Colleague is nasty and makes me 'shut down'

[TheMagicToyshop]

I need advice on how to deal with a problem I'm having with a work colleague. It's not a huge problem but maybe something others have experienced before and can advise.
Basically I've know this guy for nearly 4 years. Initially we got on well, used to go for the odd drink and have loads of fun together. (he's gay so no flirtation or anything).
Over time I started to realised how odd he is. Way too many things to catalogue here but basically he kind of has multiple personalities - you never know which person is going to turn up. He also has a horrendous online persona which has led to a number of in incidents - him making nasty thinly veiled comments about me on FB then being really unpleasant and personal when I called him on it - him attacking me and my friends over political views on FB. I was in tears over his very personal nasty comments a number of times. Upshot is I cut him off completely as a friend about 9 months ago. Feel much better for this.
However, I still have to see him at work on a semi regular basis. Should say this situation is exacerbated by the fact that he has failed at some aspects of his job and I've had to inform senior people of this which he knows about, I still suspect he's not doing the best job despite formal warnings etc. Anyway there's no love lost on either side.
The thing I want advice on is this - I've noticed myself 'shutting down' every time he's in the room. By this I mean I feel tense and want to make myself invisible. I have not participated in discussions or meetings when he is there, to the point people commented I was quiet afterwards. I'm doing a presentation next week and feel irrationally scared that he will say something - I don't even know why or what I think he will say but I am sick with nerves because of it. I just feel this weird dread type feeling when I walk in a room and he is there.
The kinds of interactions I have with him are more on a collaborative level with colleagues rather than meetings with senior people - so no one I can complain to as such. I feel really annoyed that he has got to me in this way. I feel a bit silly talking about it but really want to make myself get over this, does anyone have any ideas?

Have you a colleague/friend that you can brief with a few questions to ask you at the presentation, then you can concentrate on them and ignore him?

Get there early, suss out where he will be sitting, so that you can avoid unexpected eye contact?

That's a good idea - he is always in the bloody front row and always first to ask a question, but maybe I could ask a few people to arrive early and be speedy with questions and maybe 'not notice' he had his hand up till the end
I feel so stupid telling people how much he gets to me though, it's not like he's overtly nasty. I feel like it makes me come across as a bit pathetic.

I'd suggest going the assertive route and having a few barbed put-downs ready should he 'say something' during your presentation. Fight back....

Yes I do fantasise about the perfect put down regularly, just when I'm faced with him my assertiveness disappears - I feel like I don't want to give him anything to work with.
I feel like when I was bullied at school, except I'm bloody 30!

You don't need a put down because everyone else in the room will know its that, rather have a red herring answer ready, these type of questions always crop up and if you close it down professionally your good to go.

As for the rest, whether its right or wrong to do, people don't like to be ratted out to the boss, I'm sure this factors into his attitude. If its bullying then make the complaint and follow the process, I fear that this would simply make the situation worse.

" I feel like I don't want to give him anything to work with"

How is it going to make it worse if you respond? It's a power struggle at the moment. You can either shrink into your shell and he wins... or you give him a taste of his own medicine and feel better about yourself. Always stand up to bullies.

Yes I think there is still resentment over that and he will be critical to prove a point - I had to report it as I work in higher education and I heard complaints from students about him.

It's complicated as i can't really say he bullied me at work - the nasty comments etc. were all in a friendship capacity. And they are now in the past since I have cut off the friendship.

I think avoidance followed by, if i have to respond, a bland but brief response is the way to go next week.

First thing to realise is this is not a unique situation, this situation is most commonly faced by the ambitious people who are trying to move high at a rapid pace and their colleagues are simply jealous.Your situation is quite different though the same solution will definitely work. Accept that it is not going to be an easy situation and answer him politely in a professional distant manner without being worked up. In these situations, I normally apply a technique where you try to see the bigger picture by imagining a 50 thousand feet high view of the situation and realise this is not going to last for long. You will realise in the bigger picture, he won't appear more than a bugger . HTH!

Just be a little bit careful here...I may get a flaming for this but have experienced something very similar where a colleague, who is gay, was initially a friend, but as their behaviour became more noticeably poor at work they put me, and others, in a very difficult position.

He became very resentful, and tried to split friends and teams with accusations and general stirring. The major theme he developed was that we were homophobic, and any attempt to pull him on his poor work behaviour was always countered with this. One colleague was suspended, later re-instated with no complaints against her, but she was so shattered by this she left , I can't tell you the damage this man caused, (He was eventually sacked when overheard racially abusing a client in a day centre) - just make sure you find ways to minimise contact with this person.

if you think he is targeting you keep a diary and inform your line manager/supervisor that you have concerns about his attitude toward you.

ohdobukup very good advice IMO.

Be polite, pleasant and brief.

Anything else will fuel it, even your thinking.
When you are around him you can focus on this.

It works!

A practical thing about meetings. If they're in the round, sit alongside, but not next to, those you would disagree with/dislike and opposite those you wish to see/attract the attention of.

Thanks so much for the advice, it has put it in perspective a bit. Will come back and update after the dreaded presentation!

Oh and ohdobuckup your story rings eerily true, he definitely has a bit of a victim complex and tries to stir and cause rifts. I definitely want to keep my distance as much as possible.