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Relationships

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Original poster

DH lied, how long should I expect his repentance last

19 replies

TheInnerSea · 08/02/2013 16:50

It was stupid , something happened that would have upset me and probably caused a row, but no big deal in the scheme of things. He bent the truth to avoid telling me and when I found out he'd lied, well that did cause a row.

Lying is a real deal beaker for me, I just can't stand being lied to. Even little white ones have been known to end friendships.

Anyway we talked, understood etc and Dh is determined to make it up to me. I'm a little uneasy taking advantage of this new perfect husband, especially as I suspect I did over react (a bit). How long can I let this go on for?

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 08/02/2013 16:52

Depends on what it was to be honest.

I'm not bothered by little white lies. I wouldn't end a friendship over them. I'd just let it go, and get him to stop trying to make it up to you if you overreacted.

Doha · 08/02/2013 16:55

Until the end of time

fluffyraggies · 08/02/2013 16:59

Until we know what he lied about we can only give vague posts about the importance of forgiveness! Not very useful really.

(plus we really want to know :) )

Original poster

TheInnerSea · 08/02/2013 17:09

You don't need to know and I can't tell you because it will paint me in a very poor light It was something he did and a (very) small amount of money he spent on something he knows I disapprove of, but it was his time and money to do with as he sees fit.

OP posts:

Cassarick · 08/02/2013 17:22

So - he spent a small amount of money on something YOU don't like, he lied because he knew how you'd react, you DID overreact as he predicted, now YOU are angry with HIM? Hmmmmm........

Helpyourself · 08/02/2013 17:27

Depends. If he lied because you're unreasonably controlling over something, then the lying isn't the problem.
Are you sure you're not explaining because that's the case?

Original poster

TheInnerSea · 08/02/2013 17:28

No, I'm not angry with him and I never was about the initial "thing". I was angry that he lied. He is very sorry that he lied, knowing how much it upsets me and is making it up to me. I think he's done enough.

OP posts:

Snorbs · 08/02/2013 17:31

Honestly? If you have explained why lying is such a big deal to you and he's apologised then I'd let it go. Particularly if even you admit you over-reacted.

I think a bigger issue is why he lied over doing something with his time and money if, as you say, he can spend as "he sees fit".

Do you often over-react to his choices? How extreme was your reaction?

Numberlock · 08/02/2013 17:39

Does he have to account for every single penny he spends? Presume it was gambling or some thing similar? As long as it was legal, he's not got a problem with it and he's not got you into debt, why should he not be allowed to do something just because you don't like it?

Flisspaps · 08/02/2013 17:45

But you would have been upset about what he'd done if he told the truth in the first place (as per your OP) so he was damned if he did and damned if he didn't!

Charbon · 08/02/2013 17:58

What your reaction would have been to hearing the truth is neither here nor there. If he had the courage of his convictions to say 'I know how you feel about me spending money on X, or X itself, but I don't agree so I bought it' then that's honest and you're then free to make a judgement about it.

It's never a person's fault if s/he is lied to. But lying is often excused by phantom projections of another person's reaction. The truth is, when someone lies, the other person doesn't have a chance to have a reaction. It's pure projection and it's unhelpful. The reason all of us lie is because we don't want to face the consequences of another person knowing what we've done. But that's our problem - not theirs.

Numberlock · 08/02/2013 18:33

Depends how the OP found out though.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2013 18:43

Depends what it was he lied about, and how you found out, and how many other people know (for me, anyway)

worsestershiresauce · 08/02/2013 18:51

If you react like this over something that was no big deal in the grand scheme of things I'd probably try to get away with a little white lie to try and avoid upsetting you as well..... It's a bit control freakery to expect extended long term grovelling over a minor transgression.

Let it go, your relationship will be better for it.

fluffyraggies · 08/02/2013 19:01

something happened that would have upset me and probably caused a row

It's this which is sticking in my mind from your first post, OP.

He bent the truth to avoid telling me

and

He is very sorry that he lied, knowing how much it upsets me and is making it up to me.

Unless it's something ridiculously trivial, like buying the wrong brand of beans, let him make it up to you. You've had a talk and you both understand, but let him finish this thing by doing his bit.

7to25 · 08/02/2013 19:34

Was it a lottery ticket?

ZenNudist · 08/02/2013 19:40

If its no big deal in the grand scheme of things forget it and move on. Spouses shouldn't have to atone for ages (unless serious transgression: adultery, something criminal). If you say the original misdemeanour paints you in a bad light then I think asking how long you should ask him to be penitent for also comes across as controlling.

Charbon · 08/02/2013 20:14

I'm surprised that some posters feel that it depends on what the lie was about, or the severity of the lie.

A culture of 'small white lies' about one's own behaviour becoming permissible in a relationship, generally leads to permission for bigger, more sinister lies later on. The italics distinguish the difference.

There are lies of diplomacy: 'yes that haircut accentuates your cheekbones' - omitting to mention that it doesn't flatter overall, but would be pointless to say so until it's grown out because right now, it cant be uncut. But this is a lie by omission about the other person's behaviour, getting his/her hair cut.

Lies about one's own behaviour always have a different motive.

I suspect this is about something like buying a packet of cigarettes, when the OP has made her anti-smoking views clear and has in the past, sought to control her partner's smoking. In which case, the OP's partner should have made it very clear if he had no intention of giving up smoking and intended to keep buying them. The same maxim can be applied to lottery tickets or even drugs.

He lied because he didn't want to risk the OP's judgement about him continuing to do something she disapproves of. This is a weak response and has no defence. If having that information would have altered her judgement of him - and even her decisions to stay in the relationship, it is not ethical to keep that information from her. That doesn't mean he has to stop doing what he wants to do, but it does mean he needs to be open about that choice so the OP can make hers with all the information available to her.

flurp · 09/02/2013 11:13

I am the same OP. I can't bear being lied to. I have has similar issues with DP where the lie itself is worse than the thing he lied about!
Ive never understood 'punishing' a partner for a misdemeanor. He shouldn't have to be creeping and grovelling now but he should know that lying is a deal breaker for you and not do it again!

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