Being a happy, fulfilled person in a not so great relationship.

[MillieMummy]

DP and I married for 13 yrs with 2 kids under 10. It's not a good marriage but it's not terrible - he is a good dad and does more than his fair share.

We tried counselling a couple of years ago, it helped with communication but I am starting to think that the issues are not resolvable. DP is a cold person, I don't feel wanted in all senses of the word.

So, can I stay here 'unsatisfactorily' married and be a good parent and a happy person if I can be 'fulfilled' through work/kids/friends or am I in denial?

I want to know too!

Ha, so I am not alone. Do you think you can hang on in there FF? Some days I think I can manage and others I want to run for it.

Snap. Often I change my mind several times a day! At the moment I'm giving it time, hanging on to see if I feel any better. Trying to see friends more, make a more interesting career, looking for fulfilment. What I really want is hugs, lots of them!

I think You could for a while but now the rationalisation process has begun so you're at the begining of the end here. There is a chink in your denial and that's obvious because you're questioning what you believed up til now.

I'd ask you why a happy, fulfilled person would feel obliged to stay in a relationship that wasn't meeting their needs. Is it possible to feel fulfilled while having a poor self-esteem?

(I'm not judging by the way, I should have left my x years before I did. And after I left him, and after a bit of psychotherapy I realised why I'd stayed)

I also recognise the conscious train of thought there to compartmentalise your life. "Ok, so this (huge) part is not good but I am going to count my other blessings, I'm a happy person, I can box this off"

I think you can enjoy your job and your children and your friends but eventually maybe you might end up feeling quite disconnected from the people who WERE your consolation. Does that make sense? My relationship was a lot worse than yours btw. But I recognise your train of thought.

Another one here. But, brace yourselves, my DP actually changed, he really is trying and succeding at not being so grumpy and doing more with me and DD. This was after long long months of me being unhappy and eventually telling him I was leaving. I also told him that I didnt have the same feelings, so even tho he has changed my feelings are not the same for him. So I am just being grateful and trying to enjoy life as it is...
Sorry the hijack of thread but really interested on the answers!

It's not difficult to be self-motivating, sociable, positive, optimistic, etc and find satisfaction and fulfillment in life when you're able to order it as you want it to be, but it's nigh on impossible to maintain this state of contented bliss when living in an intimate relationship with someone who is the opposite, or who doesn't articulate what you mean to them or how much they appreciate the ways in which you enhance their life - albeit this doesn't have to be on a gushing or daily basis.

As I see it, it's not so much a question of denial as one of how willing you are to be treated as if you're part of the furniture or another labour saving device that smooths his path through life, and how long you're willing to tolerate this state of affairs which is sucking joy out of your life and diminishing its potential.

Frankly, I wouldn't find it sustainable for very long as I'd be mindful of how much happier I'd be going it alone than living with a cold fish.

But I'm unlikely to become involved with man such as you describe your h, which makes me ask whether he's always been this way and, if so, why did you marry him?

Mabe you would be more happy and fullfilled as a single person? Not necessarily but tbh shit relationships have dragged me down far more than being single has. OP: you deserve better.

Mabe the relationship is preventing fullfillment?

Is this really the relationship model you would want your children to likely emulate as adults?.

What do you want to teach them about relationships, what are you both teaching them about relationships currently?. Those two thorny questions certainly warrant much consideration.

What do you get from this relationship now?. What is keeping you within this?.

Forget the fact that he is supposedly a good dad for a minute; what do YOU (yes you) think and feel about him when you are with him?. Children should not be used as the glue to bind you two together; one day these children will leave home and what then for you?.

BTW many women in poor relationships often write the "good dad" comment when they themselves have NOTHING positive to say about their man. Your initial post states nothing positive about him in relation to how he is with you does it?.

And if you were to think the children do not notice that their parents are having serious marital problems, you would be seriously mistaken.

You don't feel wanted in all senses of the word

I think this may be damaging your self esteem in ways you don't even realise because it's operates at a constant low background level. It won't be until you are out of the relationship that you will become aware that other men do (want you) and of what you have cut out of your life - you are basically staying in a relationship where you are being rejected daily so how can you be really fulfilled?

Flipping, I asked myself the same questions. How happy is it reasonable to expect to be? Do my needs have to be met by a partner?

But the bottom line for me was that in the end I felt lonely with him. I think I needed my female friendships more than my female friends needed my friendship. And that's not because they were fairweather friends. But they would go home and chat to their husbands, laugh, enjoy each other's company.

I felt a lot LESS alone when I was on my own. So staying with a man you don't leave (even if you can meet a lot of your needs through friends/family) creates a void.

No offence meant but I had you down as something of an airhead superstar, and here you are showing great insight and giving wise counsel

Well done you - I'm guessing you've been taking on board what you've read on this site and are looking to avoid any more shit relationships by placing a high value on yourself.

Firstly, thank you all for the responses.
Izzyizin - he wasn't like that when we got together. We've been together for 17 years and the change has been gradual.
Attila - the impact on the children is something I am concerned about. It's only just hit me that this could be damaging to them.
Some of the things others have said about feeling alone with someone ring so true, but FF's post about 'least worst option' also makes sense.
I think a fair thing would be to talk to him and see if he would consider counselling for himself (there's background which I think leads to him thinking that this is how a relationship should be) and take it from there.

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied as the French proverb says.

Any type of ill treatment in a relationship is insidious in its onset; I was not at all surprised to see that he was not like this when you met him. People are always on their best behaviour. If you were to look back, when did you really start seeing cracks in his behaviour and treatment towards you?.

You did not answer what you get from this relationship now which suggests an awful lot as well.

Staying with him may be the "least bad" option for the time being but how long would that period of time be?. Its not a good option at all for you or your children because they pick up on all this. You really do not want your children to turn around to you as adults and ask you why you put him before them. Years do pass by and you only get one shot at this life after all.

I think he will dismiss counselling but I hope I am wrong there. He is responsible for his own past and issues; you cannot and must not take ownership of those. His fixed ideas on relationships came from somewhere, his own parents most likely.

People learn about relationships first and foremost from parents; what did you both learn from your own childhoods and what do you want to teach your children about relationships now?. You are both currently teaching them damaging lessons. He seems to be particularly harmed by his experiences but again you cannot fix or help him if he does not want to be helped. He was never your project to rescue and or save.

What do you feel emotionally when you see him?.

Where do you see yourself in a year's time - stil together?.

Good luck with your talk MillieMummy, hope you can agree a positive way forward.
I've been thinking about this thread all day and think the consensus is right - it isn't likely to end happily ever after. Our marriage guidance counsellor said to me that if I am miserable we should split up. But the thing is, I'm not miserable. There is enough (barely) in my relationship to keep going for now.
I worry about the children learning relationship ideals from us too. Very tricky to model an equal, loving relationship with an h who has dodgy ideas about relationships himself.
Did you find after counselling your h was less cold towards you? Just wondering if the effects of counselling were short lived... We finished counselling a few months ago, and things are so much better than before, but keep feeling like it may not last.

Sorry for slow response.
I think some of the lessons learned have stayed with us, we know how to communicate now, but some not.
Life has taken over at the moment, DP has a poorly parent and upcoming job interview so for now I feel I need to sit back and wait.
Attila's post made me think - mostly positive if I'm honest.