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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

He's gone. Can I have some MN handholding please?

23 replies

BesameBesame · 08/02/2013 16:21

I ended it last night. We met online and had the typical whirlwind thing. Just over a year later I'm exhausted and have nothing left to give. He has moved out today but there are still some of his things here.

I feel a bit wretched, sad and upset. But I need to find who I am again.

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 08/02/2013 16:25

Be kind to yourself over the next few days. Pack up his remaining stuff when you feel ready, and decide what you want to do about him getting it back.

Original poster

BesameBesame · 08/02/2013 16:43

Thank you fliss. Actually I am sitting in the silence of my house and for the first time in ages the silence isn't full of tension.

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 08/02/2013 16:46

:) Do you have any plans for this evening (a friend coming over?) or are you just going to sit and 'enjoy' (not sure that's the right word) the tension-free quiet?

Original poster

BesameBesame · 08/02/2013 16:50

Depends on what my DD wants to do. She comes home later and she may want to talk about what's happened. He wasn't her DF but I think she'll want to say some things.

OTOH she may want to do the teenager thing and go out. In which case I have an invite to go out. Or, as you say, I might just sit here and watch crap television without sarky comments.

OP posts:

lowercase · 08/02/2013 17:38

I get in a slump sometimes about my single status...then I read threads like these, and remember the everyday stress of my last relationship and it gets it in perspective.

I won't compromise myself again.

Turn it into a positive, what have you learned from this?

MadameOvary · 08/02/2013 17:41

Well done. Onwards and upwards!

Original poster

BesameBesame · 08/02/2013 18:00

Thank you.

I've learned that I am still strong enough to do what's right by me even though it hurts (a lot right now).

I've learned that no matter how bad I feel today it's not as bad as I felt yesterday (and many days before that).

Hopefully when the mist clears I'll know what else I know now.

OP posts:

Original poster

BesameBesame · 08/02/2013 18:01

Oh crap that was terrible sentence structure

OP posts:

quoteunquote · 08/02/2013 18:06

you sound very positive,

do you have a large tub of ben and jerry's for later?

Chaoscarriesonagain · 08/02/2013 18:10

You know that with the feeling of relief comes the realisation of having done something you had to do, even though it will not be east short term! So well done.

I am glad you're feeling positive. You'll get there, promise. I've had lots of ups and downs, but can honestly say that there comes an inner peace without the background nagging in my head that 'something's not right' and the continual compromise of who I was for someone else's happiness.

You're doing grand, and the future is bright !

Original poster

BesameBesame · 08/02/2013 18:19

No Ben and Jerry's but DD will bring chocolate home.

the continual compromise of who I was for someone else's happiness

that speak volumes to me. If he had been willing to do something to compromise it would have made such a difference. But he wasn't and it cost him a future with me and I am very sad about that. I still feel a lot for him but i was steadily going under.
Not now though.

OP posts:

irrationalme · 08/02/2013 20:41

well done. Listen to your instinct at all times. Its tough I know. I have had mad crazy declarations of absolute love via email. Always look at the Actions not the words.

irrationalme · 08/02/2013 20:51

Besame, I've started a revolution

irrationalme · 08/02/2013 21:24

Its like coming off drugs, get yout emotional integrity set and you will see through any bullshit he comes back with.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/02/2013 21:26

A pedant writes: you're allowed terribly sentence structure when your heart is broken.

Fortunately you have the right sort of DD, the sort who brings chocolate :)

Anniegetyourgun · 08/02/2013 21:27

terrible obviously. (Am I allowed typos in the absence of a broken heart?)

Original poster

BesameBesame · 08/02/2013 22:02

IM thank you, you are an inspiration.

But I don't think I'll be hearing from him. He was an 'all or nothing' type and he detached as soon as he realised I was being totally honest with him.

Annie thankfully I got out before my heart was broken. It's a bit bruised though. .

OP posts:

irrationalme · 09/02/2013 00:23

mines the type that has been back on email with a load of poetic bullshit. I called him on that then got 'the truth' I told him to 'fuck off' and got 'declaration of love' and asking me what am I afraid of, WTF? Nothing I said.

Suddenly there is a deafening silence.

I have resisted the urge to send mail saying Romeo,Romeo........

I think in my subconcious I checked out some while ago as this bullshit I don't believe and it is at odds with his actions which drove me to put him out in the first place, and after only a slightly less than a week I'm feeling better and glad hes not in my bed.

I'll admit I have moments that I need the drug again but I just go with the flow at these times and they pass

Original poster

BesameBesame · 09/02/2013 07:49

Yes, well mine did the "I'm more worried about you than me, Besame, because you're no good on your own".

But i'm the same as you I think. I had checked out emotionally so I didn't rise to any of the hooks or passive aggressive statements.

But he is coming back, probably today, to collect the rest of his stuff. That won't be easy but like you I keep remembering all the reasons why I knew it had to end. So not difficult really, just a bit unpleasant.

And I slept well last night.

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 09/02/2013 08:46

I'm glad you slept well.

And the cheeky bastard "you're no good on your own" - bit of projection there, I think!

Chaoscarriesonagain · 09/02/2013 09:17

Glad it spoke volumes for you OP.

Let's not compromise ourselves again for relationships. True love and relationships do not allow for that, nor do they allow for only one persons happiness!

Stay strong

Oldbird67 · 09/02/2013 13:08

Same here. Just over a year and it ended last Friday. I was constantly on edge hoping that he'd suddenly wanted to take that next step to properly commit. Knew he loved me, but very much on his terms. Tried to be the best girlfriend I could possibly be. It wasn't enough.

I've been fine all week, now giving myself permission to wallow. Gutted, but already know what a relief it is not to have that hanging over me. I'm awesome , but was doubting myself on so many levels.

offers left hand because the other one has a Marlboro light in it

How're you feeling today?

Original poster

BesameBesame · 09/02/2013 14:31

Hi and thanks for checking in.

I am a bit on tenterhooks until he gets here to collect his stuff. It may be this weekend or in the week (there's a back story to that which I won't go into).

I've been out for a long walk and remembering how utterly fantastic it all was this time last year.

Fliss yes I know he projected a lot on to me that was about him. And that's just it really. It was all about him and his needs which came way before mine, so I knew I had to get out before we got to the point where our lives became even more entangled.

I swing between feeling sorry for him and shaking my head in disbelief.

There's no going back though.

OP posts:

Flip