1st signs your relationship was over

[marissab]

I wondered what, in retrospect, people would say were the first signs their relationship was over?
Myself and DP have been together 5 years and have dd aged 2 and my ds from a previous relationship aged 10. He has special needs and has quite challenging behaviour. OH has incresingly found ds cheekiness and defience difficult which creates friction. Dd is still toddling in to bed with us sometimes. We had a very good sex life and the last week he has ignored my attempts. He even told me he didn't feel like it. He's never said this before. He went to work happy yesterday morning but came home like a different person. Hardly spoke 2 words to me at all. I went to bed first and Dd heard so snuck in with me (He's usually fine with this). He came up and looked in on her, discovered she was with me and shouted "oh ffs" very angrily. Not like him. Then this morning, he bellowed at ds and went right off the boil. He then sat in the dining room at his computer and kept closing the adjoining doors to shut me and kids out. Being secretive on the computer. I think he was mad last night because i put dd toys in the dining room to make a day time play room for her, yesterday, so he now has to share his office with her toys, but he never goes in there and we don't have a big enough house for an office.

I don't think he's having an affair as he drives from site to site mending computers all day on his own, so doesn't really see anyone at work, then as far as i know, comes straight home on a night. I tried to ask if he's depressed, i just get "no". Hoping he'll come home back to normal tonight. I just hope this isn't the beginning of the end. I need more than one word answers from him.

Sorry to hear this. What is his behaviour like with his mobile phone? Is he on it all the time? Does he guard it closely? His behaviour does sound a bit suspicious I'm afraid.

How are things going for him in work?

He's always on it and was hunting for it this morning. Thing is (good job my name on here is anonymous) he's very shy and not model material so i don't think anyone would want to steal him away. He has just turned 40. Wonder if he's having a midlife crisis? but i ask if he wants to go out with his mates sometimes and he says no. He hardly sees them

Dione he hates his job but he always has so thats not something thats changed recently. Plus at the moment he's ot under redundancy threat but i think he'd be happy if he was made redundant anyway.

Sounds like he doesn't like family life, and sees his own child (and your DS) as a nuisance. It also sounds like he believes he has a right to be insulated from the realities of parenting children.

Doesn't sound like a worthwhile co-parent.

My XH was very shy, no confidence with women at all. Yet he still started up an inappropriate relationship with his best mates wife. Texting each other all day long. After all the contact with her started, and he was flirting with her and texting her over 100 times a day, his behaviour towards me changed. He became cold and distant and decided that our marriage was over, with no prior warning....

He was permanently attached to his phone, kept it on silent and wouldnt let me anywhere near it.... He was also emailing her all day as well.

He was the most unlikely man in the whole world to have an affair....

Can you check his email account, or see if you can get your hands on his phone?

He doesn't like his work and it sounds as if home is becoming increasingly challenging as your DS grows up. Often we can cope with one difficult situation. Having to deal with two really takes its toll as there is no escape, no let up.

Don't dare check his comp coz he's a comp technicion and i'm sure he'd know if i looked. He'd see the history or something. He also connects remotely to his comp so could be on it whilst i tried to look and would see. He always goes to bed after me as well and his phone never leaves his side. Also when he is asleep, his phone is next to him as he uses it for the alarm so i never get a chance to look. Besides i'm sure he'd delete txts if he had anything to hide. I'm wondering if valentines day could have owt to do with it. He hates v day and i always get him something. I think he always feels pressured to buy something even though i never say owt. It could be something simple like that. Gut tells me theres more to it though

Do you have any time for just the two of you at all? You are both going through a really tough time with your DS and if he hates his job too then it may just be all getting on top of him. Do you have someone who could babysit while you take him out to neutral ground for a chat with no pressure, or in fact just some stress free time alone? I think everyone needs to feel that they are at the top of someone's priority list occasionally; as parents we expect it rarely, but it does sound as if your OH is needing some TLC.
Instead of asking what's wrong, maybe try asking what you can do? Give him the opportunity top vent all the toy/DS/general stuff frustration, then change what you can, don't chaneg what you can't; acknowledge him. I really hope that is all it needs x

Sorry to read you're going through these difficulties, is there anyway you can get a babysitter for your son?
For me it was when I realised that my life would be exactly the same if not better without him, I didn't need him and I didn't really desire him either, .
I also looked to the future imagining our current problems but with kids running around and realised that it was set to get harder. So I ended it, it was very sad but when the greif subsided I felt relieved and free and yes my life without him was easier.

We do get babysitters to go out occasionally. I sent him a long text asking if he was ok and that i felt something was wrong this morning. He txtd back "can't txt now, in office. Txt when i get out". Heard nothing more till just now when he txts to say he'll be home in an hour! Thats an hour later than usual. So i asked, oh ok. Everything ok? He just replyed yes, see ya when i get home. No explanation or nothing! Very evasive. I can only hope i'm too suspicious and he's actually buying me a valentine pressie or somat. It's just a coincidence after how he's been the last couple of days. He's usually so loving towards me, even when we're both stressed with ds. We are usually very close.

Wow. IF you do sit down and have a chat I'd make it very, very clear to him that parenting is tough, and if that's what would push him to end the relationship then you can't take on MORE, so if, if you split up, it'd be co-parenting all the way, 50:50 custody. Do you work? if not, tell him you long for the chance to go back to work and although you'd be devastated if the marriage broke up, there is something appealing about sharing the parenting and getting back to work.

That'd take the wind out of his sails if he imagined he could sail off and leave you 24/7 with a child with sn and another younger child too.

I was the one who left my children's father but the relationship before, the man I loved :-( he suddenly started going for long baths every evening.

Maybe he's stressed at work so he didnt want sex with you. Then when he decided he did...your Dd was in there with you and it was like she was in the way. Then it sounds like he decided to look at porn instead

it doesnt sound like the end, it sounds like your having a bad week

Lol foxy. If porn was all i had to worry about i'd be happy. Lol. He's home now but still quiet and all babes in bed. I dunno. Maybe it is just a bad week.

If this has just come out of the blue then i wouldn't be thinking its over - i wonder why you are thinking about an affair? do you trust him? Could he have some issues at work? Losing his job? have debts? could be several things - it doesn't mean its over. If this has been going on for months, id be more worried

Didn't want to read and run. I wondered if he just needed a bit of space, maybe permission to have some him time, so that he didn't have to steal/sneak/force it? Hope it's nothing more than that and you get your closeness back soon.

Marissa if this is the first time this has happened do not assume the worst just because of the bad stuff you read here.

There are lots of reasons why he could be feeling stressed and some people especially men bottle that up.