Should I go Now or,make a plan?

[jellybrain]

Things have been pretty miserable for a long time, I keep teeling myself we can sort things out but I'm sounding less and less convincing.
Dh is very controlling,I feel undermined by him when dealing with our children and he just seems so angry all the time.
At the moment I am really mad at him on Sunday I had taken a toy from our 5 yr old and told him he couldn't have it back for 24hrs (I know this is mean but he had been warned before it happened and continued to do something which he knew he wasn't to do). Anyway he goes to Dh and tells him. DH storms up the stairs and demands I give it back. I explain my actions very calmly and dh continues to shout at me telling me waht a c*p mother I am and that I have no parenting skills etc. etc. I stay calm (outwardly - inwardly I'm fuming). I ask him to stop shouting 5yr old in the room as is 10 month old. He tells ds to leave the room and again demands to know where the toy is and then WHAM he hits me on the side of the head with the heel of his hand

I am also a Stupid woman, I sit on my fat fanny all the time etc etc. BTW I work fulltime!

Soory about this I know what I should do really but, its so daunting. We have 3 children and the eldest has Asperger so this is going to be really unsettling. Am I just think about me when I consider leaving or is it best for all of us?

It could be best for all of you, but you need a plan if you are sure you want to leave him.

MN will help you formulate one.

He has been violent towards you (is this the first time?) and verbally abusive.

Would he go to Relate or similar or are you determined to leave him?

Has he hit you before?

Hi Jellybrain
If I were you I would plan and then go
I wouldnt stay with anyone with a temper like that or who was violent

FWIW my dh is leaving me, we are in the process of separating - chiefly because he says I am controlling - a point that I disagree with

I reckon I should get him to read your post cos I cant really understand what dh is on about but your dh most definately sounds like a bully

HTH be brave and strong - and leave!

Yes he has been violent before though 'only' about 1/2 doz time in 14 yrs (sounds like I'm trying to justify it!). Its the belittling and total lack of respect I can't live with .
Going back to Sunday, he told me he loved me, I didn't answer, he asked if i still loved him and I said 'No I don't think I do'.

It sounds like it would be best for all of you if you & your H go your seperate ways, but you need to make plans first.
Have you thought about going to see a solicitor to find out your legal rights?
Really sorry you are going through this.

Probably too late now but do you have any bruising/marks from where he hit you? If so, then go to your GP if you can and have it noted as it may come in useful as evidence later, if need be.

You are NOT a stupid woman! My ex used to tell me this frequently and I still suffer from low self esteem as a result, 5 years later. If I was you I would plan and go or at the very least have some time apart to help you decide.

It sounds as if you want to leave him, and you know deep down that it would best if you do, but you realise it's a big step and want to make sure you get it right.
You might also not be sure of how he would react.
Can you make an emergency escape plan in case you need it? Put together a case of clothes and toiletries for you and the children, together with spare car and house keys and originals of important documents (birth certs, passports etc.). Keep this at the house of someone you trust - perhaps your parents or a friend.
When the time comes to leave him you know that you have at least enough to get you started.
You already know that his behaviour is not acceptable, and you know that the only person who can change this is you. You just need to get the strength together to act on it.
HTH.

Go but plan it carefully

If he has not hit you before ( sorry not read all responses) he will again - not selfish - selfless

Good luck x

Please take this piece of advise from someone who knows.... do not wait until you are so demoralised, worn down and lacking in self belief that you have got nothing left to carry you through tough times.

Controling men go mad when you leave them so expect trouble. Plan and go but do not take too long about it. Do not feel guilty, you deserve better, your kids deserve better. Help and support is available to you from lots of sources, find out what they are and make use of all of it.

If you leave and get back control of you life a year from now you could actually be HAPPY.... imagine that!

Go. Plan if you must but plan to go soon. That is no way to live.

As a child who grew up watching my mother be abused by her partner, I can assure you leaving is the absolute best thing you can do for you and your children. It may be difficult and unsettling to begin with, but no child needs to see their mother treated in such a demoralising manner. The thing that eventually motivated my mum to take us all to a Woman's refuge was the thought that when her three daughters grew up they would settle for a life of abuse.. Your children will learn a great deal about relationships through yours - do you think it's acceptable for your sons to become like their father, similarly would you be happy to see your daughter (if you have one) treated in the way you are.

If not, get out. Sooner rather than later. It takes a great deal of bravery BUT it requires similar amounts of bravery and courage to tolerate such abuse.. You have the strength now leave and never look back.

Good luck xxx