Do you think that if you feel you want to look at your DP's phone/emails that the trust is gone, full stop?

[PrincessRagnhild]

Or is that too extreme? Is there ever a case for looking just to 'reassure' yourself? It's something I've never done before, as it seems too sneaky and like no good can come of it. I am normally one for just talking about stuff outright. But saying exactly what you think can be harmful too, can't it, if you come across as jealous and untrusting?

Nothing is ever clear cut but I would agree that if have to start snooping to check it isn't a good sign.

I think that's too extreme in isolation. If something has been building up in the background and checking phone/e-mails etc is the next step then maybe the trust has gone. But if you're just idly curious, then that's a different matter.... just remember what they say about eavesdroppers. I'm a fan of always being straight with someone in a relationship so I don't see how saying exactly what you think is automatically harmful.

Maybe more details would help?

No, I don't think saying what you think is automatically harmful. Definitely normally the best policy...

Yes more details would be helpful, though it's really boring and minor (I think).

The other day, I was standing behind DH when he was texting an old female friend. I couldn't read what it said. When he realised I was behind him he kind of snapped at me - not really angrily, but it was noticeable because he's never snappy normally. He also kind of tipped the phone away from me so I couldn't see the screen.

But later I was sitting next to him on the sofa and he was replying to another of her texts, and I could read it this time and it was totally harmless 'catching up' stuff.

I just want to know what he was saying before, or whether he just didn't want me to know he was texting her. She's a friend who he said in the past that he once felt something for, though nothing ever happened between them, and they don't see each other now.

I didn't ask him about it at the time because we had a house full of guests, and haven't done since because I thought I wasn't that bothered. But I am.

It's not a sign that the trust has gone just because you want to know what they were saying. Privacy is one thing but he got aggressive, hid the screen and therefore he's behaving suspiciously.

My exH had an 'old female friend' that, for some reason, whenever he mentioned her, the back of my neck would prickle. Guess who he left the marriage to be with? :)

Smiley face not appropriate!! But thank you Cogito, you always sound wise. Yes, it seemed like suspicious behaviour to me. Do you think I should ask him about it then? I just can't be arsed to go down the checking his phone, trying to catch him out etc route. Because it could be completely innocent - everyone's entitled to a private conversation with a friend after all. And he's never done anything else to make me worry.

Yes, tell him you're uncomfortable with his private conversations with a woman he 'once felt something for' and judge him by his reaction. Being in a permanent relationship does not mean everyone has to autmatically drop their old friends of the opposite sex but there have to be some boundaries, a lot of consideration & respect and a great deal of openness .. certainly not suspicious, secretive or hostile behaviour. I don't generally agree with snooping and checking things out.... if I don't trust someone they're not worth my time ... but in my experience I would say that if you feel something is not right, something is not right.

That's what I thought was best - talk to him and judge his reaction. I've just read on here a lot of advice to check phones and try and find evidence before confronting, but I guess that's for more extreme/advanced cases than mine.

He has plenty of other close female friends - proper ones who he actually phones, spends time with on his own and with me, and they don't cause any kind of jealousy in me at all. So I agree, something is not right here. I would guess it's more a case of flirting and ego boosts for both if anything (although none of their communications that I've actually seen sound very flirty).

I think a chat with him about boundaries would be a good idea:
www.shirleyglass.com/quizfriendship.php

I would be wary about saying you suspect this woman because you do not want him to cover his tracks and hide evidence. I say this because you have a niggling feeling about this and we always say on here to trust your instincts.

That quiz is really interesting MadAbout. Definitely gives me some ideas about how to frame a discussion and what the boundaries should be. I can't imagine I'd be able to keep the discussion completely vague though - he'd guess I was worried about something in particular.

Could he have snapped becuase he felt his privacy was being invaded? I have snapped several times at DH when he has gone in my handbag for something without asking. For me, it's the invasion of my personal space. If he said 'can I grab something out of your bag' I would have said no problem. I've never had anything I wanted to hide from DH but for some reason it annoys the life out of me!

It's possible Bertram, he might have thought I was standing behind him reading his text, which would annoy me too.

Especially since he was texting her later in full view of me when I was sitting next to him. Still, I feel weird about it so am going to ask tonight.

There are texts and there are texts.... 'How about United for the cup?' is something you can share with the missus. 'How about a shag?' you can't.

Well, obviously. I just meant he must not mind me knowing that he's texting her.

He doesn't mind when he's sat on the sofa but the content of the one you nearly saw over his shoulder could easily have been something more suggestive....

Yes, I get what you're saying, thanks.

If his response tonight is not satisfactory I will be back for more advice!

I've just found put that my H had an affair (and posting about it a lot at the moment).

I had a feeling something wasn't right and saw that he'd got a few texts from her - just passing by the phone that he'd left on the message screen. Normally it was locked and hidden from me. I didn't read the messages and asked him later that night who she was. He said if I loved and trusted him, I wouldn't need to ask. He then proceeded to delete all the texts between them. He sent her a few innocuous messages, she replied in a similar manner. He showed me those to prove how silly I was not to trust him.

I found out a few days later that he had been having an affair with her. All the righteous indignation abut his privacy being compromised was a cover, as were the friendly texts he showed me.

A few weeks ago I would have said to talk to him. Now my advice would be to check, for your own peace of mind, if you have that feeling that something is not quite right. I wish I had.

So basically - I agree with Cogito's view - there are messages and there are messages. The one you saw while sitting on the sofa could have been to disarm you.

I'm almost 100% sure he's not actually having a physical affair with her, we are together most of the time when not at work, or at least know where each other are and phone/text a lot with updates. Plus she lives a long way away.

But if I receive an answer such as 'don't you trust me?' or 'you shouldn't even need to ask?' I will certainly be suspicious. Trust isn't like faith - it has to be built on evidence.

Ah, in my case there was plenty of opportunities for him to be physically close to someone with me having no idea.

Saying that, I find the fact that H got emotionally close to the OW harder to deal with than the physical stuff they got up to. It started off with texts.

I hope she is just a friend - good luck with your discussion tonight.

Thanks AloneSoon.

I do think - although perhaps I'm wrong, I have no experience of this - that there is probably quite a gap between feeling slightly guilty about flirtatious texts (by which I mean the mildest kind of flirting, not explicit 'I really fancy you' texts) and actually having or intending to have a physical or emotional affair. The former could certainly lead to the latter, but doesn't necessarily have to IMO.