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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

so i've told him its over

11 replies

Ballyk · 04/02/2013 13:29

has been for ages, my head and my hearts not in it. Its all such a big mess. We split up a few years ago and after a couple of years got back together a first it was good and now its just shit. I cant live like this anymore i'm fed up and lonely and feel i'm wasting my life. I told him all this the other night and he said i'm stuck with him. He loves me wants it to work doesn't want to leave the children.but then says he doesn't like me, wishes I was different, nicer, happier did more for him. I feel such a bitch but feel if I stay much longer I'll go insane.
I've told him this many times and nothing ever changes feel like i'm going round and round in circles.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/02/2013 13:51

"....wishes I was different, nicer, happier did more for him"

Conditional love is no kind of love at all. You're not stuck with him, there's a whole world out there where women are independent, happy, raising children, and not wasting time with men that don't like them and wish they were different. Are you married? Do you have RL support?

Original poster
Ballyk · 04/02/2013 13:59

Hi
Yes we are married got married very young. I have rl support great friends who I know will support me whatever I decide.
I have tried talking to my mum about how i feel, which is quite a big deal for me to ask her for advice. Her advice was that I am selfish only thinking of myself not the children, she wouldn't support my in any way if I left, even after I told her that I had visited the doctors 2 weeks ago and she diagnosed me with depression I was still told to stop thinking about Apparently marriage is hard and shit but children come first and I should stay and deal with it, made my bed and all that

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/02/2013 14:14

So your Mum will be giving back her Marriage Guidance Diploma then :) I'm always staggered at the response of some women that 'marriage is shit... but I put up with it, ruined my life and so should you'. Take no notice.

Original poster
Ballyk · 04/02/2013 14:23

Thanks I will
I should have learnt by now she's not the best person to go to for support.
But she did make me think am I being selfish

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/02/2013 14:28

If anyone's being selfish it's the person insisting you should follow them over the same cliff. A generous person would say 'don't make the same mistake I did'... wouldn't they?

Original poster
Ballyk · 04/02/2013 14:37

Yes I agree they would.
I need to leave just don't know were to start! He won't go and I really don't think he's taking me seriously about us wanting to separate. I just feel like i'm not getting anything out of this marriage anymore except upset, boredom and loneliness Sad

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/02/2013 14:40

If you're married a good place to start is often with the legal side of things. Some solicitors offer a free half-hour initial consultation where you can get all kinds of information about the possibilities open to you in terms of rights and responsibilities, finances, accommodation, access to children. Even if you don't go straight to divorce, it can be really useful to have that knowledge backing you up.

frustratedashell · 04/02/2013 15:44

you are not being selfish. You are not stuck with him, how dare he say that! Agree with cognito

Lovingfreedom · 04/02/2013 15:50

Would you like a new nickname like mine? .... sorry OP but your mum is talking shite. It's your life...you can make choices. Your DC will be better off too if their mum is happy and in control of her own life. Good luck....

Original poster
Ballyk · 04/02/2013 15:57

lovingfreedom- I would love a nickname like yours Smile
Thankyou
think I need to take control of my life and be happy, anyone else been through anything similar and come out the other side

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 04/02/2013 16:03

Yes!! Loads of people on MN...
Seriously...it's shit when you're at the stage you are when you want to do something, but you're run down/depressed and don't know what to do but it does get better. Cogito's advice to speak to a solicitor is worth taking on board - all the emotional stuff will take some time...but it's very useful to know what you need to do in practical terms then you can plan. Even if you make the plan for sometime in the future you will probably feel better.....It's better to see a mountain in front of you that you can start thinking about climbing than still be worrying that there might be a mountain somewhere in all that fog but you haven't a clue how big it is or what it's made of.

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