worried about relationship after baby.

[notwhatiplanned]

I have been together for 8 years, our first baby is under 1 (planned). We have always had a good relationship, laughed together, and when we married 2 years ago i felt sure it was forever.
Since the baby has been born things have been hard in our relationship.
He has given me little help with the baby, i do everything and have to ask if he can change a nappy etc-its as if its MY baby and my responsibility. He seems more interested in work than us, he is constantly working from home at the weekends doing stuff he doesnt NEED to be doing, and baby is crawling up his legs looking for attention whilst he taps away on the pc. It makes me so sad.
He also seems to be permanently grumpy and moans all the time.
I feel like having a baby has opened my eyes to a side of him i dont like- a very selfish one who needs to grow up.
Am so worried about our future :( hoping its just a phase :(

Have you tried to have an honest and open discussion with your husband? x

Sounds very hard for you. You need to talk to him. Try to keep calm because these are emotive subjects and it would be easy for both of you to get defensive and upset.

Poor you. I'm afraid that you are not the only one this has happened to. It's very common - probably more common that you know because a lot of women don't own up to how selfish their partners are because they feel such fools for not having seen it before.

You'll find that most women have to ask their partners to 'babysit' if they want to go out, for example, whereas most men will just tell their partners that they're going out!!

My dh was like your dh when dd was small. He still has little to do with her really, even now that she's 5 - I suppose the pattern of me doing everything with her is set, and now it's only me that she wants/thinks of when she needs help/playing with/bathing/putting to bed etc etc etc.

In retrospect, I think one way of dealing with it is to give him say Saturday, when he is in charge of her, and you need to go out. If you're there, he'll just let you do it all you see. You have to be absent. Then you will at least get a break, even if you end up sitting in a coffee shop on your own for a couple of hours.

What's that old saying - something like 'having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade into a relationship'. So true.

You need to have a pretty urgent and detailed conversation rather than just hoping it'll pass. Parenthood changes life fundamentally, is not compatible with selfishness, and it's simply not on for one person to decide that they are going to simply opt out, become a PITA and carry on their life as if nothing has happened. He has to be told and fast.....

I'd also recommend that you find some really urgent, important reason to go away from home for a few days without the baby... Very hard to avoid fatherhood and carry on being self-absorbed when he's the one in sole charge.