Very confused about this ....

[namechangingmner]

Regular mner but changed my name for obvious reasons. A good friend of mine came over Tuesday night and we went out. I'm a single parent so dd was with her dad. We had a few drinks and such a laugh. Woke up in the morning in bed with her and then spent yesterday having flashbacks to having slept with her. Until that night I'd not even kissed another woman. Yesterday morning was awkward to say the least. I know my friend is gay. I am straight. Quite frankly, I enjoyed it but it's raised a whole bunch of questions and I don't know the answers to any of them.

She and I spoke last night. She apologised for being so forward but to be honest it wasn't like she came on to me. She may have initiated things but I didn't do anything I didn't want to. She is now going away with some friends for close to 3 weeks. She sent me a text last night after we spoke saying she had a great time and would like to see where things go. I'm so scared. I'm questioning everything I thought I knew about myself. I've had a series of crap relationships with men over the last 5 years and maybe I feel this is emotionally safer.

I just don't know what to do. I never thought I'd be writing this. Obviously there was an attraction (and hell, she's bloody gorgeous) or it would never have happened. I'm so confused.

I think you need to do a lot of thinking about this - you may be genuinely interested in her or it might have just been a drunken spur of the moment thing - when you have had a few drinks and someone finds you attractive it can be too easy to just go with it and enjoy the moment. Before I was with DH I had drunken moments with people I would not have considered when sober! Is this truly something you would enjoy and feel comfortable with in the cold light of day? Have you ever felt attracted to women in the past? You also need to be careful because the person is a good friend. It is a difficult situation but really I think you just need some time to figure out how you really feel about things. Good luck and hope you can work things out.

be careful of the friendship if you want to keep it

Yep, I would be very careful and do a lot of soul searching. You have to think about the practicalities as well, informing parents, children and what effect it will have on them and you.

Good luck

I keep thinking about everything. Maybe even overthinking. I certainly don't feel I can tell any of my RL friends about this for fear of having to "come out". I don't know what to do. I'm not ashamed of what happened but it's the implications that worry me. I cannot imagine ever telling dd's dad that I'm seeing a woman. He would go mental. My friends would probably be shocked by the revelation but I don't think any of them would judge me.

And her and I are such good friends. In the last year I've seen less of her but only because of work commitments and stuff. And even if nothing comes of this thing with her, it's made me question my entire sexuality and that's such a heavy thing.

I can look at a woman and think "wow, she's attractive" but been attracted to women before? Probably not. Am I attracted to my friend? I guess so or I wouldn't have done it. Oh I am such a mess over this. I keep thinking it's easy for her - she's gay. I'm the one going to struggle over the coming weeks until we meet up again.

you can either try to salvage the friendship

tell her "look, no relationship but dont mind being a fuck buddy for a while"

go for a relationship - and its no one elses business least of all your ex.

Give yourself some time. You don't need to rush at anything. These things happen and if you decide to pursue this as a relationship you don't have to come out and tell everyone else.

I think the friendship will remain despite this even if what happened Tuesday never happens again. I don't think I could do the fuck buddy route with her or anyone else. I think that when we meet up after her holiday, with less alcohol involved, we'll be able to talk things through and see where to take things.

In your circumstances and because you are so confused you may want to consider calling the Gay and Lesbian switchboard. They would certainly give you a listening ear, you won't be judged and you could talk to them in complete confidence.

Their helpline number is 020 7837 7324

If it helps I have quite a few friends who have "dabbled" with women. Its been just the occasional very drunk evening when the lines of friendship has become blurred.
All of them are happily with male partners now and put these nights down to nothing more than a curiosity.
I think I am trying to say that I don't think it means that you have suddenly turned into a lesbian just after one drunken night.
Hope this helps

It's not that I feel I've turned into a lesbian after this but it's the fact that it didn't feel wrong. I enjoyed it more than I thought I ever would. So it's making me question my sexuality and that's really big. Maybe the reason I've never had a truly fulfilling relationship with a man is because of this? Maybe not though. I just don't know. We've arranged that she'll come over when she gets back from her holiday for dinner. That involves staying over as she lives about 40 miles away and, of course, we'll have a glass or two of wine. I think I could enjoy being in a relationship with her and she has indicated that she feels the same.

Then I would go for it. You dont' have to come out or declare alleigances (sp?) to one side or the other. Lots of people ( most?) are mixtures of both. If you enjoyed what happened then don't beat yourself up. I wouldn't soul search, I would live for the moment. If it peters out well so be it. If it turns into a great relationship then fantastic. Nothing ventured, nothing gained as they say.

She called last night before she flew out and said she was looking forward to seeing me when she got back and that she'd miss me. I'm still totally confused about this. I never imagined I'd be entertaining the thought of a relationship with a woman but I am and it's quite scary. Challenges everything I thought I knew about myself.

Hi there, it sounds to me like your feelings are quite strong for her. I totally understand your concerns about the wider implications as I've been in a similar situation. I've been married and I met an amazing woman 2 years ago...we instantly clicked and the fact that she was "gay" and "out" proved to accelerate our relationship past friendship really quickly.

We are still together now. I have to be honest, the prospect of "coming out" horrified me...I really have a problem with what other people think, which I suspect is a direct result of my catholic upbringing. My family still don't know, but I don't like to chuck around labels...it really is no-one else's business.

My relationship with my DP is the most deep, honest and caring relationship I have ever been in, and if your feelings are anything like the ones I had, then I would go with that. I guess you're the only one who knows that! I hope things work out for you, and wish you all the best xxx

Kokeshi, thanks for your post. Your situation does sound very similar. I don't want to label what it is either. It's just turned my world upside down. I can't wait for her to get back because I want to know where this is going to lead - if anywhere. I think based on what she's said since Tuesday night that she feels something more than friendship for me. I'm really glad it's worked out for you! Provides some inspiration that the same could happen for me.

A friend of mine spent years lurching from one difficult and unsuccesful heterosexual relationship to another. She then got off with her best (female) friend one drunken night and they are still together now ( 7 years down the line). Neither had any overtly gay inclinations prior to that night, but anyone who knows them can tell they are made for each other...

Your friend sounds like me! It is good to hear that long lasting relationships can come from stuff like this. I don't think we're jeopardising our friendship. I think we're both quite aware that the attraction is there and we need to see how it will play out.

My biggest fear is the whole "coming out" thing because there are some people - work especially - who wouldn't take it well. I guess that's a long way off though since so far it was one drunken night together. But it feels like much more already.

Well, they do say that a friendship is a good basis for a relationship don't they?
I can see why you fear coming out to work colleagues etc but you don't have to cross that bridge for a while... also it might not be as bad as you imagine... the friend I mentioned feared the worst when she came out to her very traditional indian parents. In fact they were remarkably accepting and she has a good relationship with them now.

Give yourself some time. You don't have to do anything immediately. Your friend will understand your feelings, because she may have been through it all herself some time, or at least will know other women who have. I'd also second the advice to call the helpline, they've heard it all before and will give you advice.

It sounds like you want to pursue a relationship with her though. The question of what it says about what you thought was your identity, is almost a different one and you may need her support to work through that, whether or not you get together.

I made a big deal of the coming out thing...terrified I was going to have to revert to bovver boots and a skinhead. Urgh, how naive! Anyway, after a while and some advice (from a gay woman off the telly), I realised that you really don't have to explain yourself...I no longer have the urge to tell people that I meet and generally I don't. I shouldn't have to apologise for my life choices, I'm not harming anyone.

I'm still right at the beginning of this journey, and still have a few obstacles in front of me. But I've been telling those close to me gradually and surprisingly (to me) I've not been overtly rejected as yet!

I think it all sounds really exciting. Just take it as it comes and don't try and look to far into the future! Much love xxx

All very good points. I think she would be supportive of my transition from a straight life into this other life. I have had such a bad time over recent years with bad relationships with men that for this to seem so natural is making me question if this is what I should have been doing since whenever. But I suppose that the path I've taken till now has brought me to here and to her and there's no point speculating too much about what I should have done.

My problem is the thinking too far in the future. I suppose the best thing I can do is put her out of my mind for the next 3 weeks and wait to see what happens when we meet up next time.

lol...my last post reads like Ellen was communcating with me though the TV screen! Actually, I was talking to a woman comic who regularly features in the downmarket tabloids. They often try to sensationalise her sexuality and I was having a conversation with her about it!

Kokeshi, I have no idea who you're talking about but did wonder about the talking through the tv thing!

How would you have felt if you had woke up with a male friend? Are you worried what people might think? I think you should just treat this as the start of a relationship with a friend (male or female) and try and work out if you want to take it further out of curiosity or wanting a relationship etc. and write down everything that worries you about the thought of having this relationship. When you see her again, then you might have got it clearer in your own mind what to do/say etc.
It would be a shame for you to lose your friend over one night, and it sounds as if she doesn't want to lose you either. If she's a true friend, she won't push you into anything you're not ready for or don't want to do. I'd say go for it and see what happens. I have read somewhere that a lot of women have experiences with women after they've had kids/bad relationships, purely cos they've never had the chance when they're younger, and it's normal - you don't have to label yourself as a lesbian. Don't feel bad - enjoy discovering something new about yourself. If people judge you, tell them to eff off - it's your business, not theirs. Hope you sort it out!!