Men - can you tell me if my husband's behaviour is normal please?

[Disguised]

We've been together for 9 years and have 2 children. He's 41.
The problem is that he has no sex drive at all.
We used to be ok, mildly adventurous, sex was roughly twice a week. But now he just isn't interested any more.
I've tried wearing low cut tops, short skirts, I've been flirtatious with him, I've come down wearing just a nighty, but he doesn't seem to notice. I'm afraid to do more daring stuff in case I am humiliated.
He assures me that he still finds me attractive and still loves me, but that he just doesn't find sex a big deal anymore.
We can go 8 weeks without doing anything and he doesn't seem overly bothered. Then when we do have sex, it's a short affair and that can be it for a further 2 weeks or more.
I've asked him if he wanks and he says no. He isn't having an affair, he's not overly depressed. So is it me? Or is it him? Is this common? It doesn't seem to bother him but it bothers me a lot.

And I've changed my name because he sometimes lurks on Mumsnet and I don't want him to know I've posted this.

he does wank, I can guarantee it

Sorry you are feeling rejected, hopefully someone can come up with better advice

They all wank

Have you tried talking to him about this? Have you asked him if there is any reason he can go so long without sex?

I know someone who went for years without sex or wanking suzy so it is not a definite at all, some men do lose their sex drive and not all men sort this out by wanking.

You do need to talk to him about it though if it is getting you down - if the situation were reversed he would expect you to try to ensure he was happy too.

If you are scared of regection then I would suggest that talking is your only option. Try to set the scene a bit (no interuptions, bottle of wine etc) and try to ensure you don't seem accusatory, ask him how he feels your sex life is and take it from there.

HTH a little at least.

I stand corrected

He doesn't, he really doesn't. He would tell me if he did, I have asked him and told him that I'd feel better if he did have a wank, but he is adament that he doesn't.

He simply has no sex drive at all. He knows how I feel about it. The thing is, when we do have a chat and then he tries to make love, I feel that he is only doing it to please me, do you know what I mean? I want him to want to have sex!

sorry suzy didn't mean to do a militant wank police thing on you, came out wrong!

SNORT@ 'came out'

probably a silly question ......but is he on medication of any sort that might be affecting his sex drive eg blood pressure meds?

is he worried about something eg finances
a bit depressed
these can sometimes make a man lose his sex drive

Thanks Kama, I will try that.
No he's not on any meds. He's never been a very sexually active person, he once told me that he thought sex very overrated. But now we just seem to have come to a standstill. He gets very defensive when I do talk about it, it's like walking on eggshells. And he isn't too fond of kissing or cuddling either. I think his problem is that he finds emotions very hard to deal with, he hates any form of affection in public, it embarrasses him. When I cuddle him in private, it irritates him. Sex can be very mechanical, he doesn't let himself go.

Will he be willing to go for counselling; be it a sex tharapist or a Relate counsellor?. At the very least it may be an idea for you to talk this through with someone like the above. It sounds like a lot of his attitude towards sex has been influenced somewhat by his own family when growing up.

No, I don't think he will go for counselling. I don't know if it is a childhood thing or not, he has brothers and sisters, I don't suppose I can ask about their sex lives though can I? I do worry that this is how it is going to be now. I know he loves me, but it would be nice to feel special every now and then.

Couldn't this be hormonal? My dh needs extra testosterone for a hormonal imbalance. we are waiting for him to see an endocrinologist. Its not that he doesnt like sex, he does, but he rarely initiates it. There's a change in him from when we first met, together with tiredness and a bit of a lack of joie de vivre. He doesn't seem to think there is a change but I can see it. Does that sound familiar?

Yes it does! Please let me know on this thread what happens with your partner, I'll be watching it and I might suggest it to mine if it works for yours.

My sympathies are with you. I'm going through the exact same thing with my DP, though he's only 30! Not a great morale booster is it! I'm actually getting really depressed about it - not because Im a nympho, but I just feel undesirable n unwanted.

Good luck. x