advice needed please about dealing with (abusive) stepfather

[minimus]

feel shaky starting a thread but I would value opinions on this. I think I need impartial advice to help sort my head out. Haven't been on MN for long but hoping for pointers in right direction

I think i suffered abuse from my (alcoholic) stepfather when I was younger (abt 8/9yrs till abt 10/11yrs). He used to make me feel uncomfortable often for reasons I couldn't explain, I hated his drinking but because he 'worked' my mum always stuck up for him and said he was 'good to marry her as she already had children'. My poor mum worked her socks off and supported myself and 3 brothers after our father tragically died which she was devastated from too.

anyway stepfather used to come into my room at night (I had my own room) and mum often worked late so he would be only adult in house. my brothers had their own rooms. [I have awful moments when I realised as I was growing up that he had 'abused' me. But he did't rape me or anything like that.] It was just uncomfortable stuff like showing me how to 'french kiss' and I think talking about men and women and how they 'do it'. I am sure he used to get his penis out and show it to me but part of me now thinks 'did I imagine that?' He never did anything like this in front of anyone else. He also took more of an interest in my underwear as I used to see him taking it out of the laundry basket which I remember asking him about so I know this happened. It disgusts me and fills me with shame. I am so sad as my mum deserves better but she won't hear anything against him so I have always been alone struggling with feelings of guilt.

I have never wanted to be attractive to men, left home quite young straight into a long term relationship where I was physically abused but too scared to see I could get out of it or deserve better. I could go on but I just want to ask someone - what my stepfather did was wrong, wasn't it? Even if it was just the kissing which is inappropriate enough?

Should I go for counselling and any recommendations in particular? I have been on anti-depressants struggling with depression and anxiety before. Sometimes I feel my whole life has been a lie if that makes sense.Thanks in advance for reading and sorry this is long!

Yes, what your stepfather did was wrong. Parents are supposed to take care of children, protect them from harm and equip them for making their way in the world as adults in due course. Sex education is one thing. Affection is another normal part of being a family. Kissing a little girl in a sexual manner and exposing himself was totally wrong on every level. He abused you.

If she doesn't know already, I think your mum needs to know what happened because you've dealt with this alone your whole life and that's damaged you. As I said originally, parents are there to take care of children and protect them from harm. Not the other way around... which is what's currently happening. Is she still with this hideous man? Are there other little girls in the family who are at risk? Did your brothers have any bad experiences with him?

I think counselling would be a good idea for you. Medication doesn't tackle the real problem, of course. Just blots some of the symptoms. Your life hasn't been a lie exactly, but it has been extremely traumatic with too many secrets. Would you be happy to tell your GP the truth? Ask to be referred?

thank you cogito for your advice, much appreciated. I think I would be prepared to tell my GP and ask for referral to counselling if it will help (hate having the subject in my head and having to talk about it but no matter how hard I try it never really goes away and you're right its damaged my whole life in many aspects).

my mum is still with him, she drinks as much as he does now and wouldn't believe me as I have always been 'trouble' 'difficult' and not as 'easy-going' as the boys! mum had more children with him (sons, thankfully) but now he has grand-daughters. I have distanced myself from them all, live miles away and see them rarely. don't think my brothers were affected, they have different memories than me. I remember stepfather fighting with my mum when he got home drunk but my brothers stayed in their room whilst I would go downstairs to try to 'help' (which wasn't wanted obvs). I did try to tell one of my brothers once but it just ended up in no-one wanting to talk about hence why I feel alone and confused in my thinking sometimes.

It's probably a good thing that you've distanced yourself. I think seeing a counsellor would help you a lot. It's a pity your family don't want to hear about it however because sometimes it really helps for someone who was actually there to just say 'I believe you' or 'I remember that happening'. Confirms that it really did happen so that you stop doubting yourself. As another idea, writing your story down could be a different way to get it out of your head... you've already got the ball rolling by setting it down here which takes guts. Definitely something to build on.

I totally get the did I imagine it! And the not wanting to be attractive.

I am going to say what I have said before.

What he did to you was not not as bad because he didn't rape you. It was still abuse. It was still vile behaviour by an adult towards a child.

You have every right and reason to be damaged by this. You were a child it was totally wrong. It was all his fault. You were not to blame in the slightest.

Unfortunately I think your assessment of your mum is right.

Try and get some help/counselling to help you over come this.

cogito - you're so right it would be helpful if someone in my family would listen. twice in last 20 years(!) I tried to raise this (not easy as I feel for my mum & brothers) needless to say, its always ended in disaster and me feeling worse. I will write it down thats a good idea, and yes it was difficult to even write it here

xales - thank you so much for understanding where I am coming from too. I can see what you mean, it was still abuse. I cannot imagine other men I know who are stepfathers doing this to a young girl - even if they used alcoholism as an excuse (which I know its not!). I will speak to my GP about counselling.

i really appreciate both your input, it has helped me enormously already in knowing where to turn next, thank you!!

Talk to the children's mothers, if you can't talk to your brothers about this. My feeling is that if they then talked to the fathers (your brothers) they might say you are making it up, but the seed of doubt would have been sown, and the girls will be better protected than you were.

This kind of abuse - and it is abuse - is very difficult to deal with. It's in the past so its not necessarily something one wants to bring back into the present. Basically you got abused twice over - once by him doing way creepy stuff frankly, and once by your Mum, for taking the easy option and choosing to label you as difficult. Now she is talking the easy option with the drinking.

I was sexually abused when I was 5, but never told any adult about it at the time because it didn't occur to me anyone would believe me. Also my mum was dying from cancer at the time, so I think everyone was pretty much otherwise occupied. I've never told anyone who it was, but I have now told my eldest sisters that it happened. No one is comfortable being told this kind of stuff quite honestly - they would really rather not know.

As an adult I have seen a psychiatrist and I chose not to open this door again, but I did inform him that it had happened. You can choose to discuss these kind of issues with professionals without going into it blow by blow. Seeking professional help is about getting the help you need to function better, it won't be a cure all but it will help. If you don't like the first person you see, find another.

wallypops - thanks so much for your advice too, I really appreciate it trouble is the girls father's are my stepfather's sons, I doubt they'd want to hear it. the other brother that i tried to broach this horrible truth with is my father's child (he calls my stepfather 'dad', he's younger than me so only remembers one 'father'). the girls mother is close to my mum as they live nearby and tbh I cannot see her wanting to 'rock the boat' or believe me that it happened (stepfather good at putting on an act but it turns my stomach every time I see him talking to children tbh). They all seem content 'playing happy families' even if they must know its not all perfect (e.g. the excessive drinking etc) and I'm conveniently for them 'out of sight, out of mind'.

am so saddened to hear about what you went through when you were very young too. I know exactly what you mean about it not occurring to you that anyone would believe you. I think you are spot on when you say that no-one is comfortable being told this kind of stuff. I seems unless its happened directly to you (in which case you have no choice) people would rather not know

thank you also for advice about psychiatrist, I think I was worried I'd have to go into it in detail so good to know that I won't because I just cannot bear to deal with it sometimes but I do know I need to function better as an adult.

i mean when I say they are my stepfather's sons, I doubt they'd want to hear it about their own father (if that makes more sense)

This is a little left-field... but have you ever tackled this man directly? When you first knew this man you were a powerless child but, as an adult, you are not in that position. How we feel about people can get stuck at a point when we first knew them. So if you still see him from the perspective of a trapped child, and if everyone else has their head in the sand, might some kind of confrontation take the fear out of it for you?

I doubt that you'd get any kind of admission, understanding or an apology, of course, and it may be that you think the whole thing would be an exercise in futility, too disruptive or simply far too difficult emotionally ... but at some level, just being able to say (or write) 'I know what you did & I know what you are' could be a way of finally getting the power balance back with you.

gosh cogito I can honestly say that I've never thought about it like that e.g. seeing him from the perspective of a trapped child. I guess I still do!

re telling him face-to-face, (in the past, I vaguely attempted to mention my dislike but never got anywhere). He has my mum backing him up no matter what, I'd be accused of trying to destroy their family life. She's extremely defensive about their excessive drinking, I suspect this has a huge part to play in her behaviour towards me.

A letter to him is such a good idea, I think I would feel more in control if I did that. I feel more able to cope just knowing there are steps that I could take to address this and help myself. But stepfather is a coward who hides behind my mum, am pretty sure he'd try to use a letter against me in some way. I don't see him on a regular basis but he has always insidiously put my mum down and I think he is emotionally manipulative towards her. I have nothing to lose though. He was verbally abusive to me last time I saw him, rather than call him up on it mum joined in and then became physically abusive towards me. They were both drunk but no excuse really.

So a letter to him just so I can finalise it in my head and seek counselling, why should get away with the damage he has caused and is still causing!!... it actually feels better already to hear others' views and form a clear plan of action

You've described a situation where your family don't want to know and your mother would rather defend this alcohol-soaked bully than listen to her own daughter. You don't have much contact, you're seen as a troublemaker & you are realistically not expecting to be embraced as part of this dysfunctional family any more. If it all falls apart because someone shines a light into a grubby corner by telling the truth, it wasn't much cop in the first place.

You are dead right. You have nothing to lose except your fear. Glad you're feeling more positive and wish you the best of luck

thank you cogito, I will probably need that luck once he gets this letter I will write!! But I need to lose this fear and move on.

When you put it like that above and seeing it starkly written down, I can see its not much of a family to want to be part of. Am in my forties now and have tried quite hard all these years to not upset mum, brothers etc think I have had enough of them.

PS to be fair? (if thats right word) to my mum, she did apologise after her violent outburst, begged me to come back which was awful but I went to stay with a brother instead (who of course, didn't want to hear about yet another bust-up with mum and stepfather...!) (not that I felt like talking about it much either but I was incredibly upset).

Apologies are easy but what every kid needs to know, no matter how old they get, is that they are #1 in their parent's priorities. It's that fundamental bedrock security that gives someone the resilience to tackle life. Whatever else your mum has done or not done, she's let you down in that one very important area. I think you have to stop giving her the benefit of the doubt.

oh cogito, you talk a lot of sense. i will have to change a habit of a lifetime of giving her benefit of doubt and feeling bad because she's had a difficult life.

am going to keep this thread close by and re-read to help keep me strong (and sane). advice given by all has been invaluable, I know that already and I've not even written the letter or sought referral for counselling yet!

Do you have kids of your own?

sadly no I don't (and I love children and part of me wishes I had my 'own' family to love)

I have only recently-ish come to understand (horrible realisation like my whole life has been a lie) that part of the reason I don't is because I knew I would never be able to involve them with my mum (due to my stepfather). Because I'd never let him touch any baby of mine!

don't get me wrong, I know I cannot blame them for every decision in my life as I know I am an adult but I do feel many of my (unwise) choices in life have been determined by the past, wrongly or rightly. (sorry long answer!!)