How do I get the trust back?

[Anonymousey]

Me and my husband have been together for 3 years, married for nearly 1. Throughout the past 2 years he has struggled with depression, although has had a good result with antidepressants and has been "back to normal" for some months now. At his lowest, he started taking prescription strength codeine tablets - I make no bones about the fact that this was an addiction. He hadn't taken any for perhaps 6 months, and in that time has also given up smoking.

We have a 2 month old dd so I'm at home on maternity leave, and was cleaning the house when I came across lots of empty codeine packets stuffed down the back of some shelves. His behaviour recently has been similar to when he was taking codeine, so I have asked him on numerous occasions whether he has taken it, and he has always categorically denied it. In addition, he has started smoking again - something I questioned lots and he also denied (although has now admitted to it).

This morning I confronted him about the codeine and he had no choice but to admit that he has been taking it again and lying to me about it. He says he is low (agreed - he is as had tried to cut down his ADs; now back up to previous dose) and that he feels he cannot talk to me as he doesn't want to worry me. He's never been a great talker, but I always make it clear he can talk to me about anything, and that I will always have time for him.

So...
He says he will stop taking codeine. I think I believe him. But I feel like there is no trust between us. He has lied to me, and made me suspicious of him, as well as making me feel paranoid.

I will not leave him, we are in this together and i want to be able to help. But I don't know where to begin, or how to even start to rebuild the trust between us. If you've got this far, thankyou for reading. I would really appreciate some advice (constructive) as to how we can make things work.

As you have said yourself, this is an addiction. I'm not making excuses for him lying to you but he probably needs help to quit taking this hugely addictive drug. Has he talked to his GP about it and asked for help? I know there are interactions between codeine and other medications ... particularly ADs ... it is important that is checked out too. Going back to the trust thing - addicts do desperate things - the "fix" becomes the most important thing. It doesn't sound as if he set out in a planned way to lie to you, just that he couldn't do without the codeine. Try not to dwell on the trust thing and try to get him sorted.

Is he like this in other ares of life? He is not being mature/honest about it. There is no need to lie about such an addiction at all unless he has had embarrasing hard drugs addictions in the past.

It must be really frustrating for you as there is nothing as soul destroying as a book that you want to read but is padlocked to you.
I'm afraid I wouldn't trust him either as it sounds like he prefers to keep stuff to himself.

Whenever I see a question along the lines of 'how do I trust him again', I always think why would you want to trust some who's proved they're unworthy of your trust?

He sounds to be the type that's often described as having an 'addictive personality'. If it's not coedine it's cigarettes; if it's not fags, it'll be booze or some other drug of choice because, in essence, he's weak willed and feels the need for a source of comfort over and above what he can give himself/get from others.

What is it about you that so desperately wants to trust him? Do you find the thought going it alone terrifying? If so, you need to explore these feelings as, sooner or later, tough love will be your only option and he'll need to leave before your dd becomes adversely affected by the tension between her dps.