I want to leave a lovely man

[eejaykay]

This situation is flipped from a lot of the situations on here and I'm hoping to get some perspective. I'm with a very lovely, kind man, who is an excellent stay at home Dad to our DS (4) and DD (2). EXCEPT I have been supporting him emotionally and financially since his Mum became ill and he nursed her til her death, which was 7 years ago now. He hasn't worked since then, and in case you think I am joyfully pursuing a marvellous career, I am not - I feel trapped in a job I hate because I have had to keep the roof over our heads. I have begged him many times to find some part time work, to free me up to be with the children a bit more, or to do a course so that at some point we can start to share the financial burden. He is charming but without any drive or passion. I am sure he is depressed - but will not do anything about it. We've been to various counsellors, I've been on anti-depressants and make myself sick with worry about making ends meet. I discovered in January he's run up a £3k overdraft on his personal account, and the final straw was yesterday when I worked from home (I juggle work and childcare two days a week to free him up to jobsearch) and his internet history showed, well bascially, mucking about. We are barely talking, and I am frankly turning into a right old cow as I am so angry and disappointed. What's more, he's always been this way, charming and feckless, so I am kicking myself for marrying him, although wouldn't be without our lovely kids.

If I were a bloke posting this about a woman, I think maybe you would all be outraged. And he's nowhere near the scumbag status of many of the men written about here! But I really do think I have a right to ask for more from him, and if he cannot / will not give it, I am right in calling an end to the relationship. Or simply put, I am not happy and have tried very, very hard to be, and have bveen supportive for a long, long time. So bloody hard though, and I am very worried about the effects on the kids too.

You must be at the end of your tether. Lovely and kind he may be, but you wouldn't be posting here if that were the sum of it. I can well understand grief can have long lasting effects but there is so much more going on. Dodgy Internet history AND a £3k overdraft, dare I ask if the two are connected? - well, that apart, it is a lot to ask of you to struggle on feeling support is one-way. Normally posters advise getting your P to a doctor and suggest counselling but you've already tried that. If you split up would you leave the children in his care? As long as they are well looked after and thriving, I think the emphasis is on "what's best for DCs". Have you begun looking at where you stand legally?

I'm sure you must know that 'charming and feckless' is not a good role model for dc and it's going to cause them serious problems down the line as you become even more of a right old cow worn down by the responsibility of keeping the roof over your heads and paying for his keep as well as that of yourself and the dc.

Give him a simple choice. Either he shapes up or he ships out. Or, if you've had enough of supporting him in a style to which he has become only too well accustomed during the past 7 years, tell him enough is enough and it's time for him to support himself elsewhere.

Kindness doesn't cut it when your kindness is being perceived as weakness by an idle fecker, no matter how charming he may be.

He's a cocklodger, get rid and start living.

A few questions come to mind - for you to consider, because you don't have to answer.

• You tell us he's lovely. And you are worried sick, and on a-ds. Is he worried about you? Has he tried to support you emotionally?

• there was a three year gap between the loss of his mother and the birth of your first child. What was he doing then?

• if he left you, or vice versa, could you cope with the bills and the children? Could you find other work that is more fulfilling, or is it not an option because of financial security.

You see, you say he's lovely, but something in this picture doesn't sound lovely at all. Your words suggest you are in considerable emotional pain.

I can't understand these responses.

He's not a cocklodger - he's a sahp isn't he? Looking after a 2 & 4 yr old?

Also why are you asking if the OP can affors to pay the bills and keep a roof over their heads - that's what the OP is doing already.

Which brings me on to your OP, OP. Surely his contribution is looking after the DCs while you are at work?
OK, if you need more dough, he needs to get a p-t job that fits in with DC and your job. But if you are the breadwinner and he's looking after DC, I don't think you can moan that he isn't pulling jis weight. Sounds like a traditional division of labour with the roles swapped.

The £3k debt and mucking about instead of p-t work applications are separate problems imho.

Not afford - cope.
OP says I feel trapped in a job I hate because I have had to keep the roof over our heads, and that she feels sick with worry. This might worsen without a partner at home. It is something to consider - in context with everything else.

You poor woman :( But it sounds like the situation is driving you both into being the way you are - him becoming more depressed and useless, no ego, and feeling that he cant be bothered....You - frustrated, unhappy, stressed. Have you spent any quality time together recently? To see the things which brought you together in the first place? You must have married him because he is a lovely man. It sounds like he is becoming less lovely because he is finding it easy to live in your shadow. Maybe if he felt you were something he needs to work for this would help him get off his ass. He probably needs to feel that you fancy him and respect him and will support him. It would be quite a lot of work to get him out of this rut (and in turn it will get yourself out) but you need to do it to survive. You could threaten to leave, but he'll probably coil up even further. Or you could entice him with what he would attain if he picks himself up and gets out into the world. Think really hard about why you love him. Will you be happier without him, or would you be happier if you could help him? Maybe a dinner out, bottle of wine, new underwear, make an effort.... let him see how things could be if you are both happier.

Foxy, are you serious?

This selfish man watches his wife work herself into the ground in a job she hates while he stays at home, on dodgy internet sites and running up a debt that only she can pay, and you says she should buy new underwear and make a fucking effort?

REALLY?

It's a bit of a tough one really as he seems to have things pretty good and you want him to change that arrangement for something less appealing.

Does he have skills he can freelance from to mitigate some of the household expenses? Not sure how you run up a 3k overdraft when your not earning but that needs sorting as it is just a very expensive form of credit.

This sounds harsh but 7 years is a huge amount of time to grieve so deeply, if this IS the case then counselling is definitely needed.

Also, there are millions of "he's a wonderful guy buts"

You say, ffs!

Yeah alright but pretty much every post on this site seems to be telling people to break up. Whatever happened to trying to make it work

Isnt that the point of marriage? Thick and thin?

Because "making it work" should never be at the expense of someone's personal happiness, she's had this for 7 years FFS.

No, the point of marriage is more "do unto others..." than "thick and thin", in my opinion. Whatever happened to "love, honour and cherish"? Not much sign of that with this man. He's looking after himself, isn't he?

Don't forget to read the threads carefully here; there are some incredibly selfish and abusive men around. Sticking with someone through thick and thin (to me) means when the rest of the world is against you, you stick together, rather than when your husband is against you, you stay with him.