Where now? He doesn't love me.

[MissBrown]

How do you accept that your husband doesn't love you anymore? Our relationship has always been, at best, strained but I love him with a passion. I don't always like him, sometimes I could lock him in a cupboard and leave him there but I love him.

He has recently told me he doesn't love me. He wasn't drunk. He gave up drinking at new year because he was concerned he was drinking too much.

I can't cope. When I tell him I still love him he asks how can I? I have a job that requires me to be cheery and focused all the time which helps but there are times when I feel like falling apart.

He won't move out because of the kids which I understand because our dd7 has a very close bond with him. But where do I go now? Do I live in a loveless marriage for the sake of our child? How do I look at him everyday knowing that I will never touch him again? How do I sleep in the same bed as him every night knowing that I can't cuddle him?

My son has some issues and his psychologist said I am a very resilient person but I don't feel it at the moment.

Where do I go from here?

So he told you he didn't love you - but didn't leave?

That seems very cruel.

I know. It would be easier if he would go. The kids would get used to it in time and I could move on. I don't mean with someone else but just be happy being single. I understand why he wants to stay- so he can be with his daughter but how does that work for us? For me, it is pretty final. Do I just hang around and hope that he does love me or do I insist that he leaves and break his and our dd's heart? I absolutely put her needs before mine but I feel in limbo.

Miss Brown - my circumstances are comparable to yours.

The realisation came very recently. I too am trying to think how the future will unfold & what on earth happens next.

Sorry, no advice, but handholding.

Have you considered the possibility that he has met someone else, but she hasn't got a place where he can live just yet, hence he wants to stay for the time being?

I'm afraid that this is a common scenario when a man says he wants to end the relationship but doesn't want to leave the house.

Thanks for your replies. I don't think he is seeing someone else although I have definitely considered it. He leaves and arrives home at the same time every day. No late nights, no nights out and is not hiding his phone. Maybe someone at work but he works 80 miles away so who knows?

Maybe he has just fallen out of love with me.

I have had a lot of berievements in the last few years, people who were close, and have coped with it all very well. I am very good at putting on a brave face and being stoic.

But I can't accept this. It seems so final. What happens now? I wish I didn't love him. He seems to think that I should be fine about this and when I get cross with him he can't understand it. I am angry. Angry that he doesn't love me, but that is his right surely?

I think you need to sit down with him and say that you are not prepared to live like this. That if he doesn't love you anymore and is saying that the relationship is over, if he is not prepared to try and re-kindle it then you will have to accept that - it is his decision. Having said that, tell him that he will need to accept that, in that case, it is your perogative and your decision to end the marriage and that you will be filing for divorce and expecting him to move out. Make it clear to him that this is not what you want - you still love him and would like to fight for the marriage, but that if he is adamant he doesn't love you you will not live like this. You have the right to move on, and possibly meet someone else. He will not be staying in the marital home simply because he wishes to for DDs sake. It is cruel and impossible to expect you to share a home and a bed with a man who is rejecting you. Yes, you have the right to be angry that he seems to believe he can treat you with such indifference and expect you to shrug and carry on anyway. Best of luck.

Miss Brown
Are you friends? Do you feel his change of heart is recent?
Day to day do you rub along ok?
Is he trying to provoke a reaction from you, or did he seem genuinely sorry that it has come to this?
I'm just wondering if it's a very cruel way of seeking your attention.

I do believe that he has fallen out of love with me. We have been arguing for a long time. He does have bipolar tendencies ( a big family history) and can be up and down. He has said this on occasion before but usually when drunk or very down. At present he is very stable. He is not manic or down. I really do believe he no longer loves me. I think men can be quite black and white with things like this. I look at him and remember the good times. I have so many lovely memories. This is what breaks my heart. I wish we could just go back to how it used to be.

I think counselling would be a good thing. I had a difficult start which was made a million times better when my grandmother took my brothers and I on. I cared for her when she was ill and subsequently died. I have lost the person who made my life good. I was married previously to the father of my older children. We split when I met this man but it was only a matter of time anyway. I fell pregnant quickly and felt I had to make this work to prove all the doubters wrong.

However I love this man so much and I can't imagine a time when I won't. If I think about him with someone else I feel physically sick.

I am an educated woman with a professional job but I feel like a child.

I wonder if you should use this time of having two parents and wages to start making a life if your own. Go out with friends, join a gym or class. Get a new hair do and some nice clothes.
Have days out with the dc without him.
All this will be harder to do once you are alone.
At best it would make him sit up and think at worst you are moving forward with your life.

You will cope. I am really sorry that you feel like this - and I know it is a dreadful thing to go through, but you are educated, professional and strong. You need to focus on being dignified and making it clear to your husband that if he genuinely feels like this then life cannot simply go on as before but with no affection between you. It would be dreadfully damaging to you and to your self esteem to continue living together when you love him so much and he doesn't care.

I am sorry to hear that you feel you have lost the one person who made your life good. You haven't. You have children, who are a blessing, and you have your grandmother's legacy and example of how to bring up children to be strong and know that they are loved. Don't focus on thinking of negative things like him being with someone else. Focus on the practicalities of separating and dealing with the finances, dealing with your work, dealing with your children. And give yourself time to heal. Keeping yourself busy until you have the strength to work through your emotions will help. Having someone declare that they no longer love you is like a bereavement - worse in a lot of ways because it is so hurtful. You will need time to grieve, but you will not be able to do so whilst your husband is still sharing your home as a stranger.

The single biggest motivator for someone who is ambivalent about a relationship is loss and so there's a failsafe strategy for dealing with this.

You ask him to leave.

You tell him that you accept he no longer loves you and that it his his right to leave the relationship. That you want to co-parent with him amicably and to play just as much a part in all of the children's lives and not just his bio daughter's.

But that you need time to grieve the relationship and move on with your life. That you're not prepared to live with someone whose feelings have gone for you, because it is damaging for children living in that atmosphere and will delay your acceptance that the romantic relationship is over.

After he's gone, it's a case of fake it to make it. To him you give the appearance of moving on without him and seeing the opportunities in that. Privately you will be grieving and might need some shoulders to cry on and perhaps some counselling. Eventually you will start to feel better, although it will take some time. So you start to do things that were difficult while in the relationship; learn new skills, see more of friends, make new ones.

Once someone's felt the loss and has seen a partner not (to borrow a phrase from you-know-where) 'crumble and die', often the ambivalence stops and he will want to come back. If you want him back, you will be much stronger in the relationship and the power will be more equalised. If you don't, it will be because you've found life to be better single than you had imagined. Either way it's a win-win.

The fact that he has bipolar tendencies (and these sound undiagnosed and untreated?) and also started your relationship via the infidelity route, are I'm afraid more pointers towards the likelihood of an affair though. Many affairs are conducted during 'normal' working hours (through taking sneaky leave or faking appointments) and if he works 80 miles away, the opportunities are there. Some people have second phones or communicate on work phones or laptops, which are often password protected for company security purposes. People with bipolar are also especially at risk of infidelity.

Normally what I advise people to do in this situation is to think logically. When a man with children says he doesn't love you any longer and wants the relationship over - and he isn't prepared to work on it or go for counselling, the most likely cause is infidelity. So just like if an appliance broke, you'd check the basics such as the power supply or the fuse, this is no different. Rule in or out the likely cause and then make a decision.

Totally agree with the above advice op. don't just let him call the shots hoping he will change his mind. You will loose your dignity.
Your IDE sounds lonely and sad at the moment.
Having been through a divorce which I didn't instigate (affair) I can say that although its hard and painful, once they've left you can get on with your and the dcs life in relative peace and comfort. Without worrying where dh is or what he's doing and living with someone who says he doesn't love you is the loneliest you will ever be I promise.

Totally agree with the above advice op. don't just let him call the shots hoping he will change his mind. You will loose your dignity.
Your IDE sounds lonely and sad at the moment.
Having been through a divorce which I didn't instigate (affair) I can say that although its hard and painful, once they've left you can get on with your and the dcs life in relative peace and comfort. Without worrying where dh is or what he's doing and living with someone who says he doesn't love you is the loneliest you will ever be I promise.

Sorry life not IDE

what charbon said

Oh no..not the "i don't love you" speech

The reason for this is that he has OW and does not want to leave yet is because its not convenient yet.

He has checked out of the marriage emotionally and mentally and there is no point in winning him back.

Your only option is to tell him you deserve far more than a loveless marriage and that you want him to leave - as advised by Charbon.

Not loving you any more is different from being cruel enough to expect you to sleep beside him for the next 1/5/10 years.

That is vile. It will destroy you piece by piece.

You cannot live like that. It is not life it is a torture sentence.

If he is determined is is dead and over as much as it will break your heart I suggest you get the ball rolling on divorce and living desperately.

The sooner this starts the sooner you can face that this is the end grieve and then start to heal.

Dragging it out will hurt longer in the end.

"However I love this man so much and I can't imagine a time when I won't. "

A lot of people feel like that in emotionally dysfunctional relationships. The 'strain' you mentioned initially probably means you've spent a lot of your married life trying to keep him happy, second-guessing his behaviour, giving him the benefit of the doubt, making excuses for him etc. As a successful, intelligent, professional you are probably used to approaching challenges with your sleeves rolled up, you are not a quitter, and - ironically - that means that you will keep trying long after someone else less driven would have given up and walked away. All of the above means you have a HUGE, almost pathological emotional investment in this man..... that is not the same as love. Love that is not reciprocated is merely obsession.

I can predict now that, if you split, you would take a long time to get him out of your system but that there would come a point... maybe 2, 3 or 5 years down the track... when you would look back at today and ask yourself 'what the hell was I thinking?'

Please take charge of your own future and tell him to leave

Thank you so much to all those who have taken the time to write a reply. You have given me lots to think of. Lying by his side in bed in the worst time. Just hearing him moving around and the smell of him. God I sound pathetic! If I was giving advice to a friend in a similar situation, I would say she needs to 'kick him to curb, girlfriend!' but when you are in this situation yourself it is not so easy.

Financially we are not great because of a few bad decisions recently but this is only short term. I have taken on more hours at work so I will soon be in a much better position.

I know I need to be strong and ask him to leave if he really does feel this way. I have some great friends who will support me if I need, one in particular so I do have someone to talk to.

This morning I had to call on him for help as my stupid car had broken down. I probably could have managed by myself to sort it out (hire car) but I naturally went to him. Maybe I just rely on him?

I would say that I am quite convinced he is not cheating. I was the married one, not him. I remember the things I did to hide this affair. It just doesn't feel that way. My first marriage would have ended anyway, my now husband was just the way out I chose.

To top it off I am feeling really poorly as well! What a week!

Ok, get over the physical illness but use a little bit of convalescence to nurture yourself and feel stronger.
Tell him to move out of the bedroom to the spare room or sofa for a bit. If he works away, does he stay there during the week? If so ask him to stay there more often.
Work out what childcare/parenting he needs to do and tell him to do it. Don't do his washing, ironing or cooking. You are not in a partnership at the moment except as co-parents.
He is your housemate at best, so treat him like one. And do, do get some counselling - you can go to Relate on your own or something similar. If he has checked out, then you need to do so too.
As someone said upthread you can turn what appears to be a loss into a win-win situation. You have no control over how he feels, only how you do and how you react so create some distance that works for you.
Your children will pick up on the unhappiness and emotional separation between their parents so clarity and hope for a better future is going to be in their interests.

But op we have been in your position (some if us) which is why we know its the right thing.
I remember the moment when I stopped trying to fight for exh and just accepted it was over and told him to leave my home. It was hard but I felt so much better than I had for weeks.
Have you looked into what benefits you would get? You might find you will be better off.
If you can't face doing this then please at least recover some dignity and set yourself up in a separate room,show him you have accepted how he feels and watch him panic.

As an immediate measure, do insist on sleeping separately. It is important to make very definite changes like this and that one will help you especially. Phoning him when a crisis strikes is an understandable habit, but the first time you call the AA, or a plumber or an electrician, or fix something yourself, will all help your self-esteem.

The possible red flag about the way your relationship started is that he evidently believes that engaging in an infidelitous relationship is permissible. If he thought infidelity was a bad life choice, he wouldn't have got involved with you. How you behaved when you were unfaithful doesn't have to be mirrored by him now. You are two entirely separate individuals and not everyone behaves the same way when they are having an affair. Since he knew how you behaved, it follows that he would be careful not to present the same way in case it aroused suspicions.