Newly divorced..how long until I stop missing him?

[TarkaDahlOtter]

Decree absolute Came through a week ego. I was petitioner. We have two young dcs. There were lots of problems in marriage, emotionally abusive, cultural, his temper, lots..so it was turbulent. But I feel like I am going to be trapped where I am forever. I work hard and find my dcs hardwork...especially one who has aspergers.
When and how can I let go of the past and move forwards. Am thirty eight and don't want to be alone forever, but feel I will as some stupid part of me still feels so attached to him.
Any advice?
Thanks

It's going to take some effort and planning but you have to try to find a balance between work, home responsibilities and socialising. Not dating necessarily, just spending time with other adults, enjoying yourself, and getting a break from the daily grind. Might mean having to fork out for babysitters or calling in favours from friends in order to achieve it but it's worth it. Does your ex have the children for weekends occasionally?

Embrace independence but make the most of the freedom you now have. What I found was that, as time wore on, my fears of being 'alone forever' became tempered by the feeling that my independent life was actually very precious and not to be compromised too easily.

Well done on getting out of a bad marriage. Good luck

Thanks. No he does not have them overnight..just four hours on a Sunday. His situation and associates make it unsuitable for dcs to go to his.
We have been messily separate for two years, but with lots of failed reunions. Am starting to see that I am trying to avoid myself, by focusing on someone else, eating, drinking!
Not sure why it feels so scary to stand and face my self and life..am really together and efficient at work, feel overwhelmed at home.
Do you think it is normal to still feel so attached to him?

Yes, it is totally normal to feel attached to someone who has been a big part of your life.

But remember that a major part of that attachment is rooted in the person you believed him to be, not the one he later proved himself to be. It's ok to mourn for the relationship you thought you had and, had he been different, could have taken forward.

It is however also important that those thoughts do not get muddled with everything you also know: the reasons why the relationship broke down and reconciliations failed. You are now free of him, with the decree absolute. I can easily see why the ending of the marriage is like a bereavement: the marriage is dead and over.

But it's also a time to move forward into your new life, which you can fill with anything you want. A bit scary? Probably. But also very heady.

If it was an emotionally abusive relationship then I think it's normal to feel more attached. I don't know how long you were together but victims of emotional abuse spend a disproportionate amount of their time in a relationship trying to work out how to keep the abuser happy. It can become an obsession, a compulsion, almost like a destructive addiction... which is probably why you have had a lot of failed reunions. The victim is always working on the (vain) hope that 'if I do this or behave like that or stop doing the other, he'll be happy, won't lose his temper and he'll love me...' The victim completely loses their sense of self in the process, their confidence gets knocked, they lose sight of what they want out of life because they're so busy second-guessing someone else. It's hard to drop that kind of attachment.

You've done really well to get yourself out of a mess like that. You might benefit from some counselling to really understand what's been going on. The 'Freedom Programme' is worth a look. But ultimately, yes, stop 'avoiding yourself' (nice phrase) and, as the hippies would put it.... go and find yourself.

Personally, what I have found is important is to do things almost impulsively. I take something I want to do and just do it, relishing the freedom of not having to check with anyone else. I also take things that he would have hated and I do those as well.... :) That's quite cathartic

I'm newly separated from an abusive man and just downloaded what is turning out to be an excellent book "Getting Past Your Break Up" - from what you've written I think you'd also find yourself identifying as much as I am.

I am 47 an been a lone paren if over 12 years. Onl had a few relationships and nothing for over 7 years. I has taken a while but actually I enjoy beng alone (apart from the odd few days).
I have a great relationship with my DCs...far better than most parents I think (given what people I know say).
It has taken a good whil to be to where I am, largely because I lost all my friends when I left my dodgy marriage and then went back into education so found it hard to make new ones given the situation I was in.
But, get as much of a social life and support network would be my advise, and then embrace bringing up your kids in a stress-free (relatively) home. Be good to yourself always and enjoy little treats when you can. Dress well and hold your head up high.
Lone parenting is a joy despite the extra hard work and the pay-off is worth it.
One day you may find someone who can add to your life. But sort your life out first.
Good luck, be strong

Facing yourself means facing your fears, fear of being alone and unloved is probably the worst but actually if you can start to love yourself, and by this I mean don't let others take advantage and never forget what you really need you will feel better.

When you accept the grief of the loss of a relationship and tear down the fantasy which it would never have been; in your case you knew it wasn't right for you as you persued the divorce, you will probably start to move on.

I've just accepted that I need to get off the 'hamster wheel of dodgy relationships' and have a rest. I'm feeling a bit all over the place, but better, and deep down know its the right thing to do

Thanks everyone, just needed grounding.i will look up that book to..I really don't want to stay stuck here anymore :)