pressured into mediation and I feel sick

[slowlycatchymonkey]

Hi everyone

I hope its ok to post on this board. I'm not sure if its a relationship issue or not, because he's an 'ex', but he scares the crap put of me, so maybe it is...

In a nutshell he is taking me to court to change the access arrangements for our dd. Rather than just 'talk' about it like normal people, he sent me a quick text asking me to agree to quite a huge change in the arrangements. Whilst I didnt say no straight out, I expressed concerns and said it would need proper discussion. Cue a court summons landing on my doormat two weeks later. This is exactly how he operates - do as I say or you will regret it.
The court appplication was horrifc to read - basically said I was a crap mother, how he is deeply concerned about my care of her etc. I was devestated to read it, but not surprised because this is what he has doen ever since we split when she was a baby. In an effort to get his own way at court, he decided he needed to use the most adversarial methods avaibale to him - and that is to paint me as a selfish mother, who puts our dd second and that he has had 'no choice' but to apply to the court to limit the risk to our dd (his actual words). Incidentally cafcass have taken themselves off the case as they said there is no concerns from their side. I am furious though that he gets to write all that down and no one, absolutely no one is going to call him on it. I just didnt think the courts would tolerate stuff like that, but I was obviously wrong.

I have to attend the first session this week and I literally cannot sleep. He ties me up in knots, talks over me, says the most crushing things. Heres the crux though - he is calm, collected, smiley, plausiblea and never raises his voice. He wont name call, insult me directly or lose his temper, yet the things he says have the ability to destroy me. He has always affected me in this way and I dont know how to not care. He will be able to convince me in this session that I fall short of his expectations as a parent, and the manner in which he does it will be quitely menacing.

I think he is mentally abusive. In the time we were together he played so many mind games with me, and ruined my confidence. I'm fine now - except I still go to pieces when I'm around him. I knwo mediation wont work - I am crystal clear on that and this is a hoop we are being made to jump through. He cant wait for it to get to final hearing so that I am 'dealt with' ( his words). Is there a way for me to get through these sessions with minimal damage to myself? Can I 'pretend' in any way? How 'involved' will I have to be? Sorry in advance if I'm not explaining myself very well - I just dont want to be a mess and for it all to be for nothing anyway;/

Thank you

I'm sure I read somewhere that more than 40 minutes travelling to have child contact would be considered unfair. How long does it take for him to drive the 14 miles?

Teeny

Its funny you say that about distance, because he is suddnely saying that with the traffic,it is taking him 1.5 hours each way, therefore collecting dd is a 3 hour round trip and that when you do this twice a week, dd is in his car for 6 hours of the contact time.

Remarkably, if I ever collect dd from him, it takes me half an hour to get there. Admittedly, i dont do this on a school morn, but he is categorically telling lies on this one. Oh, add that to the fact that he moved 6 miles in the opposite direction before I did, therefore he is partly responsible for the distance. I actually only moved 9miles from the address that I lived in before - but it works out at 14 in total from his house. He has told the court I created a 14 mile distance between him, completely leaving out the part where he moved first.

14 miles? It's hardly Australia is it?

Sadly, the Judge will have seen ALL this before so don't worry. If he is raising allegations about your fitness to parent but is content to leave your daughter living with you majority of time, then clearly he is a nob. Put up or shut up would be my attitude.

If you don't feel confident with your solicitor tell her. Get someone else in the firm or change firms.

Have shuttle mediation or say because of the nature of the allegations he is making you don't see how mediation can possibly work.

And insist at final hearing that he either withdraws his allegations against you or he has to prove them by giving evidence and being cross examined.

He sounds a bully, no more, no less. But however much I might not agree with the approach/decisions of certain judges I have never met a judge who could be bullied, and watching them deal with men like this in court is often a pleasure to behold.

lol @ spero - a pleasire to behold, thats cheered me up!

The only reservation I have about that is that he doesnt really come across as a bully in his every day dealings. He is more of a silent assasin and prefers the victim act. His original court app paints him as just that - the father who has been separated from his child by a malicous, onstructive unfit ex who moved 14 miles to deliberately create a distance between them. He made a big thing about my having no respect for his role in dd's life and every single solicitors letter bangs on about my lack of regard for his role in her life. I would say that this alone will form a large part of his case against me - my disregard for his opinion/choices/input etc. Thats where my sol is saying could go against me - of ex convinces them that he is just a frustrated dad wanting whats right for dd.

Could I ask if your ex works? is his court action private or publically funded?
Does your DD have any regular weekend activities? could I ask how old she is?
I totally agree that there needs to be a better screening process for applications - but I don't have the answer as to what/how that should be - but mediation isn't always an option and once you have had your initial consultation thingi (I am so technical) on your own, it may not even be suggested as being possible.
It just sounds like he doesn't suit him to have one night a week and he wants to swap it for a weekend but is he asking for a full (two nights) weekend 3 out of 4 weekends? or just one night on all or some weekends?
Please put aside the acusations that you are a rubbish Mum, I really think that his sol. should be advicing him that that will not go down well in court if they can't be proved and as someone else said if CAFCASS have already said they are not going to be involved then they can't think there is a risk? could I ask when and how they said that to you?
If you are so bad then why is he not asking for residence on those grounds? does that mean they are not that bad then or he doesn't want full residency just what he wants/when he wants it? mmmm

How old is your DD? Does she want to spend more weekends with her father? If he's claiming she's "acting up" it could be that she doesn't want to be with him and is playing him up so he won't want her. (That's what I did with my NRP, not all kids can think it through in that way)

DD is 5, he works full time. The court recently wrote to me to say that cafcass have dispensed with the case and they will not be present at our review hearing. dd does an activity on the weekends but she misses it on his weekend as he refuses to take her.

Also, he is asking for fri-mon 3 weekends out of 4. ( two on and one off) which would mean 3 weekends out of 8 for me.

My sol believes he no longer wants to have dd during the week entirely for his own reasons. He has also recently cut her maintenence to a mere pittance.

kirk - dd loves going there, no question, but she is happy with the set up as it is and hasnt expressed a desire to go there more. Neither myself or ex talk about any of this in front of dd, she hasnt a clue there is trouble between us, so isnt being coerced ifyswim.

Don't forget, it's not just his side of the story that gets aired. Answer his allegations in a calm, reasonable way, more in sorrow than anger type thing. Dd loves him, what a shame we can't seem to sort things out etc. but 3 out of 4 weekends manifestly unfair unless you are working weird shift patterns.

And surely the fact that he is misrepresenting the 14 miles as being all your fault when you can demonstrate that he moved away first is a point worth making - undermines his credibility even more.

I'd print out a google map and be able to say on what date he moved (approx) and then show when and where you moved.

For him, it is (I assume) his first court case. He has fired himself up in froth of righteous anger, he may even believe what he is saying. He certainly doesn't seem very well advised by his team.

Fr the judge, it will be his/her eleventy millionth case, all following same sad predictable pattern. Hurt parent seeking control, not so much fussed about child as making other parent look bad. Judges don't like that. No child should be made to feel one parent is bad. She should get to see as much as she reasonably can of both of you, bearing in mind she does need a main base and a primary carer.

I do not think the judge will change the contact arangements based on him just wanting it to be a different way.
Please try not to worry, I know that is easier said than done.
If he finds it too hard because he can't cope with things midweek no longer wishes to have the day midweek that is up to him. The extra weekend may just be to keep his payments down but I would not mention that in court.
I think the fact you also work full time and your weekends are precious quality time together with your DD will be enough for the judge. The weekends are currently split between you so that you both get that quality time with your DD and that is why you wish it to remain the same.
Keep the focus just on that in mediation - you don't need to justify anything else.

thanks better - I am trying to believe the judge will do the right thing, its the means by which he is trying to get his own way that I'm struggling with. Rather than admit he cant do the midweek for his own reasons, he is saying that its causing 'catastophic effects' for dd. He made a big thingin court and to cafcass about her behaviour and length of time spent in the car, how the driving not only causes her 'extreme exhaustion' but that its bad for her health, she gets car sick, it distresses her and is causing untold strain on the rest of the family as they have to organises the entire family/childcare arrangements/working hours around dd's collections. The man could win an OSCAR for how he has protrayed this 30-40 minute journey.

I am sure the judge will be interested to read all the medical reports which document the appalling physical and emotional stress caused by this arduous and harrowing journey of 14 miles in a car.

I think he has just talked himself out of ever getting midweek contact again and as he is very unkiley to get 3 out of 4 weekends he is backing himself into a corner and it looks like you will end up with more contact. No wonder cafcass said they don't need to get involved.

If he struggles to manage weekday care so much and is willing to put that in a legal statement - he is as daft as you know he is and not oscar winning - at the very least he has a very bad script!

It is so much easier to see how daft things sounds when you see it from afar - I really can't see a judge would do what he is suggesting for the reasons he is giving but they have thier off days!

When I worry about my own court case people don't understand why I worry as they see it clearer than me. Lets hope those outsiders are right eh!

I would concentrate on the why you have said no to 3 out of 4 weekends rather than even going there on the midweek - he has said that is not suitable to do the midweek night and as you are happy to have your DD that day - there is no problem there.

Loosing that day does not then constitue a reason for you to not spend time with your DD and for your DD to miss out on that quality time with you.

I sympathize - my ex claims he was 60 mins late for handover because he had to stand at a bus stop for ages. In a snowstorm. He lives a 15 minute walk away.

Just resign yourself - he is going to say bad things about you and make everything out to be your fault. That's the way these men operate. An unreasonable person is not suddenly going to start acting in a reasonable way. You just have to work on your expectations so that one day you'll be rolling your eyes and finding it almost laughable rather than getting agitated. (And I know, I know that's so much easier to say than do!)

Thank you all so much for your help. I am really going to try and get through the mediation by being as calm as I can and if I have to, take a tranquilliser before hand (ha). If it gets too much I will ask for shuttle mediation. I find it difficult to explain the effect he has on me and that makes me wonder if he really is emotionally abusive or if it's me.

Thanks again.

Tell ALL of this to the mediator. I trained as a mediator and they stressed throughout training you have to be on the look out for imbalance of power, abuse, bullying etc because this totally undermines what mediation is about. It is supposed to be helping two people on a level playing field reach a solution that they can both live with, thus saving the stress and expense of court.

It is NOT a playground for abusive bullies to trample over the more vulnerable party. If you don't feel comfortable being in the same room straight off that is fine.

The quality of mediators can vary - I personally went through mediation and felt very stung by the experience - it was a complete waste of time because I was far too emotional to deal with it and the mediator should have clearly seen that and assessed it in our initial meeting. I got the feeling they wanted my £200 however.

so if you don't feel comfortable with the process, you don't have to stick it out. The important thing is that you try and can explain to the Judge why it didn't work, if he asks.

Mediation isn't a panacea. It only works when both parties are genuinely motivated to reach agreement, not where one just wants to cause trouble or press for a wholly unreasonable outcome.

I've been through this with a friend. The important things are:
Don't speak to him on the phone - make him communicate in a written form as you can then keep it as evidence: Text / email / letter

Very importantly, make it clear that you think it is important for your DD to have access etc with her Dad. You need to take the moral high ground here.

Express concern at the distress apparently caused by the midweek visit. Personally, I would be inclined to suggest that you agree with Ex that midweek visit should be withdrawn as per his request. Then separately, offer alternative weekends as a fairly balanced arrangement - however as the travelling on weekdays is so detrimental to DD, it would be better that he collected her on a Saturday morning so that she is rested and ready for the journey and is not tired upon arrival at his house.....

Spero thanks. I don't believe for a second it will work. Ex has clearly been forced into it as have I. He never ever wanted to sit down and talk about anything- hence the initial request to change contact through a poxy text message. Neither of us are committed to the process of mediation as bad as that sounds- albeit for entirely different reasons. :/

listen to spero she knows this stuff

your ex sounds like a narcissist and it will be his downfall

he will crumble when it comes to the rub....he is nowhere near as clever as he thinks he is

oh, and it isn't you, it is him

I believe you

He is abusive i agree. if he cant control you now that you're his x he will use the system to control u.

it will be very hard i know but condense what you've told us here. repeat that he gave you 24 hours to agree to something and you felt railroaded. then this arrived on your doormat. i feel for you. my x called the police on me once. he ended up looking like a fool tho as he'd clearly used the police to give me a telling off and after they'd spoken to me they went back to him.....

And be reassured that his opinion of you is nowhere near as relevant as he thinks it is!!