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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Separation but still coming home

20 replies

Girl30 · 07/02/2013 14:29

Hi, My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for 8. We have two children under 4. Last week my husband announced we arent working as a couple and need to separate. He feels we have grown apart and are more friends than anything else. I am in shock, still love him and would do anything to work through this. He says it's too late and wont consider counselling, he doesnt see the point.

As he seems to still care for me and love his children he is wanting to come round most days to help bath and put them to bed but then once they are asleep he leaves again. Im now in emotional turmoil, I still love him and dont want to separate, all is fine around the children and we still talk and yet he doesnt want to be with me anymore. Can we sustain him coming to help every night?

How am I to move on, he keeps telling me he cannot try to make our marriage work.

I know this is all very new and early stages of separating. I dont know what to do next for the best..Help!

OP posts:

meditrina · 07/02/2013 14:38

This doesn't sound productive of a solution.

If you want to reconcile, these terms aren't going to advance your cause. Yes, your children need to see plenty of their father, but having him drop in when he feels like it isn't the answer. I think you need to work out an access schedule that suits you; perhaps his taking them a couple of evenings a week and every other weekend? Give him a deadline for finding a property where he can do this without disrupting their home life by being there but not being there. If he is at all likely to be motivated by the realisation of potential loss, this is the way to bring that realisation closer.

MadAboutHotChoc · 07/02/2013 14:40

He has chosen to check out of the marriage (probably cos he is living with OW). The house is now YOUR home, not his.

He needs to see the DC away from your space.

MadAboutHotChoc · 07/02/2013 14:44

Just re read your OP, I am sorry if you didn't suspect there is someone else...

He is messing with your head and confusing the DC by coming and going so you need to insist on boundaries.

CartedOff · 07/02/2013 14:44

The best thing is to start establishing boundaries and formal access arrangements. As nice as it may be for him to come and go as it suits him it will be very distressing for you and it's cruel for you to have to put up with him wondering into the house whenever he wants. There needs to be a schedule.

He can't have it both ways.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/02/2013 14:48

Agree with others that this half-way house situation is not good for you or the children. If you are separated then he lives elsewhere, not living a bachelor life during the day and weekends but playing happy families in your house in the evening..... you can't move on emotionally if he's always around.

Ask him to stay away for at least a week. Get your head together, get some advice and work out what's going to be best for you.

Original poster

Girl30 · 07/02/2013 14:49

Thanks for messages. He definitely has feelings for someone else (work Colleague) but not sure how far it has gone, he swears kissing only. As this only happened last week and turned my world upside down dont know where to start with practical long term decisions. Want him to come back and maybe like you say arranging access so he cant just come and go is the way forward and he may realise what he is potentially losing.

OP posts:

MadAboutHotChoc · 07/02/2013 14:58

Where is he living now?

To have made the decision to walk out, it is probably a lot more than kissing - they always lie and minimise (it was only a kiss, we only did it once etc)

Yes, he needs to feel loss if he is to be motivated to come back. You need to focus on rebuilding your life with friends, hobbies, work/training etc.

Original poster

Girl30 · 07/02/2013 15:02

Not 'living' anywhere. I went away for a few days so he was here. Now im back so had a couple of nights on sofa and currently as his parents. I do need to this about me, currently just managing two toddlers all day, waiting for his evening return, then left on my own again :(

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/02/2013 15:05

Tell himto stay at his parents for at least the next week. He can see the children the following weekend. You will actually find it easier to manage the children solo if you have to do it all the time and it becomes your routine. They can go to granny's house to be with him....

Original poster

Girl30 · 07/02/2013 15:06

Hard to hear but good advice :)

OP posts:

Charbon · 07/02/2013 15:09

I have never known a man to leave a relationship with children, after just a few kisses. So it might help your anger to come through if you accept that he has been having an affair and deceiving you for a long time. Remember, he's had a long time to plan this - you are still reeling in shock and catching up.

You should immediately stop him coming to the house. It messes with children's heads and it's not his home any more. Agree when he will see the children and insist its on his own premises or at a suitable venue; anywhere but the family home.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/02/2013 15:11

You're in emotional turmoil now because, by his actions, he's holding out false hopes. Being around but withdrawing affection. Being nice to the kids but doesn't love you any more. Putting the kids to bed, leaving you to it and then going off with his new girlfriend... etc. Things have changed and it's important that those changes, however painful, are reflected in your household set-up. This is exclusively your and the DCs' home now... not his. Good luck

Jux · 07/02/2013 15:45

Cogito is right. You will never find peace and clarity, but will continue in confusion and turmoil (as will your children) until this separation is an actual separation, rather than him having his cake and eating it.

NormaStanleyFletcher · 07/02/2013 15:52

I agree with the others.

You must make him see that he has made a decision to leave your family, and as such it is now YOUR home. You may want to have male friends round

He can see the children, at his place of abode, not in YOUR home that HE has chosen to leave, and now is pretending to live in part time.

Original poster

Girl30 · 07/02/2013 16:18

Thanks again, lots to think about.

OP posts:

akaemmafrost · 07/02/2013 16:26

Knob .

Got the best of both worlds right now doesn't he? Bet he's feeling pretty good about himself too ie "well I had to leave because feelings were gone but I AM STILL THERE FOR MY KIDS!" Pats on the back all round.

As everyone else has said he needs to see what he is losing and confronted with the reality that arsehole men who run off with other women and leave behind wives and kids don't get to call the shots.

mammadiggingdeep · 07/02/2013 16:37

From personal experience I'd advise to put a stop to the every night, pop in when you fancy it arrangement. He's not only seeing the children but also seeing you, he hasn't had the cold, hard reality of being without you and feeling that loss yet has he?? He's easing himself out of his current life, nice and slowly. Might not be so attractive to him when he realises he can't play daddy every night and you won't always be there for him to drop on in whenever he likes.

Ive been there- waiting for the key in the door after a day of being left 'holding the baby', an hour or two later crying when he went again. As painful as it is, it's SO much easier to deal with when its not all on their terms like this.

Good luck, big hug x

dondon33 · 07/02/2013 19:16

I didn't split from my ex in the same circs as yours Girl but just wanted to say -
R.E - letting him come and go as he fucking well pleases to see the kids DOESN'T work. I thought I should do that for my DC, exH lived very close, our boys enjoyed it if he came for tea etc... but it almost drove me insane.
He used this time (under the disguise of seeing the kids) as a way to further control my life and dictate to me, it was like living in a goldfish bowl, if I tried to leave as he entered I'd get 20 questions, he quizzed me about new housey stuff I'd been buying (WTF?) and a whole heap of other shite.
I had to put a stop to it after I'd allowed him access one xmas morning (from fecking 6am after refusing to let him stay the night before) and said through gritted teeth he could stay all day, for lunch etc... I had about 15 members of my family too and he decided to start a huge argument with me while I was washing the dishes - long story short - I snapped, kicked him out and never let him back in my house.

Lueji · 07/02/2013 19:22

So, he wants his freedom, but still be that nice man who is with the children.

I agree that he either leaves or stays. And takes the children with him.

kalidanger · 07/02/2013 19:29

This isn't really how it works, OP. He checked out of your marriage. So that means he leaves it physically. He's (probably) seeing an OW. So, your marriage is over, but the ways he's acting, and being enabled to act, is like his is not. He's got both - a wife and a girlfriend.

You have to get some advice from a solicitor about officialky seperating, contact and the finances etc. sounds like he's trying v hard to be civilised but it wont last.

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