SIL having an affair.

[supergirl123]

I just recently found out that Dh's brothers wife is having an affair.

If I am honest I am not too sure why I'm posting this, just need somewhere to vent!

Dh's brother (let's call him Dave) is living in another country with his wife (lets's call her X). They live in her home town with their 2 dc's. He is very much in love with her and she told him this week that she in is love with a man she works with. Apparently it has been going on for around 2/3 months.

She is leaving Dave and her children to go and set up home with the other man. He has also left his wife and kids.

I suppose my question is-Is this rational?A mid-life crisis?Has she lost her sense of reason? I can't begin to understand her logic.

We spent Christmas visiting them and I keep replaying all our conversations/good times/days out and can not reconcile in my head that the whole time we were there she was in the throes of an affair. She deserves a bloody Oscar!

I feel so bad for Dave, he truly loves her and gave up alot to move to be with her. Now she no longer wants him and he is living in a country very far from home with few friends and no family to support him.The children are young so he will have to stay there for many years to come.

I can't understand how she can just walk away from her family. How will her kids react when they realise their Mum left them to be with a man she knows for a few months?

Sorry if this in slightly incoherent. My mind is churning over this.Worried about Dave and the children and being so far away is very frustrating!

No-one knows what really goes on in a marriage.... not even the people in it half the time .... so I'm sure it all seemed quite normal at Christmas. I'm equally sure she thinks she knows what she's doing. As my friend likes to say 'when your fanny's on fire, your brains go out of the window'. Dave is probably in a state of shock and the best way to support him is to encourage him to look out for #1 and the DCs. Being in a foreign country complicates things and I would be urging him to seek legal advice.

How will the children react? Rather depends on how old they are and how their parents handle things and organise shared parenting. Fathers leave families all the time and still manage to carry on having positive relationships with their children.

This is one of the reasons why I advise families thinking of moving abroad to what is the home country of only one of the couple, to do so only if the family law in that country is equitable to both parents and it's a country that all family members will want to stay in if the worst happens.

Is he asking for your advice?

If so, give him a combination of practical, as well as emotional support.

Is there a societal default in that country that when a relationship ends, the children's residence is with the mother? Is shared parenting an option for Dave? Is the family home owned or rented? What will happen about shared assets? Encourage him to get some good legal advice about his position.

Emotionally, he is probably in shock and will need a great deal of support. Can you visit him for a short while, or suggest that he comes back home and stays with you for a break?

If your SIL's affair has really been going on for only 2-3 months, a decision taken at this speed is unlikely to be rational or sustainable. This however relates to her decision to set up home with her lover, rather than her decision to leave her marriage. It's possible she was unhappy for a long time and the decision to leave is not sudden, but the decision to pin a future on a relationship of only a few weeks' standing is illogical. Though she might be lying about how long this affair has been going on.

Regarding her behaviour when you spent time with them, remember that to sustain an affair people involved in them have to become accomplished liars. If they are able to deceive the people they live with, it's relatively easy to put on a front for visiting guests.

Dave is best advised to give the appearance of getting on with his life and that he's excited about the opportunities of being a single parent. However he needs to fight his corner and insist that the children's rights to spend time with him are upheld - and he should fight to protect his share of any assets.

Hi, firstly thanks so much for the replies.

Just getting it down helps , dh is home from work and is so upset. he and his brother are beyond close. We see dave and his family alot and are on skype several times a week. I think I need to help dh to see things a bit clearer in order for him to support Dave. Dh is in a rage about it and will be talking to dave later tonight.

Think Dave is in utter shock at the moment.X is planning on leaving the family home (they own). She is not taking the children and has not expressed any desire to do so. I think thats what I find the most upsetting and where my thinking she is acting irrationally comes from.

It's like she thinks she can just leave her kids and Dave and walk into a fairytale relationship.

I have always liked and gotten on great with X and bear her no ill will as there must be something serious going on in her life for her to make a decision like this.

Arrr! Just so worried about them all.

I really wish Dh could go over to support Dave but as he just started a new job he cant get holiday time! We are hoping that Dave will come home for a break and will give him a loan etc... if he needs it.

Dave has agreed to ' keep it quiet' until such a time that X is ready to move out. So nobody knows yet apart from Dh and I.

Dh is hoping to urge Dave to tell their siblings and Mum so he will have a bit more support.

The kids are young (under 9) and Dave is adamant about keeping things amicable for their sake. Dh and Dave came from a very tough childhood ( abusive dad) which adds to Daves need to keep everything calm at the minute.

Thanks agin for the repies I know the op is a bit all over the shop without really asking any thing in particular!!

Also meant to add, I find it very hard to believe this has only been going on for a few months!

As long as you'd take an equally dim view of a man walking out and failing to agree residence issues for his children, you know you're being fair and not viewing your SIL any more harshly because she's a woman and a mother.

It sounds like Dave is putting the children's needs first which is the right thing to do. But they will need to spend time with their mother and although she might not appear to want that just yet, he should continue to fight for his children's rights to mothering - just as I hope the OM's wife will fight for her childen's right to fathering.

Both of them (Dave and the OM's wife) will also need a break and to resolve the unfairness of being left 'holding the babies'. You can walk out of a romantic relationship, but not a parenting one.

supergirl there are unfortunately quite a few live threads at the moment on Relationships where men have walked out or have ended a marriage and the advice to the women posters left with children to raise alone, is no different to the advice I'd give a man in the same circumstances. Might be worth having a look at those threads too.