Dealing with my dad ... (sorry long)

[MagicLlama]

Im just fed up and I could do with some advice about how to extract myself from the situation I am in with my dad.

He lives with me in my house, which is the old family home, and he I think still thinks of it as "his".

I had a breakdown following hassle and abuse from Ex and my dad was brilliant. An absolute rock, he took over managing the house, took of the practicalities of the DSs as I had panic attacks leaving the house. He supported me when I decided to pack in my highly stressful / well paid job to become self employed, and the massive cut in salary that entailed.

However, he helps himself to my money when he feels like, hes emotionally manipulative, and any mention of anything about changing the way things have become (which I am really unhappy with) he goes off on one, about how hes been there for me, and hes not in good health, and hell move all his stuff into one room or go live in a caravan or something.

Hes now getting a pension and has arranged to have it paid into my account, meaning he now feels even more so that he can help himself to the card / money and its just getting me down. I went to work yesterday for a client, got paid in cash at the end of the day, and just now hes asked me for the money because hes got to pay for the car.

Now dont get me wrong, the car needs paying for, but its the assumption. Its the assumption that everything I have / own is for him to decide what to do with. Hes "borrowed" another £200 out of MY savings account, despite promising never to do so again. I wont get it back and its not worth the stress, because any conversation with him invariably turns into me feeling like shit. I cant talk to my mum about it, because she feels guilty that its her fault im like this with dad, because of their history when she left him.

I feel like I did when in hte abusive relationship with my Ex, but feel guilty for feeling like that because its my dad iyswim?

I suppose what I want to do, is put into place some plans to separate our stuff, and slowly get control of my own life back. So some practical help about what I can / should do to get in a position, as when I finally get the courage to tell him I don't want him living with me anymore, I would like to be in a position to remove him asap rather than have loads of hassle dealing with loads of issues.

Have you posted about this before? It sounds very familiar to me. What have you done to follow through on the advice given to you previously?

I'd start with the money - does he have his own account? He should have his pension paid into that, not yours, and HIDE YOUR CARD! Keep it in your pants if you have to, just make sure he has no access to your account or your savings! And stick to this. He has no right to your money, you need to put yourself and dcs first.

Have you bought your old family home? Are you under an obligation to keep your dad there?

DIY I have posted about him taking money before yes.

What did I do?
I rowed spoke to him about it, I changed my PIN and put my card in my wallet and started taking it with me everywhere. I suppose the real problem lies in me, and my inability to deal with him and the guilt he brings up in me. I just do what he asks and then silently rage about it internally.

Ive had a number of counselling sessions, which at least have allowed me to identify the issues I have, but I seem to be making very little progress in dealing with them if that makes sense.

Flipping Yes I brought the family home, mum divorced him and he was made bankrupt and I brought out his half, as I was the only one he trusted not to throw him out (well thats what he told me at the time anyway). I didnt live at home at the time at was renting with friends, so dad carried on living there, and he paid the mortgage. Shortly after that bro secured a loan on the house, which long story he fucked up on. I then discovered I was pregnant, ex tried to beat the baby out of me, and I decided to move away. Dad had a breakdown, and instead I moved into the family home, and dad went into hospital. When he came out he came to live with me, and weve been muddling along ever since.

He doesnt have his own account no, but thats because he just cant be arsed to sort it out. He has one of those britannia pass book accounts, but he says thats no good for his pension because its not got a debit card or online banking.

I have no legal obligation to keep him here, only morally I suppose.

I think, no I know, my problem lies in my ability to deal with the pressure he puts on me, and my "need" to look after him. I know what that is rooted in, and thats what im trying to sort out with my counsellor, but I was grasping at straws asking to see if there is anything practical I can do to start to separate us, so that we are two individual adults, rather than the combined pair dad seems to view us as.

I understand how you feel, just on a smaller scale. I think the best thing is one step at a time. Help him to open a bank account which renders his excuse void. You can apply online, and he doesn't even have to leave the house.
Next, is he at home a lot / all the time? He needs encouragement to be independent and live his own life.
Last, either sit him down when all is calm, or write him a letter. Explain that you feel you need to stand on your own two feet, and so does he. Is rent expensive in your area? Do you want him out, or just to disentangle your life from his?