Struggling a bit today - hopefully just a minor set back

[GreenEyedGirlxxx]

Most days Im ok but sometimes I just wake up and feel so sad.

My ex left me for OW a year ago now, we have a 2 year old son. It was all horrendous to be honest and ex was messed up in the head after his business failed, we had a new baby conceived through IVF, I suffered a lot of ill health for a while and was in and out of hospital and he basically ran away from it all.

He's treated me really badly since he went, my head knows I'm so much better off. But yesterday he saw our DS and we got on really well, then this morning he rang for a quick chat and to see how DS is.

When he's hateful to me it's horrible. But when he's nice to me it makes me feel sad all over again that it's turned out like this.

Just feel really tearful and want to ring him but I know that's a stupid idea so thought I'd post here instead.

Sometimes I think I'm just terrified I will never meet anyone else.

When you've been through a very serious trauma a year isn't long at all. So don't feel that you're unusual. I think, if you're serious about moving on, you're going to have to discourage contact and cosy chats. Keep any communications strictly functional and as brief as possible or you'll never be able to detach. How he's behaved towards you is appalling and who cares whether his 'head was messed up'? That is a pretty poor excuse for being unfaithful & walking out on a sick woman, the mother of your new baby. Remind yourself that, whatever else he is, he is NOT your friend.

And what's the rest of your life like? Do you have fun? Time to be yourself? Do you connect with other adults, friends, family? Do you have a fulfilling job or activities that you enjoy doing? With a toddler to take care of things can be quite restrictive and, if you feel you're 'treading water' rather than making a rewarding life for yourself, you will always be looking back to what you've lost rather than forward to what you stand to gain.

Thank you, I really appreciate it and I think sometimes I need a reminder that no matter how nice he may seem , he's not my friend as a friend would never do what he did.

I'm getting my life on track. I'm working in London 3 days a week now. I've got lots of friends - a lot of them with toddlers so I tend to get together with them with my son. I'm trying to have the odd night out. I could possibly do with having an interest/hobby or something aswell.

I guess I just want a switch to flick and for me to just be over it, but life's not quite like that. It's made me realise how much easier it is to get over someone when you never have to see them again.

I think when he's being nice I need to remind myself of all the times he's been horrendous - telling me he only left me because I was such a cow, calling me ugly and saying I'll probably be single forever. I think really I just need some time for my self confidence to come back

It is not only more difficult to move on and get your confidence back when you have to retain some kind of contact but it also gives an nasty, bullying type of man the opportunity to carry on bringing you low. You can do things to minimise contact. Communicating via e-mail only, for example, and limiting contact with your child to pre-set times.

I'd also suggest you look into counselling... something like the Freedom Programme.... because I think, judging by your description of him alternating friendliness with vicious criticism, you have been subjected (and are still being subjected) to emotional abuse.

Thank you. We've now got an agreement in place as to how often he will see DS so little reason to speak at other times. He doesn't have him again until Thursday so I'm looking forward to having a few days break from him to get into a good place again.

I'll have a look at the freedom programme. I'm just starting to realise that I suffered emotional abuse in our relationship. I spent a long time thinking if I was just a better girlfriend he wouldn't have any reason to say those things, must try harder etc. plus I didn't want to face up to the fact that how he treated me wasn't normal as I really wanted us to be 'forever'. Hard to explain but it's taken me a long time to face up to how my relationship was in the end rather than how I wanted it to be and how it used to be.

I'm much further on than I was 6 months ago - it's just going to be a long road to get to feeling ok. And to feel ok on my own rather than wanting to meet someone else so I'm not lonely