Wife doesn't love me anymore, should I stay and fight or give up and move on?

[fairtomiddling2]

I've been married for 13 years and really really love my wife but she recently told me she has realised she has been very unhappy in our relationship, and although she cares for me a lot she no longer has any romantic feelings for me and can't imagine ever having romantic feelings for me again.

Obviously it has been a huge shock and I feel completely and utterly devastated. I can see now that I have made all kinds of mistakes and wasn't doing enough to make her feel loved and appreciated - I have been pretty hopeless around the house and not as supportive as I could have been. At the same time I have also begun to realize just how unhappy I have been myself - she has not shown me any real affection for years, our sex life has been terrible, she never wants to spend any time with me, and at times she seems to have an entirely negative opinion of me. As I said, I am certainly no angel but she cannot seem to appreciate any of my good qualities or recognize any of the things I do do, only find fault in the things I don't.

There are all kinds of other things at play too. We have two small children and she gave up work to look after them but is now bored, lonely and frustrated. (This is something she chose to do and which I supported her in, not something I pushed her into doing.) She says she has lost all sense of who she is, has been unhappy for a long time, and needs space to work out what will make her happy.

As I said, I really really love her and desperately want to try to make things right. I also can't bear the thought of being separated from my kids and can't see how i could ever make the decision to leave myself. At the same time however, she seems so adamant that she won't ever be able to have romantic feelings for me again that I am wondering where on earth I can go from here. It feels selfish, but I have realised that I am no longer prepared to indefinitely stay in what now feels like a loveless marriage.

I know it is still early days and I can't expect miracles over night. But what I'd really like to know is whether there are many women out there who found themselves in similar situations who managed to turn things round. Did you ever fall completely and totally out of love with someone but then get the feelings of love back again when other aspects of your life improved. If I do my best to change the things she doesn't like about me and she turns around the other things in her life that are making her unhappy, might she one day fall back in love with me?

Or is it pointless me trying to rescue a relationship that the other partner seems to have given up on? Would I be better walking away and giving us both the chance to find new people who we might be happier with in the future (even though at the moment I can't see how I can possibly do that)?

I really don't know what to do - I love her so much but just feel completely dejected and like my entire life is indefinitely on hold while she takes time to work out what she needs to make her happy...

:(

Help!

What kinds of mistakes? Is there/has there been someone else?

"She says she has lost all sense of who she is, has been unhappy for a long time, and needs space to work out what will make her happy."

Sorry that things have come to this but I think, if she feels the way you say, you should offer her the space she needs and suggest you separate for a while. When people reach the stage your DW is at, feeling suffocated and unhappy, what doesn't help at all are big promises to change and make amends .... breathing space rather than fixes are needed. Once things have calmed down, you may be able to talk about the future more constructively

Do you have somewhere you could stay for a time?

What does she want to happen now? It's not clear in your OP whether she wants to live separately or whether she expects you to stay with someone who feels this way.

The failsafe strategy in these situations is to withdraw, live separately and move on with your own life. If your wife is ever going to want you back, the only motivation to do so will come when she thinks she has lost you for good. Agree a reasonable co-parenting plan and continue to father the children and maintain your relationship with them.

Often in these situations there is another man on the scene, who might have given your wife the impetus to end your marriage.

Hi,

Thanks for the replies. As far as I am aware there isn't anybody else. And when I said I had made mistakes, it was more along the lines of not working hard enough at the relationship than anything dramatic like an affair.

I'm really not sure what she wants to happen now - I don't think she does either. Part of the problem is that our circumstances are making it hard to give each other more space - we have no spare money so renting somewhere is next to impossible. The house is small so there is no spare room for one of us to move into. But its really hard to see how we can carry on the way we are at the moment...

This situation crops up a lot on this site and most posters always advise accepting the other person's decision to end the relationship and living separately, however it is achieved. It ruins a person's self esteem to continue living with someone who doesn't love them and it's a very bad atmosphere for children.

There might not be anyone else, but unfortunately few people are honest enough to say if there is, so keep an open mind.

Long term, is selling the house and 50-50 residence an option for you? Is there somewhere you could go as a temporary measure - parents or friends?

It's a really good idea to get some legal advice about residence and division of finances. There are some big legal changes happening in family law and knowledge is power.

Ultimately your wife has got the right (like anyone) to end a relationship that isn't making her happy. She doesn't have the right however to continue to benefit from that relationship once it is over. Aim in all this to achieve an amicable co-parenting relationship. Are the children at school yet?

I been with same woman 12 yes it hasn't always been easy she told me she never loved me she needs a new man says I was never good in bed ever she says she never loved me just wanted sex now sex was never good she says we have 8 year old daughter I love my wife very very much

although she cares for me a lot she no longer has any romantic feelings for me and can't imagine ever having romantic feelings for me again.

She wouldn't say this unless she was very certain. From now on your relationship will be a strictly platonic roommate one. I wouldn't hold out hope of that changing.

I'm really not sure what she wants to happen now

She's probably of two minds here. At one level, she wants to continue her current life only without any expressions of romance from you (particularly asking for sex). On another level, she wants you to arrange a separation, and ultimately divorce.

Actually, I think this is really common at this stage in a marriage. A lot of people have an affair at this point, some just swallow their unhappiness and work through it, some, like your wife, confront it.

IMO, she’s being a bit unrealistic to expect “romantic” feelings to last in perpetuity. Love ebbs and flows, evolves and changes over the years. Real life isn't like the books and films and social media.

But she sounds like she’s in a bad place. Having been a SAHM myself I understand what she’s saying about losing her sense of who she is. I only got this back by going back to work, having the independence of earning my own money and feeling properly valued and respected again.

I would strongly recommend Relate and, if she wants, some individual counselling for her. Find the time and money for this - it’s important. This might be rescuable. Good luck.

Guys? 2013?

Ugh another zombie thread you're right.

Hi @fairtomiddling2
I am going through much the same although we have no kids. Just wondering if you guys worked it out?

@freddyf77 this thread is 6 years old! Doubt op will reply, you are better off starting a new thread yourself

ZOMBIE THREAD

Looking for advice...
My partner of 17 years turned things to me 6 weeks ago and said she can't do this anymore , she doesn't love me or fancy me !
She hasn't got any one else !
We have two teenage children ..
I was depressed through lockdown and was the partner I should have been ...
The shock of being kicked out the family home , has kicked me out of depression ..
I love and miss my family dearly and have been working on myself to make positive changes . Is it to late to save the relationship .. over the last 6 weeks I have tried everything . Beging , pleading , buying flowers , doing work on the house I should have done when we was together ..
More I am keeping away for 3 weeks to give her space .. I now know everything I done over the last 6 weeks pushed her future away .. I was in a desperate state and heart broken . That the woman I love and the family I had will never be..
Is all good lost ?

@Maxacers you need to start your own new thread. Very few people will read to the end of an 8 year old zombie thread.

Personally, I say your grand gestures are too little too late. Now that your negative behavior is having consequences for you, you've snapped out of depression? You couldn't do it before when it was hurting your family?

Begging and pleading are not positive changes nor are they romantic gestures. Flowers are a cliche quick fix. Suddenly turning into the partner and parent you should have been all along is not going to erase the past.

I know it's a ZOMBIE THREAD but....

Why do so many men waste what they have, then complain when the woman inevitably decides she's had enough?

Why can't you just be decent and good partners to your wives, instead of selfish and neglectful.

You can't bitch and moan about loving someone you haven't paid any attention to in the last X amount of years.

Also ha! To the 'mistakes'. My exH used to use 'I'm not perfect' as a get out clause for any shitty behaviour up to and including abuse.

Weirdly I left... go figure!

Also quite often women put up with crappy behaviour for literally years before saying enough is enough.

So to the poster saying it was a bit of depression over lockdown was the only reason his wife isn't happy and can't go on, think back over the years, I bet you a fiver your wife has put up with a shit tonne more than you'd like to admit.

Flowers aren't gonna cut it. You need a time machine!

Thank you for your empathy..
You have obviously give through a bad relationship ..
I was wrong and if you have never suffered depression then you may boy emphasize..

I lost a beautiful woman and no longer will see my teenage children grow up as I would, ,if we was a family ....

What is so wrong in wanting to change , admitting my mistakes and wanting to be a family again ?