My DHs betrayal has knocked me sideways and I cannot function (OW and frozen sperm)

[Amouage]

I am a regular but haven't been on MN for a while because we just did the house up and the kids and and and...

I want to outline what has happened without giving too much away to out myself but hope you fellow MNers can help me see straight again.

We have 3 very young children. We moved countries 3 times in less then 6 years.

Yesterday I have found out that in the beginning of 2009 my husband got senselessly dunk on a flight, then hooked up with the air hostie and shagged her in that hotel room.

He said nothing else happened but back in our then living location she contacted him for money and he lent her some which she has subsequently paid back.

I have tried to contact her as she emailed him again 2 days ago (that's how I found out about it): It said: wishing you a blessed new year may it bring lots of happiness, blah blah. Then he writing back: so nice to hear from you, please don't lose my contact details.

She responds: I never will lose your details, I am very sorry about what happened. I never wanted us to end this way.

WEIRD???

I am going out here on a limb but I suspect he got her pregnant and she needed an abortion. I just know it. He cheated on his first wife (I found out from her AFTER we were married).

After I confronted him he admitted to the shag but nothing else. He blamed me for not being there as I had gone back to my parents for 3 weeks to pick our then baby daughter up and bring her home while we moved.

---

He then told me that he put sperm on ice for a female friend who came into his life after we were already an item. She made a massive play for him, she is an older, single rich trust fund babe inviting him to schmooze with royalty, vips, etc but when I got pregnant she basically settled for his sperm which he donated but she couldn't use as she wasn't physically well and is now in her mid to late 40ies.

I am trying to hold it together for my babies but he makes my skin crawl and I feel sick to the stomach.

To make matters worse we had agreed to try for a 4th baby and I may be pregnant. I am reeling, my world has folded and I don't know what to do.

We have no cash to spare, I can't move to my parents who have a tiny place and are both ill and old. I don't want to impose on them. I have no friends to run to, no one who can help.

I was so angry yesterday that I chucked a glass of red wine in his face and slapped him on the cheek only to find my 4 year old daughter standing behind me.

I know what I have done is wrong. i don't want to damage my girls.
Please can anyone advice me? I am shaking as I write this.

This has got nothing to do with you and everything to do with him! Keep this in mind when he's trying to twist this nightmare into being your fault!

He sounds utterly selfish and tbh I think he's probably done this for so long now I don't think he'd have it in him to change.

You now need to decide what you want to do. Where do your parents live now? Could you speak to them about this and get some support?

I think you may have buried your head about this, totally understand, the awful truth is sometimes hard to face but I think now it's time to get tough and look after you & your dc.

Only you can decide deep down what you'd be happy doing. Only you can decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life wondering what he's up to or whether you can live with that uncertainty.

FWIW I'm still with my partner of 17 years after I found out he cheated on me last year but he's been remorseful and has been completely open about what happened. He's not blamed me at all. It's been hard but we're working through it. This is just to put into perspective that if I thought that your 'd' h sounded remorseful I wouldn't be almost encouraging you to LTB, I wouldn't suggest this lightly!

I think your 'd' h needs counselling but I doubt he'd go.

It needs saying again.

This bloke isn't just a cheat. Sexually unfaithful men, although bad partnership material, can still be decent, law-abiding citizens.

Not so this man.

He sexually harassed a woman and forced her out of her job.

The cheating is the least of this, in my view.

Well that local girl ge had a coffee with, he tried to put her up for a position in the company he was working for at the time. I found out and hit the roof, i told his boss (used to work in same industry) and soon after he was let go.

So cut my nose off to spite my face butI was too angry and I told him he needs to go look for a moral compass and integrity within himself. Clearly he possesses neither.

There is a Diakonie and Caritas not far from me. I will make an appointment tomorrow.

I am definitely angry, I smashed his fricking shitty laptop today with all those shit pics and links on it. I just need some guidance how to ope with the anger and upset. And him blaming ME makes my blood boil.

I don't want my children to see or hear anything that goes on. I just want to crawl under a stone and pretend I never heard anything of it.

Badinage, there is a big element of control and him abusing that power.
I was shocked but just weeks ay from giving birth and now it seems like so long ago and far away yet with all those nasty news it has caught up ith me and though individually the puzzle pieces are bad, together they form a very nasty picture of a man who learly thinks the world iwes him some. I'm pretty sure it's clinical. He sores real high on the psychopath score.

Scores, not sores, sry

Looksgood, thank you for sharing your experience. My H is definitely not like yours. A druen shag as such I am almost willing to forgive and forget but all these snippets combined form a real nightmare. I wonder how I could go so wrong?

Any of us could go so wrong, Amouage, it's not your fault.

I'm pretty sure it's clinical. He sores real high on the psychopath score.
I wonder how I could go so wrong?

If he is high on the psychopath score then there is nothing you could have done. These people are clever, often far cleverer than the average person (not saying you are stupid, I hope ykwim). They are analytical, logical, result driven and can go from A to Z without worrying what they hit in between. They are charming and can be whatever they need to be to achieve their ends, their true self only comes out rarely. They are a different species.

All you can do is work to get you and your DC out of this horrible life safely and happily.

We are with you xx

I think the maid story would have been enough for me to have kicked is lying, sneaky, unfaithful ass to the kerb without any of the other stuff. Without sugar coating anything this man is a compulsive liar and you will have a much better life without him. Good luck x

What country did you get married in and have you lived in the UK since getting married / having children? I understand German divorce / maintenance have changed in recent years and not in favour of women I'm afraid. What about equity in your home? You definitely need to get legal advice. Horrible situation but I'm sure it will get better - 32 is no age at all. Good luck.

We married in the UK, yes we lived there afterwards.

German divorce laws are harsh on women, you have to work full time when your youngest turns 3. it is very hard to find work when you are a LP with 3 small children. I had previously tried to find part time work but received only rejection letters. My parents are too old and ill to be of any help beyond an afternoon's babysitting.

Childcare is scarce and the private ones I won't be able to afford unless I want to throw away my entire net salary.

I really ought to find out where I stand financially because I don't want to trap my kids in poverty. I would like to move on from a position of strength. They shouldn't be the ones suffering for my mistakes of chosing such a man.

Oh God I just found out that my eldest has said that Daddy hit mummy.

Shit, what do I do now?

I slapped him in the face. She was standing behind me and I dint see it.

I am in bits. I find this so hard but I dont want this to affect her. She is 4.

OK - what you can do now is accept that you hit him, tell DD (but only if she mentions it again) that Mummy and Daddy were having a big argument, that it's grown up stuff, nothing to do with her or anything she did and that you love her very much; and that the grown ups will be working very hard on putting things right.

Now, "putting things right" doesn't necessarily mean 'reconciling at all cost'. You have had the most enormous shock and need to recognise that you (and your body) have gone into crisis mode. You need to make the effort to remember to eat and sleep. Fortunately, the demands of DC are a help here - they force you to continue with a semblance of day to day life.

But you need to think too about how very hard it is to deal with him whilst you are still in the very early stages of processing the information you now have. This is why the advice here is so often to separate (temporarily or enduringly) as you may well do better with time and space to think without his presence disturbing you, or new discoveries crashing through on a timetable that is not of your choosing.

You are in difficult circumstances in terms of the practicalities, but is there a way in which you can secure a separation? And does the thought of time away from him to start rebuilding yourself seem like a relief?

Thank you Meditrina. I was shocked by the revelations but when he then started pointing the finger of blame at me, nonchalantly standing there I slapped him hard on the cheek. I turned around to find my 4 year old standing about a meter and a bit away.

I tried to smoothe it over but I am sure she heard us shout that's why she snuck out of her bedroom downstairs.

I am worried I have damaged her by her witnessing this. I have since not let my mask slip, kept the routine and tried to be civil. It is so hard but he is refusing to move out and I haven't got the option either.

I am stuck here having to endure him, he works from home.

I would love for him to leave. He has often travelled and I have found the kids calmer and the house more tranquil without him. I wouldn't even describe him as a good dad. He is awfully temperamental and fussy and over-eggs everything. Spending time with the children means he chillaxes on the sofa while they run amok in the living rooms while the TV is on.

Hearing the odd row will not cause lasting damage. And for heavens sake, you didn't do it on purpose, and the shittiness of what you are learning could cause a saint to lash out.

But staying in a home where you are regularly witnessing bitter rows several times a week, or (worse) consistent low level sniping, chilliness and lack of consideration/kindness, will have a corrosive effect. And that is why you need to think about what you want life to be like in the future.

A mask of civility only takes you so far: and indeed well done for putting one in place whilst you sort out the basic admin. But it's not a long term solution (not even really one to count on in the medium term either).

Thank you Meditrina, your words mean so much to me. I just cannot confide in anyone outside MN. I have made an appointment with the diakonie, which ill give counselling and advice. I just need to be careful what i say, the last thing i need is social services to come and investigate.

I agree children are very sensitive and especially my youngest is very very observant. I am toying with the idea of sending her to my mum and dad for a few days. She is no hassle at all for them because she is already very independant. They just can't cope with all 3 or the two little ones.

Do you think this is a good idea or do you think she will feel pushed away?

"I have always put out when asked to"

This man is clearly very toxic, you and your Dc will be much better off without him. I know it seems very difficult now, but you can do it. xx

My younger ones are 2 1/2 and 18 mths old.

Your DD will probably enjoy some special time with her GP's - its all about how you "sell" it to her - "Do you want to have a special adventure with Granny? You are big enough now but the others are too little" etc etc

I know Sorry, but what didn't I do for him. I feel so stupid now. I put everything in my life on hold, my job, we moved and I lost friends, I have no hobbies, etc.

My mum babysits twice a week when the kids are in bed so I can go to the gym to improve my 'sagging' backside and 'huge' tummy.

Thanks, that sounds like a good idea. The others aren't so observant and they still sleep lots. But my eldest is sensitive and she is of an age where she can and might remember

I don't think you're anywhere near the truth yet OP...

Hes clearly had at least two long term affairs while hes been with you, and who knows what else.

You do sound gullible. This sort of man seems to deliberately pick innocent women who won't spot the red flags, and then make them financially dependent on them.

Your only real solution is to get away from him asap and take entire responsibility for your own life and that of your family...easier said than done. In reality, you will probably be subjected to more of his lies and half truths and become even more controlled by him...you really should get away from him before you become even less able to.

LessMissAbs, I know I sound like a daft wallflower, I am actually not like this in RL, I can shout and be strict and hold my own. I think if I were a friend and saw my H through the eyes of her, then I would be a lot more cynical.

It's not so easy to be black and white and full of resolve when you are neck deep in it yourself and have young children to consider.

Yes I am probably in denial. I would just like to find more facts but I don't know how to. I definitely need a break from him, he is trying to wear me down.

Is your husband German or British?

Do you have assets? Is it worthwhile getting your saggy backside across to Britain where the ancillary relief part of divorce is fair to you as a woman?