Sad and angry

[FuzzyClutter]

Last year I moved me and my 2 dc across the country to move in with my dp. We had both been looking forward to it so much but basically everything went wrong - external things we had no control over which caused loads of stress, then a month after being there I found out I was pg.

I was very unsure about the pg but do not really agree with abortion, so guessed that I would just have to make the best of it. Then dp ended it 2 weeks after I found out about the baby. We had been arguing loads and he just made a snap decision.

So on autopilot I had an abortion. I still can't believe I did it. I just knew that I couldn't cope with 3 dc on my own as 2 had been hard enough. And then 4 days later I moved near to my family.

Dp says as soon as I left he realised what a terrible mistake he had made. Our relationship had been perfect up until the point where I moved in. It was a proper fairy tale. Then we had major stress after major stress and dp explains it like he had some kind of breakdown. He spent the next month constantly on my case to take him back. I didn't want to know as I felt so hurt. I had left the place I loved, given up my business, take dd1 out of the school she loved, all to make a new life with him, then backed me into a corner where I felt I had no option but to abort my baby. Six weeks from when I moved to when I had the abortion and me and the kids were out on our ears with literally nothing.

I was adamant it was over for good, but one day, after a couple of months, something changed and I realised that I was still in love with him. I agreed to give things another go, and just take things very slowly. We now live about 150 miles apart but he agreed that he would do all the driving, and in the 3 months we have been back together he has made a real effort. He feels so guilty about what happened and has been the perfect boyfriend.

It's not easy though as I blame him for the abortion, and the whole process completely messed my head up. I cry for the baby I killed every day, and I am getting counselling but its not really helping. I am fixated with how far pg I would be now, and I feel like I am losing it more and more the closer the would be due date comes.

I love him like I have never loved anyone else, but I really don't know if I can ever forgive him for what happened. I feel a bit like he cheated on me, in the sense that my faith in him has gone. He, ironically, is desperate for us to have a baby as what happened last year is eating him up, but I have no interest in having another baby, I just desperately miss the one I aborted last year.

I am now living in a new place where I don't really know anyone, other mums don't seem particularly friendly and though I see dp most weekends I am generally on my own.

Don't really know what think anymore. Sorry for the rambling.

He betrayed your trust in a very serious way, so it's not surprising that the relationship is damaged.

Do you actually want to be with him?

Oh sweetie.

I think once the trust has been broken, by what ever means (and he did break your trust and hurt you) it's very hard to ever get back. Probably impossible to be honest.

Think you need to look at the situation and ask yourself if you even want to be with a man that can change his mind from one extreme to another so quickly.

Best of luck lovely

He let you down after checking that you would do everything for him. This is not a man to be trusted. You and your children cannot afford for him to do this to you again.

I dont think anyone could ever make that situation right. He hurt you at such a vulnerable time. You were miles away from home, with two children to get settled and then you find out you are pregnant. But he made it all about him with no regard for the consequences.

Do you honestly want to be with him? If you let go of how it was before you moved (because thats gone now) do you still see a future in this?

I can see how lonely and vulnerable you must still feel, but please dont look to him for support. He has already shown he is not worthy. Have you talked to your family about this?

What absolute twat he is. Game playing of the worst kind. He wanted you, then when he had you he didn't want you, then when you left he wanted you again. Pathetic.

I'm speaking through the no doubt bitter prism of having split with my husband in the last few days, but I say dump him. And contact BPAS for counselling about your sbortion.

It is telling that when you lived together and things weren't perfect he snapped/broke down. If a relationship is so fragile that outside influences can affect it so badly so quickly, I would be looking at whether it was worth continuing.

Obviously, I don't know what those problems were that you had, but normally if you love someone you work things through not run.

As for the abortion, keep up with the counselling; I hope you come to terms with it soon.

I don't know that I would be giving him another chance to be honest. Where do you see yourself in 2 years' time? Would you consider moving the children again to be with him? Would you dare take that chance? If not, are you going to continue a long distance relationship forever or will he make the move?

Talk things out at counselling and decide what you want, what is best for you and for your children.

I think this betrayal of trust is (understandably) proving too much to move beyond.

I think you are going to have to ask yourself if staying with this man is actually prolonging your pain and hurt.

I'm so sorry for your loss- it sounds like an impossible situation and a terrible decision to have to make.

He is doing all the running to make this work now, and he is planning to move near to me this summer. Not move in with me, as there is no way I would put myself in that situation, but just nearer so that we can see each other more. Things are ok now but I suppose I have a deep rooted fear that the next time some kind if major shit hits the fan he will freak out again.

He is forever paying me compliments but to me it just seems like empty words as if he really thought all those things, why did he treat me the way he did?

I am so gutted as we were supposed to be getting married this year, this was supposed to be my happy ever after, after a really crap few years. We had talked about having a baby after the wedding but obviously there is no way any of this is going to happen now.

But to give him his due, I was a mess when he met me, dealing with all kinds of shit from a really abusive ex, and he picked me up and helped me out when so many people would have just not bothered. He has been great the whole time I have known him, apart from that awful couple of weeks last year around the abortion. And he is being endlessly patient and supportive now, when I don't have a lot else in the way of support. Although I am aware that he is the one who has largely caused the problems I have now.

I really don't know if I want to be with him. I know I definitely love him, and the thought of him not being in my life is horrible, but on the other hand I just don't know how I can ever get over what happened last year. I seem to be stuck in a cycle of punishing him for what happened, which I know isn't helpful. I swing between loving him and hating him several times every day. And on a pride point of view, I feel like he has made a complete fool out of me in what he did last year, and then I feel angry with myself for even giving him another chance.

Do you love him of are you just settling for someone who is better than no one?
Firstly you need counselling for the abortion and perhaps your own self esteme. Do you love him because you are lonely in your new life with no RL friends to call on?
Personally l would find it very hard to forgive anyone who treated me and my DC's so shabbily. Could you trust him not to do the same again to you and tour DC's as this affects them as much as you?
Perhaps you could ask for a period of no contact till you sort yourself out and redefine exactly what you want.

But to give him his due, I was a mess when he met me, dealing with all kinds of shit from a really abusive ex, and he picked me up and helped me out when so many people would have just not bothered. He has been great the whole time I have known him, apart from that awful couple of weeks last year around the abortion. And he is being endlessly patient and supportive now, when I don't have a lot else in the way of support.

Dont settle for him just because he is "better" than your ex. Better does not equal ok. It could still be an abusive relationship. And sadly, it sounds to me like he is manipulating you.