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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting over infidelity

114 replies

newNN · 04/02/2013 14:23

Have posted before, under another name. Basically, I found out dh had been having inappropriate conversations with ow(plural), receiving dirty pictures from them, flirting with someone he met at work and just generally flirting on line with women he met through work etc.

He swears blind there was no sex and I do believe this. Discovery was about 8 months ago. He has been extremely apologetic, cut off all contact with these women (so far as I can possibly 'know'). He is completely aware of the devastation this has caused me - I got him to read the thread i had posted on previously. He says he wants to fix this, that he was weak and stupid and will never do this again. So he is making all the right noises.

The thing is, he has always been very good at saying all the right things and I never felt that he didn't love me (maybe that was arrogant of me, or maybe i was deluded in putting all that faith and trust in him in the first place). I know MN says to judge him by his actions rather than his words.

Sorry, I'm rambling a bit. He has recently changed jobs and i don't have his email username/pw for work email. My question is, should I insist on having this? I know that if someone is determined to cheat there are numerous ways to do this, so having access to all email etc wouldn't prevent this. I also think it is unhealthy to check up all the time. i could send myself mad, policing him. Would I be better just not insisting on having access to everything and forcing myself to trust, because he will either keep his promises or he won't.

Also, he is meeting a former colleague for coffee in the next couple of days. He says there was never anything inappropriate there and he won't go if i say not to. i have said to go ahead but deep down I want him to not go, but I also don't want to be telling him he can't have friends - that way madness lies.

I am so very angry still and hurt. i want to get over this bur don't know how. Has anyone gotten over this?If so, can you tell me how you did it.

My greatest fear is that i will trust him again and that he will throw it away like he did before and i will be back where i was emotionally 8 months ago. Couldn't cope with going through all this again. All advice gratefully received,

OP posts:
badinage · 05/02/2013 16:38

Does he have many close men friends?

Has anyone ever described him as a bit pompous and full of his own self-importance?

Does he judge women for the way they dress and act?

What does he think of feminism?

Original poster
newNN · 05/02/2013 16:44

I doubt there's anything on his laptop or phone. He's had loads of time to delete. I will tackle him about doing all the things in that article including handing over all passwords.

I think he is weak and fucked up, but I don't think he is fundamentally a bad person. He has done incredibly harmful things though There are personality traits that he has been trying to alter, like moodiness. I don't want to make excuses for him, but I don't want to entirely demonize him either. I see that he has to fix this and that I cannot and that it shouldn't be up to me to do all the work here.

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 05/02/2013 16:48

Eugh, he sounds just like my ex. Very much a Madonna/whore view of women, using texts/photos etc to prop up his ego and some serious self-loathing issues.

Original poster
newNN · 05/02/2013 16:48

Filthy was my word, not his. It was all about bring home from holiday and being ready to bounce up and down on his balls! He didn't assassinate the morals of the other woman, just said matter of fact that he thinks he wasn't the only one, to make me believe it wasn't a serious involvement emotionally.

Yes, I would say he can be arrogant.

He has always been respectful of women and quite feminist in attitude.

OP posts:
Original poster
newNN · 05/02/2013 16:57

Not sure if it is relevant, but his childhood was spent moving from place to place. He finds it easy to make friends quickly (a case of having to, as a child), but he didn't really have roots anywhere. Once he moved, he detached from previous friends and moved on quite quickly. Might explain how he could form these associations quite easily and how he could end them just as easily. I truly don't think there was anything deep there from his pov. As for them, his marital status was no secret. I was angry with them, but less so now. This is entirely on him.

He has repeatedly said that there was nothing wrong with me, this is not my fault, that he acknowledges all the issues are with him and that he hates himself for having done this. Believe me, there has been no hiding the effect of all this on me.

OP posts:
badinage · 05/02/2013 17:11

Well that's not my idea of filthy, but I wouldn't write that if I hadn't already done just that with the bloke or knew I was going to.

So no close men friends then?

What do you mean by respectful of women and quite feminist in attitude?

Original poster
newNN · 05/02/2013 18:17

I mean that he has never expressed sexist attitudes. He does have male friends too.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 05/02/2013 18:45

He has repeatedly said that there was nothing wrong with me, this is not my fault, that he acknowledges all the issues are with him and that he hates himself for having done this.

So what is he doing to address these issues?

fiventhree · 05/02/2013 19:03

Hi newNN,

I have been in a very similar situation- h cyber sexing and obtaining photos of women dressed and otherwise, and the attendant lying and manipulation . In his case it went on for 5 and a half years, to my certain knowledge.

I discovered it and he finally admitted it November 12.

I think I have accepted that I can never ever be certain I got the whole story - it is hard to understand how so many women were willing to send photos without a meet and on the basis of one off conversations, as he says. He admits to a couple of hundred women, and about 25 ish sending photos .

My instinct is that I don't have the full story and never will have. He did attend joint counselling for a few weeks with me but never really read up himself. His behaviour has changed a lot, however.

What I did notice from my own reading and thinking was that his behaviour towards me in a number of areas over many years had been selfish and far more sexist in practice than I had ever realised.

I have decided that I won't check up- I will look for those kinds of markets instead. And if I find anything at all on future, he is out for good. I won't waver on that, ever.

By the way, he says that what he did was about wanting to experience " power and control" over these women, which I believe, but which is pathetic given that it was hardly possible anyway, certainly not over the net, a dodgy attitude to women and just as likely some if them were hairy male truckers anyway!

Also I think this type of thing is more dysfunctional than an affair, especially a one off one, not that I'm saying an affair is better or easier to bear. That dysfunction may show itself elsewhere.

Good luck anyway. You are not alone.

Original poster
newNN · 05/02/2013 19:04

l have asked him to re read the article and do all the things it suggests. Just had long phone call in which I have said that the effort to fix this must come from him and not just from me.

He says there was little effort required wrt getting ow to send pics. Have to say that none of them strike me as shrinking violet types, so that would not entirely surprise me. Still, they wouldn't have done it without approaches from him and the thought of it physically hurts.

OP posts:
fiventhree · 05/02/2013 19:04

November 11, ie 14 months ago.

fiventhree · 05/02/2013 19:06

And markers, not markets! On a iPhone on a train!!

Original poster
newNN · 05/02/2013 19:07

Thanks for posting. It is horrible to think how many people are going about their normal business, with all this sadness bubbling underneath.

OP posts:
fiventhree · 05/02/2013 19:16

Nn, it is a marker of low self esteem on their part coupled with a sense of entitlement and in the case of my h a lack of empathy for others.

Those are the traits he needs to work on, and which are NOT easily hidden- they are visible personality traits.

However, they pre-existed your involvement in his life. You didn't cause it and can't cure it/ only he can.

The key issue for you is what kind of relationship you will settle for, and managing your boundaries to ensure you get it. In my case, I am not rigid and don't expect perfection, but I won't tolerate any lying or manipulation- and I have studied how to recognise it.

Also, for me, and I think it isn't the same for everyone, I will never get that blind trust back- he smashed it, and we will never quite have what we had before.

Seenenoughtoknow · 05/02/2013 19:17

A lot of people newNN - mumsnet has shown me that .

Seenenoughtoknow · 05/02/2013 19:19

Very good post fiventhree - I agree completely.

fiventhree · 05/02/2013 19:27

Ps re your initial question, feel free to ask for any email/ passwords you want, depending on where he works and data protection. But he will lie if he wants to - mine used to actually download and then delete later yahoo messenger on a thrice weekly basis, then cache clean. He also used private browsing .

He is also incredibly bright, and cautious. However, he slipped up eventually . They always do.

Looksgoodingravy · 05/02/2013 20:00

Yes transparency should be expected but like fiventhree pointed out there are ways of getting around this.

I later found out just how much porn dp had been looking at through the settings on his phone, every web page was still listed. Up until this point he didn't think he'd got an issue with porn and tbh my blinkered view didn't put the two together but there was no denying that once we scrolled through pages and pages of history there was an issue. This has now stopped although he could of course use private browsing.

The trust in our relationship is going to take a long time to build back again but my self esteem has slowly grown again so I'm taking small steps to work on the trust for which dp is totally supportive of.

Looksgoodingravy · 05/02/2013 20:03

And yes agree fiventhree I also won't put up with any form of lying, we've talked about this aspect of dp's personality and how it came all too easy to him, shocking really.

Doha · 05/02/2013 20:06

Repulsive man....

LilSheepie · 06/02/2013 21:28

Hello, I am new to this but just wanted to say that Ian strange (and slightly disturbing) way, this thread has given me some comfort.
I am at the start of this road, having found out 3 days ago that DH has been exchanging (urgh can hardly type this) sects with a girl he had a fling with before my time.
We have 2 young kids and I am in total shock. He hasn't really seemed to have any concept of why I am so distraught (have asked him to leave for a while) and says in his head it was totally separate from our marriage and life (withn2 young daughters). No idea what to make of that.
Reading this thread has made me understand that I am not overreacting and this IS as serious as I feel it is. Seeing the replies and support you have been receiving has given me some strength that I am not the only person in this situation, so I just wanted to say thank you and that I hope you get to the conclusion you want (whatever it may be) in the long run
Xxx

Original poster
newNN · 07/02/2013 07:53

Sorry you are going through this too

OP posts:
Original poster
newNN · 07/02/2013 09:37

This has made me question our whole past relationship. We have talked a lot and I have told him that I feel he has repeatedly lied to me and that although he always said the right things, his actions haven't supported those words and from now on I will be judging him on how he actually treats me, rather than blindly believing his words.

He says he did not meet his friend yesterday, that he phoned and cancelled. He routinely deletes phone records so I have to believe what he says. I have made it very clear that anymore lying is unacceptable to me - that I must have honesty even if it makes him nervous or uncomfortable. I cant be with him all the time, so have to choose to give him this one last chance to prove himself. But if he is untruthful just one more time, then I cannot stay.

He has promised to follow the steps in the article, so time will tell.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 07/02/2013 09:42

If he wants to be believed that he needs to be able to show you evidence and that means stopping this practice of deleting stuff. If he continues to do this, this means he is still not being honest.

Get his mobile bills - these can't be altered.

Seenenoughtoknow · 07/02/2013 10:27

Madabouthotchoc is right - he needs to stop deleting the records to show you he isn't lying. How can you judge that he is telling the truth about anything if there is no evidence either way?

I'm sorry, but I think he's probably still telling lies, because if he wasn't he would come home and proudly show you his phone record as proof he is on the right track and he would be desperate for you to acknowledge that. He is keeping you in the dark for some reason.

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