We aren't friends anymore

[frustratedworkingmum]

DP and I have been together 20 years. He is lovely, kind, sexy (well i think so) an amazing dad and we have been through a lot of crap together. I love him. He isn't perfect but im not going to list his faults.

I was at work today (im new, struggling and very stressed in my job) but im getting there and the people I work with are nice. I heard, not overheard as it wasn't a private conversation that my colleague was having with her DH and It really jarred me. I thought she was on the phone to a friend - well, of course she was!!! I mean, she was asking him questions (like you do, about the kids etc - his day off so he was at home with them) but they were laughing and joking with each other FFS!! I mean, actually laughing :(

Fuck - how did this happen? Our phone calls, even though i guess i call him alot are about "stuff" or when he will be home, how his work is (self employed and often need to "encourage" him), who will pick our DD up. Conversations will be about work (me moaning about mine) or his lack of it (going thoruh a sparse phase) But no gossip about anything, no watching TV together (he puts DD to bed, falls asleep on her bed more often than not).

Yeah, i know that the passion goes (although i never thoguht ours would, people woudl comment on it, but the stresses of the last five or so years have taken that away i think) but isn't that supposed to be replaced with friendship and companionship.

Im not sure i enjoy his company anyway - but i still love him - WTF??

So on the strength of someone else's oveheard phone call , you're questioning your marrriage?

Im so lonely and i can't even strike up a conversation on here :(

Of course not bossy, if things were good it woudlnt have even registered

I think you need to try and get some time together. Can you get a babysitter so that you can go out for a meal, or a drink - some time just to sit and chat and remember what you liked about each other? It is hard at times not to get overwhelmed by the day to day crap and suddenly realise that you don't just have fun and a giggle together anymore. Perhaps at a weekend when he is less tired suggest that you share a bottle of wine and turn the TV off and just talk about what you would like to do together in the future?

That all sounds nice sowornout - but it wont happen. My mum can't babysit anymore as she just can't cope with DD,DD never goes to bed early enough for us to go out (shes 7 and its an issue but DP does bedtime and ive tried to change this routine but i can't). I need a friend, someone to moan about work to without it turning into a row because he has had enough of my whinging about stuff. He supported me through PND and it sort of trashed his patience. If i cry he gets cross with me rather than comforts me. I cry alot.

My ex used to get cross with me when I was upset, when my father died, or my pets were ill. He'd be infuriated with me if I were ill.
I thought it was his way of expressing how worried he was about me. It wasn't - it was his way of expressing anger when I wasn't able to service his needs.
If you are lonely and unhappy, do something about it.

Tell him.

Did you ever have that friendly spark with him?

Yes Cailin, we absolutely did, and it was so so good :( Which is what makes how it is now so very sad really.

Lovespeace, he is exactly the same "oh your not blubbing again are you" or "here we go again" sort of comments. But to be fair, its not for the reason you say - i daresay there is one though and it may well be just doesn't really love me anymore.

"best friends" we were, never needed anyone else, did everything together - soul mates, the whole puke making shibang now we hardly say too words to each other that aren't out of necessity. Please dont tell me to leave, i love him and i could never love anyone else.

maybe you should widen your friendships, so that you have more of a network rather than just one person? it sounds quite claustrophobic

I have done just that ninah, he doesn't seem to need friends

Surely your mum is not the only babysitting option? If your daughter won't go to bed early find a babysitter who can cope. She's seven, I'm sure she can handle it - I have two like that and I just wave goodbye with a grin.

It's interesting that you are looking for him to be 'a friend, someone to moan at' rather than 'a friend to hang out and have a laugh with'. Might you still be depressed?

Im not sure i enjoy his company anyway - but i still love him.

Now we hardly say two words to each other that aren't out of necessity. Please dont tell me to leave, i love him and i could never love anyone else.

Oh dear, OP. Can you go away for a weekend with DH (with or without DD) and just relax a bit? Or can you find a babysitter (eg teenage child of colleague, or neighbour or something) and go out for an evening with your DH? Your DD at 7 can be left awake with a babysitter who will then put her to bed.

I think you need to find a new way to reconnect. Easier said than than done of course.

"Im not sure i enjoy his company anyway"....and he has probably sensed this over time. The fact that you feel you need a friend to moan to, would indicate - as well as your own admission about "whining" - that you`ve done a lot of that. It sounds as if you have both spiralled into a low place with your various worries about work. Without constant communication there can be no proper connection.

Take the time to sit down together, and really talk. Tell him everything that you have said here, particularly the bit about loving him....again and again, and work from there.

By your own admission you moan about work and cry a lot. Have you considered that perhaps he doesn't enjoy your company much either. If my DH rang me up to moan about work I suspect our conversations wouldn't be very light hearted either. If I'm honest I'd probably start ignoring the phone.

I went through a phase of moaning about work, and my DH was supportive for a while, but one day turned round and said 'either put up and shut up or do something about it'. It was a much needed wake up call. So, either improve your work situation by acquiring a positive attitude, volunteering for new challenges, making the best of it, or actively look for a new role. Stop offloading on him. Partners support each other, but it is depressingly and stressful to be a constant support for someone who is permanently miserable and seems unable to try and improve things for themselves. Further more if he can't find work himself he is probably exasperated that you don't appreciate your job more.

I think you both need to work on yourselves, and communicate more in a positive manner.

How about taking half days/lunchtimes to meet up with him?

I agree with heyho, sorting out dd's sleep issues could make a big difference. No wonder you feel lonely if he is falling asleep on her bed most nights.

Make some time for yourselves. Even your mum won't babysit, would she have dd for an afternoon so you could do something together?