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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel so trapped (long)

36 replies

reallyneedsomeadvice2013 · 05/02/2013 12:31

Im not a mum but really dont know where else to turn as cant talk to my mum, dad or friends.

Ive been with my boyfriend for two years,lived together for one. Over the past 8 months hes become violent, getting worse each time I would say. Dont know if i should go into details or not but the last 3 days especially have been awful.

I know i should leave him but i feel trapped. He owes me £2000. I tried to leave him the other day but he then threatened other things. I know that if i was to leave he would make my life hell and not pay the rent so my parents would be out of pocket. I am so disappointed in myself and am so scared to tell anyone (especially my mum) as they think he is so lovely (which he can be) and it will just be another failure on my part and i hate the thought of my parents being even more disappointed in me and being a let down/failure to them. Im crying as i write this, not because of whats been done to me but because of what a rubbish daughter i am. My parents are such amazing people/parents and theyve got stuck with a really shit daughter.

The problem is he used to be so amazing, caring and loving. I really love him and i just feel so lost and trapped. I just want things to be how they used to be. I feel so scared and alone.

[This post has been edited by MNHQ to protect to OP's anonymity]

OP posts:
Original poster
reallyneedsomeadvice2013 · 06/02/2013 01:21

Thanks everyone. Ive been thinking hard about everything everyones said snd ive spoken to someone. Im at my mums now although i haven't told her anything just said I wanted to stay over. Sorry I haven't said more I'm shattered and off to try and sleep. ...been trying since 11 though..

OP posts:
ElectricSheep · 06/02/2013 01:32

Hope you're OK OP.

Don't feel bad about choosing this boyfriend. This type of violent, abusive man ios very good at putting on a nice front. It's only when you get to know them that you learn what they are really like. It's not your fault.

£2000 or shame should not stop you leaving though. Don't worry about his threats. Just go home and tell your mum. Then ring the police or women's aid with her support.

Original poster
reallyneedsomeadvice2013 · 06/02/2013 01:32

Cant sleep and just really wanted to ssay thank you for all your advice and help. All I want is to speak to my mum (v scared to still but baby steps I suppose) and speaking to you was kind of like talking to her (hope that doesnt sound weird) maybe because your mums I dont know....its so nice being with my parents and feeling safe even though im still scared. I don't make any sense I know. Worked out well for me today I was geared up for a row about me staying at my mums but hes gone to cornwall to see his brother until Sunday. Couldn't believe it when he told me. Im relieved just so I can think. But I do feel so stupid because I miss him...im such an idiot. Anyway i will sleep now.. im determined so night and thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
reallyneedsomeadvice2013 · 06/02/2013 01:33

Cant sleep and just really wanted to ssay thank you for all your advice and help. All I want is to speak to my mum (v scared to still but baby steps I suppose) and speaking to you was kind of like talking to her (hope that doesnt sound weird) maybe because your mums I dont know....its so nice being with my parents and feeling safe even though im still scared. I don't make any sense I know. Worked out well for me today I was geared up for a row about me staying at my mums but hes gone to cornwall to see his brother until Sunday. Couldn't believe it when he told me. Im relieved just so I can think. But I do feel so stupid because I miss him...im such an idiot. Anyway i will sleep now.. im determined so night and thank you.

OP posts:
ElectricSheep · 06/02/2013 01:34

Oh x post!

Why haven't you told your mum? What's stopping you?

ElectricSheep · 06/02/2013 01:37

You are missing him because you still think he is the person you first thought he was.

You fell in love with your idea of who he was - not the real him.

You have to let go of that idea of him now though.

Now you know he is a violent, nasty bully who makes threats against your family.

SquinkiesRule · 06/02/2013 01:43

If the place is in your name and he's gone till Sunday, call the Landlord and have the locks changed before he gets back and bag up his stuff and drop it to his Mums house. (Is this legal? not sure but I'm sure one of these moms will know)
Stay safe and tell your parents, If you were mine I'd just want you home safe.

ElectricSheep · 06/02/2013 02:12

Yes it is legal because the flat is in OP's name so wanker bastard boyfriend has no legal right to be there.

BUT in my opinion you don't hang around to be fair, give warnings or argue with this type. You just go. It is safer and more sensible. You will not change this man or win an argument. You just have to let go of all your feelings, admit you made a mistake and that he is not the nice or decent person you thought he was, just a nasty bastard that you should never see again.

notnagging · 06/02/2013 06:16

Op I am a landlady and I had a tenant in a similar situation, she never told me. I wish she had. I evicted her for non payment of rent & other issues. When she did vacate the house was full of dents. She had a safety glass & a panic button on the front door. I can't imagine how she lived. My point is landlords are not all scum. We are human, have family. My point is let your landlord know. Hopefully you will be pleasantly surprised with their reaction. Good luck.

foolonthehill · 06/02/2013 10:35

You are on your way OP little steps. You can get through this and have a better life. Hope you can tell your Mum (or show her the thread) today.

greeneyed · 07/02/2013 07:06

Please tell your mum today OP. She would be heartbroken to think you couldn't tell her, agree just show her this thread if it's too difficult to get the word out. X

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