 'Because I've been busy being fabulous, darling."

SomethingOnce · 13/02/2013 19:06

Did you talk about the assault at all? It seems like a big thing to have to process on your own, and something that could affect your confidence with dating.

But I'm making huge assumptions, perhaps you've come through it ok and don't feel it affects you.

Not sure AIBU is the place for this thread - could you ask MNHQ to move it to relationships?

Original poster

porridgewithalmondmilk · 13/02/2013 19:09

Yes, I could ask, how do I do that please? :) I think I'm OK with it, I know that sounds bizarre but it was a while ago and I've come through it all right. The problem is I'm such a novice at it all, and also I just don't have anyone I'd like to ask - I have worked with a couple of colleagues and have thought that in another time we would have made a great couple but by the time I met them they had girlfriends/wives. Frustrating!

BookWormeryunfortunately the guy who asked is the ONLY one I made it t the date stage with on the 'Net!

OP posts:

Bearbehind · 13/02/2013 19:14

Porridge, if you read through the thread you referred to you'd see the man in question had had many relationship, including a seven year relationship, it was his unwillingness to commit that was a problem.

How you come across to a man is important, if you tell them you've never had a relationship before they'll probably run for the hills but if you are aloof and give off the vibes that a man likes, you'll be fine.

INeedThatForkOff · 13/02/2013 19:16

I think you would benefit from taking some time to do things that would boost your confidence - it does sound like you've given a lot of yourself to family and work.

Do you exercise? Are you happy with the way you look? Is there anything new you'd like to learn about or somewhere you'd like to go?

That sounds corny, but any or all of it could make you feel more confident in yourself, which would help, I think.

moisturiser · 13/02/2013 19:21

'the only one who asked'.... have you asked them out? I have done internet dating and I'm sure I asked far more men out than asked me, but got loads of dates (nothing special about me!). It surprises me how many people do internet dating and don't make the first contact with men

SomethingOnce · 13/02/2013 19:21

I think you use the 'Report' link, so I've done that. Somebody may correct me, though.

I'm very glad to hear that you've been able to put that horrible experience behind you.

You sound lovely, btw, and if I was a single bloke I'd be asking you if you'd like to go for a coffee/drink/meal.

I've got to go - I've been MNiing all day and DP is due home soon from a hard day in the office while I've failed to do the dishes as promised - but I'll check back later.

Original poster

porridgewithalmondmilk · 13/02/2013 19:39

Thank you! Moisturiser, I've tried, yes - I generally get polite responses back saying that they've met someone but wishing me luck! Who knows - we'll get there :)

OP posts:

maddening · 13/02/2013 19:56

I don't think you should count yourself out just yet.

You have worked hard to get where you are emotionally and vocationally so be proud - and if the "how many partners" question - well you can say you've dated on man before. Although the only thing I've asked in a new relationship is about the previous one eg how long ago did it finish - more to guage whether the prospective chap is on a rebound - I think asking more than that is strange on a first date - why would you want to spend it talking about past relationships when considering starting one?

maddening · 13/02/2013 20:01

Ps I reckon invest some time in interests and going out with friends - meeting via interests or friends gives you a good starting point for mutual interests.

Keep work simmering for a bit - let it plateau rather than push in that area and invest in you for a bit - getting relaxed and having some well earnt fun can often mean you come across as yourself and open up - and being out and about is a place to meet folk - some will be lovely single chaps and one might be your lovely chap :)

MNHQ

RowanMumsnet · 13/02/2013 22:02

Hi there

We've moved this to Relationships now. Best of luck to porridge

Original poster

porridgewithalmondmilk · 13/02/2013 22:09

Thanks RowanMumsnet :)

OP posts:

SomethingOnce · 16/02/2013 02:44

Back, though rather later than I meant to be (days, not time!).

I've been thinking about the 'past relationships' question. You know, anyone who knows anything will know that the answer people give to this question will yield no reliable insights into their potential as a partner; people will come up with all sorts of rubbish, and the very worst will construct the best stories, or flat-out fib.

Perhaps it would be fine to say you haven't ever had a long term relationship, which is true, but that you're in a place now where you're ready for that possibility, also true. A decent man who's interested in getting to know the woman in front of him won't need more than that - seriously, I'd find it weird on a first date if a guy was dig, dig, digging around for info.

Have your female friends ever suggested that they have any nice male friends looking for a date? And do you go out socially in mixed company?

Sorry for not coming back sooner, but I have been thinking about your question

waltermittymissus · 16/02/2013 10:35

I wondered that too, something.

If porridge could socialise with mixed groups or if her friends have men in mind, they could host a dinner so it's not a "date" but a chance to get to know someone without the interview scenario!

SolidGoldBrass · 16/02/2013 11:13

I would advise more general socialising at first. If your only sexual experience has been an abusive one, I would definitely recommend counselling and work on boundaries, because unfortunately there are abusive men on the dating scene who have an absolute radar for women whose boundaries may be a bit confused, which may be the case for you: you have never had a man approach you sexually in a way that was welcome to you so you may not be quick enough to detect that a man's intention is harmful.
Making new friends, particularly through a hobby/interest/shared cause (is there any charity or political campaign that matters a lot to you?) is often a better way of doing things than internet dating, in that it boosts your confidence and makes you happy.

GinAndT0nic · 16/02/2013 11:21

i can see how it can happen. I am not the sort of woman men chase after. luckily I'm quite outgoing, but circumstances haven't put me in the company of a lot of men. I have had long periods of nothing, several times. I can see how almost as easily I could have gone my whole adult life without any romance because on one level, every man I've ever been with has been a compromise of some sort.

SomethingOnce · 17/02/2013 10:51

SGB makes a very good point about abusive men. (And, from lurking, I can tell you that I think she gives consistently good, thoughtful advice.)

Original poster

porridgewithalmondmilk · 17/02/2013 15:07

Gin - relief it isn't just me then!

I was talking with my brother yesterday and he has never been in a relationship either (he was older than me, by eighteen months.) To be honest, I don't think there's an awful lot more I can do socially - I have quite a lot of friends but I'm nearly 33 and most of my friends are married or in long term relationships with husbands/boyfriends and young children. I just never meet single men apart from once at a wedding but given he lived in Cornwall and I'm in the Midlands that was never going to happen!

I have tried counselling, but it really didn't make any difference to how I thought or how I felt, lovely as the counsellor was. It's difficult because somebody earlier in the thread asked if I wanted to be in a relationship and the answer is yes and no. I'd like to be in a relationship with somebody I care about but I don't want to be in a relationship with someone just to have "that experience" if that makes sense: I'm OK and pretty happy on my own although weekends/holidays can get a bit tedious.

OP posts:

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