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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sex texts - how could he?

20 replies

LilSheepie · 07/02/2013 20:01

Hi. I have never posted on here before and it seems surreal that I am
About to ask total strangers (sorry) for advice.
I have been married for 7 years, and I think we have a good marriage. We have our rows but only the normal kind. He is a good husband and lovely father.
Before we married we had a bad patch where I found out he had been flattered by a girls attentions and texted her and been out for a drink before coming to his senses and ending it. I found out and he was devastated but his approach was to mope around a lot and it was me who had to step up and fight to keep our relationship going.
We have two gorgeous little girls (age 4 and 1) and the last few months he has been a bit grumpy and working very late so we have had no time together as a couple altho some lowly family time at weekends.
I was worried that the long commute was too much for him (we recently moved and it's 2 hours each way). I'm at home with the kids so have been trying to help with nice meals, keeping house tidy etc (sounds pathetic).
Then last month I noticed he was keeping his phone with him all the time which is unusual. I needed to make a call on it while he was driving and before passing it to me he checked his
Messages (whilst at the wheel with the kids in the back!) I was horrified and totally taken aback as he is a really conscientious driver and totally risk adverse.
So (don't judge me for this) on Sunday I looked through his phone and emails. Found a lot of very inappropriate texts and emails including photo message of her in her tacky red undies.
Confronted him and he tried to lie until I said I had seen the messages. He then said it was nothing an just silly as she is in Australia so nothing going on. I am totally devastated. He has admitted to a "couple of months" of this.
I know it isn't physical but it feels like such a betrayal and I have no idea what to do now.
What do I do? I look at my children and how do I rip apart their world? But how do I ever trust him again?
I am in total shock - he is the guy that everyone refers to as so lovely and so kind and such a nice honest bloke. I love him so much and although I'm not perfect (prone to the odd strop!) I think I am an ok wife am a SAHM.
He then went to work for 2 days with no contact then Tues pm (our youngest s 1st birthday) he spoke to me at 10pm was fairly contrite but tried to say that in his head it had all been totally separate from our marriage and until I confronted him he hadn't thought about the significance of it. Hmmmmm. He also (brace yourselves) tried to tell me that he is a good husband because he helps around the house etc! T be fair he does but I'd rather have a slob that actually loved me than an assistant housekeeper who doesn't.
I then asked him to leave while I think about things and he agreed to go to a hotel. A this point he did get very upset and tearful. He couldn't talk to the girls in the morning as he had to be at work for 9 (that commitment obvs more important than our vows). So... He is gone. No contact other than a call last night at half eleven! Text today just saying he loves us.
Feel like my brain is going to explode! What the hell?!! Advice please...?

OP posts:

frustratedworkingmum · 07/02/2013 20:06

What do you want to happen?

Bogeyface · 07/02/2013 20:30

Well if it helps, when my H did this (throughout my pg while rejecting me in all ways), he said that he didnt think of if as an affair, but totally seperate to our marriage.

I asked him how he would feel if I refused sex but got my rocks off on dirty messages with another man. Then he got it. He said that in many ways it was like interactive porn, which I would have believed if I hadnt seen the messages with my own eyes where he was trying to arrange to meet her in a hotel :(

If you believe that it was just confined to text and email and he had no intention of taking it further then perhaps things could be save. Lots of counselling would be the first start and see how you feel as you go into why he did it and if he is prepared to do whatever it takes to make things right again.

Take care. I remember well sitting up at 5 am after the babys feed (she was 5 weeks old when I found out) with his secret phone in my hand, shaking all over as I read the messages :(

Original poster

LilSheepie · 07/02/2013 20:55

Thanks Bogeyface. Am I wrong to be thinking he needs to be stepping up and making the suggestions on how we fix this rather than hiding away from me? (Am honestly not that scary).

As for what do I want to happen - I have no idea. I just go round and round in circles.

Bogeyface did you guys work things out?

OP posts:

MechanicalTheatre · 07/02/2013 21:02

From the beginning, the relationship seems to have been all about what HE needs and wants - when you first discovered he was cheating (and to me going on a date with a woman is cheating) you say - "he was devastated but his approach was to mope around a lot and it was me who had to step up and fight to keep our relationship going".

How is that fair? He cheated but you have to put stuff back together?

He's gone to a hotel and I think that's a positive. You have time to think. He needs to grow up and realise his actions have consequences. The thing is, he already has a wife and kids, so when is he actually going to do that growing up if he hasn't already? And can you be arsed waiting around for him to do it?

MadAboutHotChoc · 07/02/2013 21:05

So sorry

You are right to ask him to give you time and space.

Are you sure she is in Australia and that its never been physical? Has he proved this?

Its bad enough though that he has chosen to cheat on you in this way and seek sexual kicks outside of the marriage.

He has form for this and the fact that it was YOU, not him who fought to save the marriage meant he didn't learn his lesson.

He needs to be the ONE who is taking responsibility for his cheating behaviour - seeking individual counselling, reading books on infidelity, and working his socks off to change his character flaws and helping you recover.

AnyFucker · 07/02/2013 21:08

Fool me once...

Sorry love. Once was bad enough. Twice...now you are the fool.

Original poster

LilSheepie · 07/02/2013 21:11

Thanks ladies.

MechanicalTheatre - apparently they had a fling several years ago (when he was with a previous girlfriend). He says she contacted him out of the blue in November. She is definitely currently in Oz and is also married with kids. In a fit of fury I emailed her (managed to keep it fairly grown up) telling her that I knew and to think about her family. She replied telling me she has known my husband "a very long time and he is a good man who didn't want to hurt me". Yep.

Urgh. Every minute he is doing nothing to save our marriage I feel more desperate and as though it cannot be saved. Am I being stubborn to refuse to take the initiative in counselling etc? Surely he needs to grow a pair and start to try to sort things?? Which in my opinion might have included not going to work the day after I found out and then coming home 10pm that night and then even after I told him to leave, declining to stay for breakfast with the kids because he "has to be at work for 9am"??

Apparently his commitment to his job is far greater than his commitment to his marriage.

Sorry - having an angry moment!

OP posts:

Original poster

LilSheepie · 07/02/2013 21:12

God AnyFucker now I feel even worse

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 07/02/2013 21:14

Tell your deceitful husband that.

MechanicalTheatre · 07/02/2013 21:15

he cheats on you
he is more committed to his job than his family
he puts all the onus on you to save the relationship

What are his good points exactly?

AnyFucker · 07/02/2013 21:19

Lil, I think you need to seek individual counselling, not couples counselling

To find out why your bar is set so very low in what you are prepared to accept in a relationship.

Original poster

LilSheepie · 07/02/2013 21:21

Before this I would have said
Kind
Honest
Considerate

Now I read that list and just think that all still applies in how he treats everyone else. Just not me.

In practical terms he is appreciative of what I do, he pulls his weight around the house, he makes me laugh, he is a good father.

I can't believe this has happened. This is not how it is supposed to be. I thought we were happy. I thought I made him happy.

OP posts:

practicality · 07/02/2013 21:21

You need to step right back from this. He needs time to reflect on what he has done. As do you.

Wait for it to come from him this time. Don't try to hurry the process along due to your own heightened emotions.

He needs to feel he really is at serious risk of losing you.

NishiNoUsagi · 07/02/2013 21:24

What a shit he is You are completely right in feeling angry, and completely right to think he needs to grow a pair and sort things.

You said in your op that everyone thinks he's a lovely bloke etc - it doesn't matter how he appears to others, it's how he treats you that matters. And he's not treating you well at all..

practicality · 07/02/2013 21:26

You can't 'make' someone happy. Think about the control issues here.

As hard as this is goingto be you have to give the impression that you couldn't give a fig about him.

All contact comes from him. Be busy when he wants to talk. When he starts to talk about how he feels tell him you are concentrating on your own feelings about the situation for now.

Let him know what it is to be without you by complete withdrawal. See how he likes that.

MadAboutHotChoc · 07/02/2013 21:26

Don't blame yourself. He CHOSE to cheat because of his own issues and flaws - for some reason something in him justified seeking these ego strokes and cheap thrills.

startlife · 07/02/2013 21:36

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Her response seems to imply he has spoken about you to her. As painful as this is, I think you need to consider that he's emotionally involved with this woman.

You have done the right thing - he should be fighting for your relationship but he doesn't seem very motivated. You can't save this relationship on your own. If you love someone you don't betray/lie to them.

MechanicalTheatre · 07/02/2013 21:48

I would say for now that you follow practicality 's advice. Not to try to win him back, but to get your own head around what's happening.

He does not sound like an honest or considerate man, because honest considerate people don't cheat and lie.

ZenNudist · 07/02/2013 23:07

Wanted to add my support. You sound very level headed and like you are making good decisions at this difficult time. You've brought the problem to light and are being firm that you won't tolerate it. Having him out of the house gives you headspace to think and he can see what he's missing.

What about getting couples counselling? ATM he doesn't seem to be taking much responsibility for his actions. It's funny how some men can do some incredibly shitty things to their wives and dc and still maintain the fiction if being "a good guy".

Bogeyface · 08/02/2013 01:23

PM'd you

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