Can't see eye to eye on division of labour

[recall]

He thinks he is the one doing the most, I think I am...just can't agree, and I can't convey to him how much he does less than me. Any advice? Sick of shouting...he is very good at putting forward his argument, I get all shouty and emotional and loose my argument.

I feel like I do a lot that he is unaware of, such as managing the children's health, dentist, HV check ups and stuff like parent's evenings etc.

He just said i was sat here smoking (electric fag, out of sight of the children) and drinking coffee this morning when I should have been getting the children ready for school. He didn't see me last night making packed lunches and sorting out book bags etc. Had I been doing this this morning, I would have looked all busy. That is just an example....

Its all so confusing.

He = put cereal in bowls, made porridge, made coffee, told oldest two to get dressed, put some clean dishes away.

I = made packed lunches, read books and wrote in book, changed nappy and dressed 2 year old, put shoes on 2 year old and 3 year old, did 5 year old and 2 year old's hair, got coats on, got them into car, drove them to school and play group.

He just said that he has to start work at 8.30, so could do no more, then he said he does a lot more than men who do a 9-5 office job can because he is flexi time.....can't be both can it??

I run my own business and work away most weekends.

Are you hoping he'll do more? Or do you just want recognition for what you do?

I think you both need to read Wifework

Apparently 80% of domestic labour is still carried out by women, even in this so-called age of equality. Therefore, judging himself by how well he compares to other men is a complete cop out.

He is vastly under-estimating the mental time you spend keeping things running. Who notices that the toothpaste needs replacing and the toilet rolls are nearly out, for example?

Wifework is really good at helping you articulate that.

I don't like the fact that you're shouting at each other about it. When things disintegrate like that it's kind of immaterial who's right and who's wrong, who spends 10 minutes doing X or 30 minutes doing Y .... it's just become a handy subject you can use to take pot-shots at each other. Do you get on well otherwise or does this simmering resentment mask bigger problems in the relationship?

Please flame me but I think you are both contributing to the running of the home. Because you are both tired, things might get petty esp when the tiredness begins to get competitive. It sounds like he is doing his bit to me but obviously I am only going by your op.

Make a rota about who does what and when. Or get to look deeper to see the real reason why you're getting irritable with each other.

"He thinks he is the one doing the most, I think I am."

Couldn't you both be a little more appreciative of each other?

It's so much nicer if competitive tiredness goes:

"You must be exhasted, do you need a rest?"
"No, you've had the kids all day, you must be wrecked."

I don't think there's really time in the morning for sitting around smoking fake fags and reading.

DH is like a machine he gets so much done, but I'd still be if he was sitting around resting while I was running around like a blue-arsed fly trying to get us all out the door on time.

If you are sharing the household tasks as a couple, that means (in my opinion) you each do what you agreed to do, and when you finish you go help the other one to finish their chores. That way you can sit around doing nothing together when it's all done.

How much leisure time do you each get? It should be roughly the same amount.

Thank you for your thoughtful replies.

Callindana I think I would like him do more of the little jobs during the morning rush, such as finding shoes, brushing hair/teeth, I feel as though he dips and "helps" as and where he pleases, yet I am the default, I have to do anything he doesn't.
Dhalen I am going to have a good read of that, it might enable me to articulate to him my point, which is what I am struggling with.
Cogito We usually get on very well, been together for 18 years. Neither of us like shouting ( have both apologised since OP )
Dryjuice I don't think we would ever stick to a rota, would probably write one and hardly refer to it, just knowing us. I'm not being negative, just know rot as don't work for us in particular.
athinginyourlife agree - am going to try it.
Shmumty I think where this goes wrong in our case is that we don't both contribute at the same time. I am working at weekends, so I don't really get a break, I work 16 hours roughly on Saturdays and Sundays, and stay away in a Hotel. I get back in the early hours of Monday morning, and then before I know it, its Monday morning school run kick off etc. Monday evening, DH goes for a run. It feels like I am waiting all week for a rest and to re charge, but I seem just to get snippets here and there.
solidgoldbrass Its hard to work out how much leisure time we get, I suppose it is when the children are asleep, but DH does go running regularly 3 evenings a week - he is in a club, so set times. I rest during the evening after the children are asleep, but because they are all under 5, this often gets interrupted, and I tend to catch up on odd jobs such as the e banking, e mails, mending etc.

I am feeling better now, and off to read Dhalen's thingy. Thank you for listening, it really does help.