Help me stay strong please

[Lonegirl]

I told H he needed to move out tonight. We've been together 20 years and have 2 children. He bottles up his feelings and we suffer through sulks or grumpy moods. We tried Relate via phone but he didn't listen, or certainly hear what I was saying. I feel like I am wading through treacle. It takes all my energy to be positive for the children.

I do find it hard to stay on top of the house. We do have a cleaner which helps but it's still not good enough for him. It feels like his love is dependant on having a spotless house, food on the table and happy and contented children.

I have said all this to him before and threatened with leaving but never as calm as I was tonight.

I have never had time to myself away from the children. He has had several weekends over the years. I had told him that now our youngest was not so clingy, I wanted to be next. He has text his friends trying to organise a weekend away. He didn't discuss this with me first. As is often the case it was presented to me as a fait accompli. It was the last straw.

Due to his moods I don't think he likes me very much. He rarely remembers birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas's. I have told him time and again how much this hurts but it's only this past Christmas that he made a little bit of effort as I had said I didn't want our oldest to ask why Mummy was forgotten.

He cried. I didn't. I don't want him to think he can put in a bit of effort for the week and then things will return to normal.

I don't want the children to have parents that have split up, but equally I don't want our current situation modelled as a marriage. Help me stay strong please?

Good for you. A marriage and parenting is a two way street. It's give and take. Not just take, which is what your DH is doing. Perhaps time apart will make him realize.

Thank you. I feel utterly exhausted.

Well done OP. be proud of yourself. Have you told anyone in RL? That could help make it more real and give you some support there too.

Thinking of you

If nothing changes, nothing changes.
Live each day / moment at a time.

Hope he makes a supreme effort and steps up to the plate...

If he doesn't, you already have, and it will be easier from now on.

Who do I tell though? His parents are awful, I've read toxic in laws which has helped. If I tell friends and family, then what happens if we reconcile?

You have to follow through with this becuase if you do back down he will think he will get away with it again and again and again.

Asking him to leave will perhaps focus his mind on just what he is throwing away and maybe give him a much deserved wake up call-if it doesn't you are wll shot of him.

Tell whoever you like, anybody who will give you support. It is not you that has failed in the marriage, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Do you think you will want to reconcile, though? You have said he doesn't seem to like you; he certainly hasn't shown the normal signs of liking you. (Sorry, don't mean to be cruel here.)

I wouldn't tell his parents a damn thing. Let him tell them. Now that you and he have separated, you won't have to see them again. Let that be one good thing that has come from this.

It makes me sick that he cried, tbh. He knew all along that you were unhappy and felt that he didn't care for you and now he is crying because he knows he's gone too far.

I hope you find the strength to stay separate. It wouldn't do the children any good if you went back and forth; try to keep that in mind to help you stay strong.

I would simply tell my own friends and people who were rooting for me.

Thank you. I do need to stay strong. We have friends but they are " couple friends" we see them together mostly. My parents will be devastated. I can't sleep, can hear him snoring in the spare room.

You can tell who you want, people may be able to help either, both or all of you.
if you reconcile later, having looked at your problems and remedied them, i dont see the problem?
it will only be a problem if you brush it under the carpet and reconcile.
the thing about telling people is it brings it into the light, and puts you all in a better position to recover in whatever capacity ( single, as a family, separated etc. )

dont worry about pleasing others at the moment, your parents will cope...keep sight of the best thing for you and the DC and work towards that.

I can't bring myself to do anything today. I'm on auto pilot. I've put a load of washing on and put the dishwasher on. I need to get on but I feel as though I'm stuck in the treacle! The heavy weight on my chest has gone though.

I can't just bring myself to tell people. It's like I'm hanging together by a thread.

He hasn't beat me, he's not had an affair, why do I feel so wretched?

bumping for you...

Thank you lowercase

He's taken 2 days off work. He is talking about going to the gp. He's bought a book from Relate and wants to work through it. He says he understands if its too little too late. He's told his boss but I haven't spoken to anyone yet.

Lonegirl, am pming you.