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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship over.. ex still hanging around and blaming me.

13 replies

junipergin · 08/02/2013 14:09

I have posted before about how my ex has been emotionally abusive and our sex life had been rubbish for years. Anyway before christmas i told him it was over and said he had to get out after xmas. He is still here and although i don't want to force him out (he has no job at the moment), he is blaming me and making me feel guilty. I can understand that it's not 'over' for him but i hate the way he is portraying it all to be my fault... he says he is a decent guy and women always do this to men and separate them from their dc's, whereas bastards (ie cheats) always get to stay, i dont think this is true.

he is unwilling to take any responsibility for why i might not love him anymore (anger management issues, emotional abuse, boring, selfish sex) and keeps saying that i just 'decided' to dump him. He is already jealous of me getting with someone else even though there is no one else on the scene (not likely to be either with him around). I have said that he might be happier with someone else anyway but he says he has no confidence and no one would want him :/

he has blamed me for moving where we moved now (despite it being a joint decsision at the time). He keeps saying it is 'easy' for me, he is the one who will have to find a job, home etc. I may have to aswell tho, it is by no means easy for me or an easy decision to make. The other day he made me feel uncomfortable for what i was wearing, basically saying i looked hot and he wanted to have sex with me. This was apparently supposed to be a compliment but just made me feel guilty that i couldnt and uncomfortable as we have supposedly split up! I felt like i was teasing him so ended up getting changed :( I mean, if it is that hard for him, why is he still here? I do feel bad about him being separated from the dc's, they do love him but they have also noticed the strained atmosphere, it can't be good.

I just feel like he is refusing to let go and making it all out to be my fault. Neither of us can move on but i dont think he wants me to. Sorry this is long, i had to get it off my chest.

OP posts:

Charbon · 08/02/2013 14:16

It's vital that you start to live separately. This is an emotionally abusive man and a couple of things you mentioned in your post make me think you might be in danger if this situation continues.

What's the housing situation? Can you legally require him to go?

If you are not a house owner or the named tenant, is it possible for you to move out?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/02/2013 14:17

You have to make him leave. He's had several weeks to find somewhere to go and it doesn't sound like he's made any effort at all to do that. I think, if you do nothing, he'll be quite content to stick around being bitter and making life miserable rather than moving on of his own accord. Time to toughen up....

Original poster

junipergin · 08/02/2013 14:43

He has talked about moving out recently but i'm not sure he's actually made any headway in seriously looking. The house we are in now is rented from a member of my family, i'm not sure however that i could afford the overheads on my own tho, i could possibly get a lodger in to help with costs if he did move..

I'm wary about going down the legal route/calling police etc as i don't want it to turn nasty and affect the dcs. He hasn't had a bad angry outburst for a while but i feel he is being on his 'best behaviour' so i have no reason to get rid of him.

OP posts:

Charbon · 08/02/2013 14:47

It's already affecting the children.

It's already affecting you.

As the rental agreement whether formal or informal is with you, you must ask him to leave. How he pays for his future accommodation is his own concern. The same applies to you.

Don't live with an abusive man purely to pay the bills. Look to your own resources to do that until he is able to pay his share for the children.

OneMoreGo · 08/02/2013 14:53

You have every reason to get rid of him - your relationship is over and you no longer want him there and have asked him to go. He should just go.

Of course you can get a lodger, you'll be fine. You need to get him out, that is your most pressing concern. Can you see how he is still controlling you and making you tiptoe around him? Who cares if you have to involve the police?! Most people would just leave, if you have to get the heavies in to get him out that says everything about what an unreasonable cunt he is and is nothing to do with you or you being mean. He's really done a number on you, hasn't he?

Original poster

junipergin · 08/02/2013 15:47

Yes you are right One more to Go and others, i need to toughen up. Hard for me as it's not really in my nature. He just said to me that if he had one wish it would be that 'I' could be ok with him again. It's this sort of thing that makes me want him even less, his total refusal to see that he has done anything wrong! In his eyes it is all me, i'm not saying i am blameless but he can't see how he may have caused this atall, it's like he doesnt respect me or take me seriously.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/02/2013 16:02

He really has to go. You don't need any more rationale than 'I don't want you here' and, if you need muscle to get him to take you seriously, call in the big guns. I'm sure it's not been in your nature up to now but being too kind and thoughtful is exactly the thing that manipulative or bullying types take advantage of.

Charmingbaker · 08/02/2013 16:21

Why is he still there?
I had a friend1 in a similar position to you it took friend2, in the opposite position (DH had left her but still under same roof), to help her understand whyt. Friend2 said even though her DH had told her it was over every day they remained in the same house it gave her hope of a reconciliation, after all he hadn't yet physically left her. She Desperatly looked for positive signs, Did he say hello in a friendlier way today? Was that chat about the kids an excuse to start a conversation with her? they needed to physically separate for both parties to move on. My friend1 finally made her DH leave after a nasty incident between them. Your ex needs to leave, it's what is best for both of you

dondon33 · 08/02/2013 19:03

OP - if you throw physically abusive and a down right nutjob - then I could have written your post.
I was in the same situation as you - decided it was over and allowed him time to get himself sorted - except he didn't want to be sorted, he was quite happy sitting in my house, blaming me for it all (oh yeah, thanks! like it was my fault for the blood and bruises) putting me down at any opportunity and continuing to try and control my life. Even though I hated him by this point, I felt like it would be wrong to kick out the father of DC with nowhere to go...... I lasted about a month. It's funny because once he knew I was serious (I gave him a day I wanted him to leave and threatened the police, actually called them for advice in front of him ;)) he had no problem finding somewhere to stay at short notice.
Don't get me wrong that wasn't the end of the problem- he still continued to fuck with my head and even managed to get a flat close by.....he could fucking see my front door but that's a different story.
You need to get him out, for your sake or he will drag you down and make your life hell. If it's over for you - it's over, he doesn't get to choose or control whether to accept it or not.

dondon33 · 08/02/2013 19:04

should say - if you throw in* physically abusive.......

Kernowgal · 08/02/2013 20:57

I could have written your post too. Your ex sounds remarkably similar to mine, and probably a lot of the exes on the EA support threads too.

At the end of the day he's a grown man. So what if he didn't like where you moved to? Nobody forced him. But it gave him something to blame you for, allowing him to continue his lifetime of playing the 'poor me' card. I too worried about where my ex would go, where he would sleep that night, but funnily enough he managed just fine once I finally said I'd had enough and he had to go there and then. My situation was considerably easier to manage than yours because we didn't have kids together, although he had kids from a previous marriage who stayed with us EOW.

Think to the future: think of how you'll no longer have to dread the sound of his key in the door. Your shoulders will lift, your friends will notice that you smile more. You can talk about whatever you want without sneering comments or looks of disdain. You'll probably quickly notice the difference in your kids, too.

HollyBerryBush · 08/02/2013 21:00

He is still here and although i don't want to force him out (he has no job at the moment)

Pack his back and dump him on the housing office doorstep/his mothers/his best mates.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/02/2013 21:16

Of course he doesn't accept that it's over. Because if he did, then he would have to agree to move out, and he doesn't want to. You might find the atmosphere unbearable, but he doesn't, otherwise he wouldn't have been EA to you in the first place; so he's quite happy to stay there as long as you don't force the issue. It could be years. It could be forever (or at least until he meets a woman with a bigger house). So don't wait for him to "get it"!

He says it's your fault, he says he's a decent guy, he says you just decided to dump him... well he would, wouldn't he? That doesn't make it true.

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