Deter Innovations

[Helmondo]

www.deterinnovations.org/index.html

So I don't really have much time right now, I will be back to update in more detail, but does anyone have any experience in these courses for abusive men?

I've been lurking on mumsnet since last may which has been opening my eyes to my DP, I'd been thinking it was me going mad! And I've been trying to get up the courage to post for a few months now.

To cut a long story short, we moved in together nearly 4 years ago 2 days before our dd1 was born, and ever since, he has been emotionally, verbally, physically, and sexually abusive towards me.

This stopped when dd2 was born last February, which I now realise was because I had basically turned into a doormat so there was no need for it in his eyes. When I joined last may and had my eyes opened, I started to question things, which came to a head one night when he put his hands around my neck a few times, and I told him that if he couldn't control himself then he wouldn't stop, that it was meant as a warning for me to "shut up".

Sorry if this seems all over the place!

It's taken a few months but he has admitted that he has a problem and he phoned respect and spoke to them, telling them what he has been doing, and they referred him to this course I've linked above. He's got hold of them and is waiting for them to get back to him for a meeting.

He's also told his best friend what he's been doing, and he's pretty disgusted with him. He's told his mum as well, as I told him that if it all stays a secret, he won't feel as if he has to change.

I don't know if this has anything to do with it, but his dad was physically abusive towards his mum when he was drunk (they split when DP was still very small, about 1 or 2, don't know exactly).

His step-dad is a whole other story, is not physically abusive but basically always treated DP like shit because he wasn't 'his' son.

Wow, didn't realise this was going to be this long, but I've not even scratched the surface yet! I've got to go as I've got to clear up after tea and bath both dd's, but will be back later on tonight.

Abuse is often generational and it's handed down like an heirloom.

Your not very 'd' p is the product of his upbrining.

Do you want your dc to be the product of theirs if you continue to stay with this bully?

If he's got any intention of changing his ways he'll take himself off and live elsewhere while he completes a Respect or similar course and he will show you by actions and deeds, as well as words, that he's beginning to comprehend what a loathsome piece of gobshite he is.

However, you should be aware that these courses have a low success rate and it's probable he'll morph into a more sophisticated abuser as he'll have learned the jargon and know how to manipulate it to present himself in a better light and lay a guilt trip on you in the process.

I don't know why you've chosen to provide a link to 'deter innovations'? The only link you need is www.womensaid.org.uk so you can wise up before he does you/your dc serious harm and enrol yourself on the Freedom Programme so that you see him for what he is and don't fall for his bullshit protestations of having 'changed'.

Sorry OP, I don't think there are any quick fixes for perpetrators.

As Izzy said, I think any professional would advise that your DH moved out while he was in the process of confronting his behaviour and the thought processes that lead to it. Apart from anything else, it would be extremely challenging in every sense to go through the process of really examining oneself in this way and will raise all sorts of trauma and emotional responses. As someone used to alleviating his feelings through violence it could be additionally dangerous for you and your DC to be around him at this time.

Apart from whether he is genuinely up for all the hard work changing entails, and assuming he could access the specialist help to do so - leaving all that aside, would you really be willing to give him a second go? Would you really not be tempted to think life is too short? To grab a chance at peace and happiness, rather than gamble the next decade or so, and your children's childhoods and upbringing on his determination to change?

You certainly don't owe him anything after all he's put you and your DC through.

Thank you for your replies, I've looked at the freedom program a few weeks ago and I've been lurking around the women's aid website too.

I know there is no quick fix and I'm extremely skeptical about whether or not anything is going to change.

I also bought "why does he do that" a couple of months back and have read that too, unsurprisingly, he's in there! I think he knows I'm serious because I've been challenging everything over the last few weeks, and I mean everything, even little 'jokey' comments, which have stopped now.

He's been pulling his weight more with the kids, and the house since he phoned respect, and has been being extremely ' nice'.

I know about the cycle of abuse and realise he may be doing this to keep me quiet until my expectations of him lower, but they won't.

Sorry if I seem like a bit of an idiot for giving him a chance.

Personally, after all he's done and the adverse affect it has already on your dc, I think you're crazy to give him a chance but, if you're determined to do so, I suggest you firmly resolve to boot him out if he puts so much as a toe near the line - and stand by your intention.

As ES has said, you're also best advised to ensure he lives elsewhere if he attends any course for abusers and be sure to make contact with the course organisers, or any mentor assigned to him, so that you can be updated as to his progress - or lack of it.

If you intend to continue living with an abusive male, there is only one way to go and that is straight down the line of zero tolerance.

Make it clear to him that from hereon in should he make any threat or commit any act of violence or intimidation, you will call the police, have him removed from your home, and press charges.

Make it equally clear that there will no 'ifs' and no 'buts' and disabuse him of any notion that you'll take him back if he says 'sorry'.