A bit of rational perspective welcome please. Hopefully petty.

[Dannilion]

Hello

A bit of background, DP and I are in our mid-20's, been together for 4 years, live together and are expecting PFB in 7 weeks. Our relationship was very casual to begin with, more so on his decision than mine if truth be told but we both dated other people for the first 6 months before becoming exclusive. Since becoming exclusive I absolutely adore him, I really do. He is loving, supportive, tolerable of my mood swings. We argue, like any other couple but I truly consider him my best friend.

And here comes the dreaded Facebook.

He left his Facebook signed in on my laptop this morning. There's nothin special about that as I know his password for everything (his lazy brain has a generic password for every walk of his Internet life). But I didn't realise and when turning it on this morning the little message icon was lit up, for use of a better phrase.

So I clicked on it, was from his best friend talking about a girl they knew from our area. I obviously knew at point that it wasn't my Facebook and of course I should have stopped reading as I've never invaded his privacy nor he mine. But the fact of the matter is I didn't.

Their conversation began with DP talking about this girl, saying 'I can't wait until dannilion goes out so I can wank over her new pictures, I'm gonna print them off and keep them in the shed' etc. Talking about whether she had split up with her DP or not.

I wish I never read them. I feel sick. I don't think I would be half as bothered if it was a celebrity but she isn't, she is someone they know and are likely to see. Pregnancy has totally ruined my body, I am literally covered in stretchmarks and have gone from a size 10-12 to a size 16-18 in maternity wear. I have crippling SPD which renders me incapable of doing basic day to day tasks, pregnancy incontinence and a lovely collection of piles so needless to say I wasn't exactly feeling too great about myself to begin with. Reading that has just really hit home how hideous I am now and part of me wants to rip his throat out for talking about another innocent woman as if she were some kind of masturbatory aid and nothing more. We are having a daughter and I wouldn't want her near a bloke like that.

Sorry for the long ramble. I just don't know what to do now. I know that there are thousands of worse things going on in relationships and that my issues seem petty in comparison. And part of me hopes that they are and it's just my hormones teaming up with my poor circumstances/bad timing.

I feel like I've totally invaded his privacy, because I have. But I also feel like I need to confront him because of how upset it has made me.

"Reading that has just really hit home how hideous I am now"

How does it make you hideous? How does it reflect on you in the slightest? What it tells you is that your partner is a dirt-bag. He is the problem. Not you.

" 'I can't wait until dannilion goes out so I can wank over her new pictures, "

I am wondering how he has pictures of this girl, how revealing they are and I am thinking she must be complicit in this?

No excuse for his behaviour though :(

Yes, I wouldn't want my daughter to meet a guy like this either.

Poor you, that sounds awful. And just when you are at your most vulnerable.

Yes, confront. Otherwise his actions will just affect you.

What a contemptible cock your partner is.
Sorry you had to read that, I'd be feeling sick too.

What else has he put in the shed? I'd be having a nose in there too.

The only way that this reflects badly on you is that you are in a relationship with him.

OP, this is not a reflection on you, not in the slightest, however awful you're feeling about the changes your body has gone through, it is not in any way ok for him to say he is looking forward to wanking to someone else's pictures behind your back. It's just gross and disrespectful.

"Our relationship was very casual to begin with, more so on his decision than mine if truth be told"

Hmm, bit of an amber flag there. Has he given you any reason to suspect him while you have been exclusive?

Ther e's certainly someone hideous in this relationship, but it isn't you. Sadly, that email would exist if you were pregnant or not. Would exist if you were one of the world's leading supermodels or one of those 50-stone women in a Channel Five documentary. And, I hate to say it, I bet anything he's been like this lots of times in the past, not just now and certainly not because you are pregnant and not at your physical best, shall we say.

And you know what? Even if something happened to make you truly physically grotesque, it still would not excuse his actions. It's really, really sleazy, and if the poor woman involved isn't posting pictures deliberately as wank-fodder, it's also really creepy, IMHO. Sexist git.

Is your dp sarcastic? This is the kind of thing my dh might say to shock or amuse his friend in private but would not dream of doing it in rl. If he actually means it tho, not so good.

Go out to the shed.

It can't get much worse, but it'll show you what you are dealing with. If there is pictures there, you'll be able to tell if they are "normal" pictures that he's taken from her Facebook etc or if they are pictures she's sent him or he's got from friends.

It'll help you build a picture, so that when you confront him you'll know if he's lying or not.

To be honest, I'd see no future in this. It's not about how you feel about yourself, or how ill you are, or what you weigh. It's general respect, and he is showing you none.

I think your feelings about not wanting to have a daughter with him are understandable too.

Hello all, thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me. Once I realised how long it was I didn't think anyone actually would!

Just to clear a few things up:

The pictures were on facebook. Just innocent ones of her and her friends, nothing sleazy. She is just a very pretty girl and everything I am not. Ie, not pregnant, different colour hair/skin tone/ body shape etc.

I've never had any reason to suspect him of anything before. Really, he is usually such a decent man. I'm not a particularly suspicious person anyways, I'm very laid back. So now I'm starting to wonder whether there was some red flag I should have been seeing somewhere because this is so very out of what I considered his character to be. My mother was the victim of a very emotionally and physically abusive relationship with my biological father, which ended when I was young and I didn't see him after that. My stepfather is amazing and I've never wanted my childhood to warp my perception of men so tend to try and always see the good in people.

We don't really have a shed per say, we have a little extension on our house where I chuck all his tools, paint pots etc etc but I go in it more than he does.

Anyways... So I confronted him and I'm ashamed to say it was via text as I was just about ready to burst. He told me it was just a "bit of banter" between he and his friend and I was never meant to see it. That it was my fault for going through his stuff. He then asked if I go through his phone etc. He knows I don't so I couldn't help feeling like he was trying to make me out to be a little bit crazy. He has deactivated his Facebook account as "I can't even talk to my friends anymore".

He did apologise for what he said and acknowledged that of course it would upset me, but it was never meant for my eyes. I told him that it had really damaged my already low self esteem and how nasty his choice in language was. He said that if I didn't want to be with a man who didn't talk about other women like that then I may as well shack up with another woman because they don't exist. Apparently all men talk like that and I should know because I've always been 'one of the boys'. Yes, boys... Not 26 year old engaged fathers to be.

He said that it's not his fault I have low self esteem and that I am never happy anyways.

If you've read this far then thank you. I need to take the dog out so I guess we won't be talking until I get back. I feel this has opened a whole can of worms and is just the tip of the iceberg. I can't help but think that if I saw something like that on the first time I peeked at his private stuff, what else has he been doing/saying for the last 3 years?

Of course he says nothing, and that I am making him out to be some sort of evil bastard for having a joke with his mate. I just don't know. I can't make my head from my arse at the moment.

He's on the defensive because he's been caught with his pants down... understandable in the circumstances. The things he's choosing to lash out at you with take note... because he knows your weak points, knows how to stick the knife in and, rather than apologise like any decent man, he's using this privileged information to make this somehow your fault. I think that's pretty low.

The 'boy' comment is on the money. Sadly, what you've got is an irresponsible adolescent in a 26 year-old body and, whatever else happens now, if you don't want a life of misery when your baby arrives, he needs to grow up sharpish. You can't afford to back-pedal or give him the benefit of the doubt .... everyone's nice when they aren't challenged and when others are determined to see the good in them. Now you've seen what he's really like, deal with the reality...

Good luck

My xh did this, saved pictures from fb of his schoolboy crush, hidden next to his (enormous) stash of hardcore porn. I also saw banter talking to a friend about going out and seeing attractive girls (toned down version).

What frightened me is that reading your post, I realised how I had normalised this, and obviously from other posters it really is not ok. I was initially beyond angry and upset when I came across it, but he persuaded me that it was ok behaviour (he never apologised). A year after our marriage ended, I am still coming across so many realisations about quite how bad a lot of behaviour was, but at the time my reality was so completely messed up so that what was abusive became normal.

For me a warning bell is that your DP is trying to make you feel crazy. You are entitled to feel really angry and really upset, and his job is to say sorry and perhaps explain, but not justify. You are feeling unattractive and pregnant, but he has a big role to play in causing that too, he should be trying to help you feel like a goddess - you are carrying his child. Perhaps you are seeing too much good in him (as you explained you have a tendency to do) and need to take a step back and think about whether your needs and wants are being met in this relationship.

He said that if I didn't want to be with a man who didn't talk about other women like that then I may as well shack up with another woman because they don't exist

He's wrong. But anyway, YOU don't like it and he loves you so... I'd be expecting him to be really sorry that he's hurt you and trying to make amends.

Dannilion = there is not a single person here who thinks that what your dp did was normal behaviour. Please do not let him convince you that it is.

He said that if I didn't want to be with a man who didn't talk about other women like that then I may as well shack up with another woman because they don't exist

So what he's saying is that it's pointless for you to have any expectations of him whatsoever. And all his behaviour can either be excused by that, or by something YOU'VE done. What a complete and utter wanker.

It is a lie that other men talk like this. I genuinely can't think of a man I know who would, and I have a lot of male friends who banter with me. DH was 24 when we got together and he would never speak like that about any woman.

It's really creepy and sexist to be talking about printing off pics of some innocent woman to wank to. Even if it's just banter, and I'm sure it probably was, it's still creepy and sexist. Can you imagine someone talking like that about your Fb pics? Yuck, vile.

I guess he has a right to be annoyed about you looking at his FB stuff, but he did leave it open. And the way he's massively over-reacted and placed all the blame in your court, especially saying hurtful things about your self-esteem, shows he is an entitled sexist git. I bet he hasn't exactly made your self-esteem as high as poss over the years, right?

It's not the worst crime in the world, but it's really upsetting, especially when you are close to giving birth to a daughter. There's so many sleazeballs out there - the last thing you need to find out that your DP is sleazy too, you poor thing. His reaction is a bit of a red flag, I must say.

I would find it impossible to put up with a man who had no respect for me .

Oh dear.
First, that language and attitude is vile.

• Secondly, I don't hear any guilt or embarrassment coming from him.
• also, he has just blamed you for prying, told you it doesn't matter, and cast doubt on your sexual orientation if you think it does. It matters to YOU, so it matters, full stop (it would matter to any of us).
• and "I guess we won't be talking" suggests you have a sulker on your hands.

Hoisting a red flag.

Your are not hideous, but you have chosen a hideous man to be the father of your pfb

All men are not like this. My h,, as the father of a DD and ds,, would have pulled him up on his juvenile comments

And I think there is, or has been, something on his phone he is testing to see if you have discovered

... oh I misread the 'until'. Ok, so at least you will talk, that's good.
Another thought ...

My stepfather is amazing and I've never wanted my childhood to warp my perception of men so tend to try and always see the good in people.

• it's good to see the good in others. Do you ever wonder though, if you don't expect very much from others/men- perhaps less than you'd expect from yourself?

You come across as a very sensible, mature young woman. Your DP on the other hand, is an immature, and grossly insensitive clown. Someone who, despite still being quite young, should be well past all this crap. Especially as he is about to become responsible for a child.

Please don`t allow his behaviour to further destroy your self esteem. Sadly, you seem to be doing quite a good job in that respect yourself. Very few women look their best during pregnancy, despite what the ads etc would have us believe. Once you have your little girl, start working on making yourself feel better, in whatever way you want to. Maybe lose the loser?

He really isn't the injured party here, he's been busted and any attempt to make this "Your Fault" is ludicrous.

I really hate it when people use this vile reflecting anger as a first line of defence. It can be extremely intimidating and confusing which adds insult onto injury and I am never sure what the appropriate way to handle it is.

Treating them as you would a tantrumming child is probably best (ignore... stick to your guns... ignore... stick to your guns), after all it is infantile behaviour.

With an ex partner who I busted doing something he said he wouldn't and who got insta-indignant at me I got absolutely screamingly furious in return and this shocked him back into being a reasonable human being. It was pretty out of character for me at the time.

I don't need a crystal ball to predict a life of misery for you and your child with this twat.