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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice please- dreading proposal

8 replies

Reluctantbride · 09/02/2013 16:40

Been with a guy 3yrs not living together. No DC together He's a lovely partner, attentive, generous, fantastic with DC and liked by all family and friends. Financially solvent and excellent cook....

We met on the net and live 3hrs apart. Despite that distance we see each other 2-3 times a month, text and email every day and spend all holidays together. It's not enough for me anymore. I want him to move in -family reasons mean I can't move. I have the biggest house and have a DC here. He is in total agreement about moving here ....except he hasn't. Job wise...he can do his job anywhere. Children will live same distance away once he's moved. He could rent or sell his house. So no major obstacles

He wants to marry and I've said no in the past. (Bad marriage previously, didn't see the need and reluctant to commit) We discussed it again last summer and I said I was ready to marry. I had changed my mind because I really enjoy spending time with him and decided my lack of commitment was why he wasn't moving in with me and I really wanted him to.

No proposal and no sign of any plans to sell, rent or move. He's just taken on a chairperson role in a local (to him) club he's heavily involved with. He'd say it's only once a month meeting and he can do it by driving up monthly. I think it's just one small example of how attached he is to his life where he lives.

I appreciate he might not want to move. I don't want a long distance relationship anymore. Simple answer is I tell him that and we split

I'm expecting a proposal any day (sounds daft when I say it...) but he gave strong hints he was buying a ring before Christmas.

Emotionally I'm preparing to split up...but awaiting dreading a proposal. I would be happy if he'd move here but I think I'd end up wearing a ring and in a new state of limbo.

Doing my head in.... I have decided to end the relationship at the end of this month unless I have some evidence we might live together very very soon. I'm also aware that everyone will think I'm mad because of my first paragraph. My DD will be devastated as she loves him. I will probably stay single as circumstances mean I can't easily date and I'm not sure I want another man passing through our lives...so lonely either way.

Advice?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/02/2013 16:44

Don't waste your life waiting for someone who lets you down to keep their promises.... Strong hints about rings are really just to keep you on the hook, sorry. If you want to end it, don't suffer another three weeks of this.

Reluctantbride · 09/02/2013 16:46

The 3 weeks are for another reason. A family event which my DC are eagerly anticipating and I don't want to ruin. Plus I need a weekend opportunity to see him and tell him face to face without DC present

OP posts:
HermioneE · 09/02/2013 16:47

You haven't mentioned whether you love him?

Personally I'd say leaving that out might be an indicator in itself Confused

Reluctantbride · 09/02/2013 16:47

You're right though :)

I'm still finding it hard

OP posts:
Reluctantbride · 09/02/2013 16:50

I do love him...in a guarded sort of way. I don't think I'm capable of head over heels love anymore. Can't risk it. Need to be able to extricate myself in case of abuse so don't allow myself to be head over heels (not sure this makes sense...have a friend who feels this way after her abusive marriage so don't think it's just me). I don't think it's about him. It's about my inability to commit emotionally.

OP posts:
pumpkinsweetie · 09/02/2013 17:13

Be honest with him, don't waste your time on someone that isn't for you.
Life is too short

Bogeyface · 09/02/2013 17:59

Perhaps that why he doesnt want to move in with you. I am not sure that I would want to move three hours away from my friends and my life for someone who could only love me in a "guarded" way. If he senses that you are holding back then why would he throw his eggs into your basket?

You dont trust him to love you or treat you properly. You are waiting for the day when he abuses you and you leave, which is understandable but means that you will never fully commit to him. The way that you are talking so clinically about when and how to finish with someone that you want to live with tells me that you dont really love him. You turning down his proposal will have shown him that you werent on the same page then, and little has changed in real terms.

Sorry, but I think that your lack of love and trust in him is probably why he is now hedging.

Reluctantbride · 09/02/2013 18:21

I feel like I'm driving away the best thing in my life ever but I'm also terrified of commitment. I can't see a way forward tbh

Don't think I'll ever be ready to commit. He understands why but I agree with you Bogey I have given him every reason to doubt me.

I don't think I'm capable of the sort of love that doesn't involve clinical decision making. Been there, done that, damaged

Do feel like I need to end it one way or another

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