ex DH annoying emails: humour and coping responses to stop me getting irritated please

[Downunderdolly]

Hi

I've posted a bit over the last few years post my marriage break-up with ex-DH (he left for OW when son was 2, I was in middle of IVF, had moved to his home-country 2 years earlier and unable to go back to the UK to resume old life, career, family, friends etc - so been tough).

Two years of low level acrinomy later (lots of lies deception re OW, spiteful behaviour etc) OW and her son have moved in with ex-DH (from another city) and they are now a family unit which my son joins every other w/end. I am not 'allowed' to meet OW ("I can't see a reason to put her through that") and my son's life there is fairly separate but I think he likes OW and her child and 'happy' that he does not have to travel 10 hours round trip in a car to her city which is what my ex was doing with him last year.

Ex is being a dick generally (currently prob having to go to court to sort out legal error in our financial agreement which sees him paying around 40% less than anticipated + some issues about him letting me travel to UK for holidays all of which are being sorted by lawyers) and we have limited communication - which at his request is always via email - but we do have some logistics to attend to which require some exchanges.

My current irritation - and I can see it is almost funny - but it is having the no doubt desired effect of annoying me - is that since OW and her son moved in 2 months ago) it is almost laughable at the amount of times ex-DH can cram into an email about logisics 'my family' or 'DS's family' as if I don't exist at all in relation to DS and the 80% of time DS spends with me is just ancillary. I know that he is doing this to be 'hurtful' and to 'get' to me as we lost a couple of babies late on when we were married and were in the middle of IVF and that my hopes for a 'big' family are now just me and DS with all other family and close friends in UK. For example today's missive about swimming lessons is

"arrange a weekday lesson which doesn't impact on DS time with me and his family as he really looks forward to getting home to his family on Fridays"

followed by "DS will be attending with his brother and his family at ...."

ex claims DS has called OW child 'brother' from their first meeting (unprompted for sure ; ) and whilst it was hard I'm OK with that. But for example the other day I got an email that mentioned 'DS's family', 'his family (in relation to DS) and 'our family' and 'his brother' in relation to DS/OW/OWS son EIGHT times - again about a brief logistical matter and in relation to a question about limiting DS time on a certain game the 'In his

Laughing my head off and cringing on your ex?s behalf here Seriously, he's fucking pathetic.

I agree you should just ignore, but for selfish reasons I think you should keep on posting and updating.

I want to see what he does next to get attention and "goad" you into sitting there weeping and begging him to return as you realise what a "catch" you have lost!

Maybe he?ll e-mail you a photograph of the two of them in a heart shaped frame?

Maybe they?ll change the joint e-mail address (you know hard it is to get one of those, don?t you? HA HA HA) to exandOW [email protected]?

Maybe he?ll get personalised his and hers stationery to send official letters across!

The ex doth protest too much, as others have mentioned a good relationship just ?is? ? you don?t start trying to make it more solid by public declarations. Unless you're like 18 and conduct your life on Facebook - LOVE U BABE followed by SUM PEOPLE NO WHO THEY ARE, GOD HATES HEARTBREAKERS.

TROUBLE IN PARADISE HA HA HA!

Love from

[email protected]

One other thing that crossed my mind is that when you look back in a few year's time, you will thank your lucky stars that you played a straight game with him. Stay true to yourself and let him have his hissy fits and make you DSs life with you as stable and loving as possible.

My DCs are much older and what I could never have guessed when they were young is just how little control you have over what happens as they grow up. I don't mean that in a bad way, more that their personalities develop and they start to have their own opinions. There will be ups and downs as their development is never quite in a straight line.

The way that you Ex is behaving seems to indicate that he sees DS as a commodity, rather than his own flesh and blood who is a person in his own right and has a right to parents who only want the best for him. Your Ex wants the best for himself, and will mow down anyone who gets in his way. So far he has kept ahead of the story... making sure that anyone he can influence stays 'on side'.

Thats OK when you are creating your 'new story' but the time has come when he is settled (apparently) with 'perfectwoman', a perfect/happy family operating around him and his future is bright... or so he thinks. He is running out of things to run away from. He has to make this new life work. Alongside that new life built on sand is his 'other life' - The wife he abandoned and then abused legally and emotionally, the DS who has a whole other family in the UK and a path strewn with lies and bullshit.

I think the others are right in saying this only has a limited time to run. No woman in her right mind must think that he is 100% the clean cookie. She must have doubts and he can't stay ahead of her forever.

In amongst my rambling I am trying to say that you should keep on doing what you are doing. DS will grow into a boy, a teenager and then a young adult. He will need you in a way your Ex can never replicate. Focus on making sure your relatinship with DS is as strong as anything. You don't need to diss his DF, you can be sure your Ex will do that all on his own.

Thank you all for your helpful and hysterical (some of them) remarks. Deedotty I nearly spat out my milk over my cornflakes reading your FB status parody! too too funny! Never, thanks for the reminder that irrespective of whether or not I am with DS all the time, their development is not linear and can't be controlled.

Never. You are so right in that if I was here I would always have one eye over my shoulder. I personally could not be with someone who treated their ex in this way and I think she has visibility to some if not all of his actions (in her unsolicted email to me a few months ago she wrote in a fairly santimonius way of how she reads emails between us and how whilst she sometimes believes we are both quick to anger she will advise him but 'won't control him'...this made me laugh in a hollow way too as part of his script is that I controlled him.....>

And deedotty - what is SO surprising about this new jointwuvvyemail is that on paper they are both grown-ups with a reasonable amout of intelligence (clearly not enough). It is just so embarrassing for them (in my opinion). The only thing that I can think of is that - now with the benefit of hindsight - I think ex-DH is the type of person who isn't sure who he really is. And I think when he is with someone he sort of assumes their interests and outlooks. Obviously I didn't see that when he was with me, more since he left and a few of his friends in his country referenced a few things (I met him in UK so had no point of reference). What I mean by that is he had a girlfriend in his 20s for several years who was a mad keen horse rider and eventer and he rode horses for several of those years with her (but never sat on one since) and with me he sort of assimulated into friends in London and got into reading and theatre and adventure(ish) travelling and I don't believe has done so since so I guess if OW is the joint email wuvvy fluffy you don't have to be made to work here but it helps gonk on desk type person maybe he is now that person. Without being amateur psychologist he is also like that with OW family/DS....in that his sister (who is lovely) has a 'blended' family and they have these 'family rules' that they have on their wall - you know the type - 'in this family we..... etc etc' - he has started dropping these in relation to DS/OW family but just some-one else's ideas....also their blended family was developed slowly over 6 years, not in one weekend ; )

Anyway, my turn to ramble now (never you weren't at all - really helpful post). I have now - thanks to advice - got his emails going into sep folder. I can see when they arrive but not subject matter and no not to click on one until I'm feeling robust. I also have a sticker on my computer reminding me of my self imposed 24 hour 9-5pm rule - ie I don't respond to any email until 24 hours later and only between hours of 9-6 to ensure I don't respond emotionally (or after a few glasses of wine ;)

Again, thanks so much x

Perhaps a pair of fluffy dice embroidered with Cunt & Cuntette 'Wayne & Waynetta'

I just read the bit about the OW sending you the email about her not having an affair with your ex.

Shame it's ages ago (and you're so much nicer than them) because you could have replied along the lines of "oh, that's interesting. I was sure the PI said it was you that was sharing the room with exh at such and such a place. The photos show exh and a woman with (insert features of your choice). If it's not you, I wonder who it could have been...." If it was her, that would pull the wind from her sails and if it wasn't, well it would set the cat amongst the pigeons nicely.

Re the joint email address (boak) you can also use that to your advantage - especially if you think she's reading it. No doubt she's been told a whole heap of lies about you so by responding to all emails with sweetness, lightness and all things reasonable you'll begin to put doubts in her head as to the truth of your exh's statements about you.

I think your reply where you say about her being a mum too and her boy being lovely is inspired. Way to sow seeds of doubt.

How about you set up a new email address for yourself and ask ex and ow
to use that one now. I suggest [email protected] but you may find it's already taken.

Disclaimer: do not actually do this, just ignore the pathetic arse.

Smile and nod, op, smile and nod. She must be desperately insecure and he sounds like a psychopath frankly.

Twunt Watch: Friday

So. ex-DH sent an email in relation to a logistical school uniform question. I replied (not referencing new wuvvyfluffydice email) and also in bullet point form told him a few logistical school things re reading folder that was to come to him for first time and then finished with a still waiting for the answers on following issue from previous emails to him that have gone unanswered (all practical and devoid of emotion relating to if he is taking a week's holiday with him in April school holidays, a question re soccer etc). I added all to one email as he has previously asked me to limit communication (again for those of you have read all of the thread - I think slightly with a view to how these look to third parties as I don't think I have over communicated in last year or so and all about practical kid things/NOT our ex relationship etc)...anyhooo...get the following response:

"By asking you to limit communication and keep emails to a minimum, I did not intend for you to consoldate numerous points on one email. Answering about the school uniforms was all that was required."

I think it must be a mental control thing. He has previously asked for limited communication (super fine with me and actually I think what I was doing but hey ho) Nothing contentious, arsey in email and sensibly consolidating all outstanding points and THIS isn't acceptable to him.....am seriously beginning to question his mental health.....

In the meantime I sent back a short and factual response simply stating

"Would you prefer for me to send invidual emails about each issue/point. I am confused as to your wishes. Please clarify. In the meantime I would like an answer re the April holidays as soon as you are able."

EXHAUSTING

From
[email protected] / dollyhasenoughselfrespectandsenseofselfnottohavetoshacklemyselftolamejointemail@annoying.com

x

He's mad. Completely mad. It's not you, it's very much him. If he thinks these exchanges are likely to impress a court he's very much mistaken.

On the upside, all that eye-rolling must excellent exercise for your ocular muscles.

My ex is of a similar persuasion - if I do A, why didn't I do B, but if I do B, why oh why didn't I do A?

That friend of yours who promised you champagne if you won Twunt Bingo - I think you should go to him/her and claim your prize!

God he really wants to keep a dialogue going with you doesn't he. He's desperate for you to keep communication going isn't he so he can measure the impact he's having. This is the dialogue ex and I have about contact with ds1 this w.end

Ex: Is 10 on Sunday OK to pick up DS1? Bradford City are on in afternoon so think we will watch that together so might be a late drop off if that is OK?

Me: Yes 10 is fine. He wants to watch footy so sounds good. See you Sunday.

This is a normal level of communication for contact. No telling each other how, when and why you communicate. He needs to be taught to stick to the facts and no dialogue about anything about yr DS and arrangements, you sound like you have this down to a tee OP. Can you just tell him that from now on you will send one email a week, detailing necessary issues relating to DS and any other communication will have to wait until following week unless medical emergency? He is headfucking you and for your own sake IMHO it needs to be nipped in the bud.

Just read the whole of this thread..omg your ex is a complete knob!

Just one thing though, why have you never insisted you meet the OW? Your son spends his weekends there with her, she is part of his 'weekend' family

From: [email protected]

To: Twunt

Dear Twunt,
I'm sorry you are finding my communications so difficult to follow. Perhaps it would be best all round if I communicate directly with OW.

Actually, don't reply to his wishes.

Just send the e-mails you want in the form you want.
Don't even acknowledge his complaints.

Agree with leuji. He's not your boss. You don't have to follow his orders. Your emails should be concise, factual and only as frequent as is necessitated by the care of your son but other than that, he's not in a position to dictate format, length, consolidation of previous emails (I mean WTAF is he on there).

I think it must be a mental control thing

Spot on, dolly. He's mental and it's all about control with him.

From the outside it sorts of feels like you're giving his wishes too much power - I mean, I know you're NOT, (you're just practising that eye roll!) but I can see how he would take the "I am confused as to your wishes. Please clarify" as you actually CARING about how to structure your communication! Why don't you just TELL him that you'll send him emails about DS as and when is needed and that you don't require any help to structure said content. I'm so impressed with your restraint, btw, I don't know how you help yourself from pointing out that you're ALL ds's family, and does he MEAN to include YOU in the weekend plans?

What would be the fallout, do you think, if you were to ignore his 'rules' and contact OW yourself? Maybe to go for coffee or something? Is that something you've considered? (again, effectively removing his 'power' or 'control' over all of this)?

Have just read the whole thread - what an entitled, controlling twat he is! Loving the sense of humour, though, Dolly - love the email address thing...

But on a serious note, DH has learned with his ex that he can limit the amount of control/headfuckery by putting a time-limited default position on any request eg holiday arrangements need clarifying by xxx date. If you haven't let me know by then, I'll assume you're happy for me to sort out holidays.

Don't give him any more control over you than you can help. I agree with Lueji communicate on your own terms.

Hello. Yes I can see that I prob should not have responded to that and just carried as per I see fit. I'm (naively) hoping that it would take the wind out of his sails but I agree that it is probably giving him too much 'power'. My RL friend (10 years older and had similar issues with her first DH told me as much at brunch). I think I may try out the odd written note (re logistics) in DS school bag for a bit to eliminate need for emails altogether...there isn't really too much that needs to go back and forth anymore outside of holiday arrangements, birthday parties etc.

Mrs Tom Hardy 'I'm not allowed' to meet the OW as my ex 'can see no reason to put her through that' ......

love
dollygotpropositoinedby32yearoldexslovenianmodelturnedhousepainterwhoifhedidnotlivelocallyandhasonoffgirlfriendwouldpounceoninacougarsecond@outlook.com (true story ; )

"To put her through that"....bloody cheek lol....
When my XP met someone after we'd split up (a month later) he told me he wouldn't introduce our DS (11 mths) to her until it was serious. That weekend they all went out to a farm for the day and the only reasen he then told me was because a friend of mine saw them! I told him he wasn't having our DS again until I'd met this woman as it was obv he was then spending all his weekend time (EOW) with both parties and I wanted to meet the woman who would be ultimately caring for my son (XP =knob)....to give her her due she did come to my door and we met for all of five mins but it wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be and I felt a lot better afterwards knowing who my son would be spending 4 nights a month with!

OK. I fucking hate the stupid arse cunt. Seriously. Dolly is temporarily demented with the entitled poisonous FUCKER and highly annoyed with herself that she keeps trying to 'bother' to 'move things forward'. I am temporarily DONE.

1. stupid pompous response to how to communicate with him 'simple, one email per subject, don't communicate uncessarily'
2. I am in oz and can visit my family and friends once a year for max 6 weeks. in oz Jan is like August in Italy and essentially the only time you can take more than a few weeks off. son was born in Jan and I want to go back from my mother's 70th birthday. ex believes I cannot travel over ds birthday (this is nonsense as far as lawyer is concerned and we are sending letter) but irrespective lets pretend I have to ask his permission. he is essentially saying I will take my 3 hours with ds on his birthday (as outlined in agreement if we were not using common sense) vs dolly ok you can go to your mothers 70th as it is the only time you can travel to uk and lets face it I am making you stay apart from them when my family is 20 mins down the road....
3. I had requested to attend ds's FIRST EVER soccer match - special day - for an hour (his w/end)....net net it is highly unreasonable of me to want to attend and he will not take him unless I confirm i won't attend

I cannot believe that I married this man. I cannot believe he is being like this. I cannot believe he has no moral compass. I cannot believe that two fairly intelligent and 'high functioning' people

Dolly :( and a from a complete stranger.
Mind you, I think a posse could be got up from MN to kick the shit out of him make him see some sense.

Oh Dolly you are an amazing person to get through this as you have. I would think note is school bag when necessary is a good idea. He is pathetic, and just trying to keep some control over you. He doesn't want you to meet her as it may unravel the lies he has undoubtedly told her.

Don't discuss the birthday thing with him, just do it through the lawyers. Avoid contact as much as possible.

Register his lovely new email everywhere he needs to have his contact details eg school just in case they need it research a country to live in that he couldn't get you back from Fantasise about the day you never have to let him dictate ever again. DS will be 18 soon

Dear [email protected]

Yes, Dolly, enough with the polite attempts I think. Next time don't ask if it would be ok if you attend your own son's first football match - just turn up! What is he going to do, make a scene in front of your son and his friends? It doesn't sound as though reason and logic will help with this pathetic and nasty man.

YOU ARE NOT THE MOST STUPID, YOU ARE TRYING ALL THIS FOR YOUR SON!

Can't he see that you want to attend for YOUR SON'S SAKE? He wants to be at war with you. What a spectacular arse.

Time to change tactics.

And he is relying on you being the better person, taking advantage of it, in fact.

Am very on your behalf.