DHs affair when he thought it was over between us - LONG SORRY

[speaker]

We have been married 20 years (together 24) with two children (9&7). We had a pretty good sex life over previous years although it has been dwindling for me for the last several years. I have not had sex with my husband now for two years and our relationship has been deteriorating throughout this time. About 20 months ago I was diagnosed with depression (pretty severe). I was put on ADs and received counselling (after about 7 months). I struggled to find a real cause for my depression other than I was unhappy in my marriage. We took some private marriage counselling but it was so painful after about 4 sessions I couldn't take any more. I have not wanted to push splitting because of them. My husband continued to tell me how much he loved me even though I pretty much gave him nothing in return.

However, just prior to Christmas he talked about moving out of our bedroom. I wasn't so keen because of the children but he pushed for it to happen after Christmas because he said we needed to start moving on. I found this hard (strangely considering how I was meant to be feeling) but anyway it went ahead. We never told the children they just thought it was because of DH's bad back and then flu. After Christmas he asked if it was worth us going to counselling again but I said I didn't think I could go through it again.

Last week though whilst out to a family lunch altogether I asked to use his phone as I had forgotten mine. I don't know what possessed me but I then checked out his messages and it turned out that he had been having an affair with a business colleague for the last several weeks whilst he had been away from home. The texts hurt so much as she said how much she loved him and they were planning to meet at a hotel that evening before my DH was taking a long haul flight the following morning. It turns out she was going to meet him this weekend whilst he was away. They wrote of their eagerness to see each other that evening and this hurt so much.

I have been in hell this last week (and to be fair so has he) and I have now been putting together all the lies etc this last 4-6 weeks. I cannot understand how I can feel so hurt and so much pain if I didn't truly love him. We have had very lengthly and painful emails/conversations whilst he has been away. A few days ago he told me how strong his feelings were for her but yesterday when visiting a sightseeing landmark he said it was only me that he wanted to be there with. He's said if I can love him unconditionally, with all a normal marriage has, the we will see if we can rebuild the pices. I am so confused about my own feelings (and his). These last couple of days I have been able to tell him whole-heartedly that I love him - I have not been able to do that truthfully for the last 12-18 months.

To make matters worse he still needs to meet her because of work although apparently they have agreed to not meet out of business(?).

I cannot believe the pain and hurt that I feel. Can I truly love him? Look what I have put him through these last couple of years. He keeps reminding me of this and that he thought (quite rightly really) that it was over between us. Where do I go from here? Do I honestly have a leg to stand on as I've given him nothing really these past two years. He is due back in a couple of days, we have so much to try and get through. How do we begin to repair what has happened to both of us? Assuming that is he wants to really repair it now.

So sorry this is long, has anyone had an experience similar to this?

Sorry to hear if your troubles. Having children does come between parents even how wonderful DC's are. I haven't had the same issues tho dh has started to sleep in separate room since having dd3. I've wondered if this is an issue (I have had pnd with all 3 and we've had 3 children in the last 5 years). I am feeling well tired and have got used to dh sleeping next door. It sounds like you never though dh could have an affair and it sounds like he's not the usual type to do so. Have you thought about couple counselling? It sounds like you need to,air your differences and maybe you can work it out or maybe you'll find (if u r really honest with yourself) you dont want to continue the marriage. HArd to really look from the outside as u and dh have had a lot of years together. I hope I work it out, one way or another....

Do you whole-heartedly love him or is it that you don't want anyone else to have him?

Notwithstanding your depression, it sounds as if you checked out of your marriage emotionally some time ago, since when your h would seem to have been on something of a hiding nothing especially as you refused to continue counselling.

This in no way excuses him taking it upon himself to have an adulterous affair without first making his intentions clear to you, but it may possibly go some way in mitigation as it is soul destroying to love someone, and continue to tell them you love them, without your feelings being reciprocated or, at the very least, appreciated.

It remains to be seen whether your marriage is repairable but unless you are both absolutely honest with each other and you, in particular, are able to rekindle your feelings for him in the longer term as opposed to having what may be a kneejerk reaction to your discovery, you may as well call it day now and go your own separate ways.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Stop defending his actions. He has been in 'hell' only because you have found out about it, if you didn't know i'm sure he would still be happy as larry.

Also how could he think it was over without having a conversation confirming this? Does this mean that anytime he 'thinks' its over he can have sex with another woman?

Yes you may have been emotionally and physically distant, but that does not condone cheating. If he really thought it was over he would have told you, and moved out. He didn't, he choose to lie and cheat.

He should have left before starting his affair. That was his choice and you didn't force him to act dishonestly.

Are you sure you really want to continue with your marriage? Do you actually want to sleep with him? It sounds like it's all been pretty grim going the last few years - how do you think things are likely to improve?

My concern would be that it would be very difficult to get back on track when you're treading on eggshells all the time wondering whether he'll restart his affair if you don't behave like he expects a "proper" wife to behave.

Sounds like you'd both be better off cutting your losses and concentrating on parenting your children but not as part of a couple.

speaker - alot of the hurt you feel may be your pride and your sense of betrayal. Those feelings don't necessarily mean you love your husband.

Even though it sounds as though you were not engaged in the marriage as a true partnership, it is still a huge blow to know that your husband has been involved mentally & physically with someone else.

It sounds as though the two of you really need to talk! You said you found counselling too awful after 4 sessions - is that because it was forcing you to look at aspects of the relationship you didn't want to?

Please talk to your H but also have a think about what you are really feeling & don't confuse hurt and anger for love.

You didn't really want him for two years and was happy to let him move out of the bedroom.
Take his affair out of the equation, it seems you only want him as he is slipping away from you, and you are being the dog in the manger.

Do you really love him, or is it besically because you can't bear the thought of him turning to someone else?
Do you feel that you want to be intimate again, or will it be just a means to an end for you?
You need to examine very deeply ,your motives and how you truly feel about your DH.

"He should have left before starting his affair" - theoretically I agree with this, but in this case I think he did signal his intentions by insisting on sleeping in separate rooms and using the phrase "moving on" when you queried it. To me this is quite a clear sign of his feelings.

OP, you sound so hurt and sad - I feel truly sorry for you.

I think you need to return to counselling. The fact that it was so painful for you last time is probably because it was 'working', ie you do have some deep feelings that need to be faced and thought about before you can make progress emotionally. Whatever happens to your marriage.

What exactly do you mean by "do I have a leg to stand on"? If you mean, "do I have the right to be upset about his infidelity" or "do I have the right to want to work on our marriage and try to save it" then of course the answer is yes. If you mean "do I have the right to blame my husband entirely for our problems" then the answer is no. It seems to me that you both contributed towards the current situation. If you both want to stay married then you should try to leave blame behind and work together to repair your marriage.

If OP didn't realise that it was officially over, then it was not clear enough.

"We were on a break" - that is how he played it - whatever happens from now on, he either has you or OW so he's all right, Jack.

I haven't had my depression myself but I don't think it's as simple as you 'checking out emotionally'. I think he was underhand putting it mildly, too right you feel hurt. Pretty warped way of getting you to wake up and smell the coffee. Now you have his affair PLUS your original difficulty to get past.

For your children's sake try and write down what you feel and how you see your relationship with H. Reconsider your decision to opt out of counselling.