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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shit. I just told him I am leaving.

30 replies

BrittaPerry · 04/02/2013 12:26

Shit shit shit.

Been thinking it for a while (at least six months on and off, probably more) but he is a good friend, I like him, I just don't want to be married to him. I don't love him.

I'm staying at my parents anyway for another reason, 200 miles away (looking after my nana while they were on holiday) with the kids, who are 5 and 3 and diwnstairs with my dad. (They are home educated)

Shit.

I sent him a facebook message with some details on of what I think we shoukd do over the next three months, until our lease runs out on our house. Just a trial separation for now.

Then I rang him and told him.

Shit shit shit.

I don't kow if he has a shift at work today or not. Feel mean.

Last night he just made an innocent throwaway comment about his ex, and for some reason it just caused all my feelings to start spilling out.

Argh.

OP posts:
Moominsarehippos · 04/02/2013 12:27

How did he take it?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/02/2013 12:29

There's no nice way to end a relationship. At least it's out in the open now and you can both start to work towards the future.

Original poster
BrittaPerry · 04/02/2013 12:37

He's not happy. We are meant to be moving back to our original home town (where my parents live) in a couple of months. I have no idea if he will still move, he is accusing me of only wanting to move so it is easier to split up.

I have wanted to move for literally years. At Christmas I old him I was moving with or without him, but I must have got to a place where we were nearly over to even think that, but he is shocked. I don't think he thought I was serious. He never thinks I am serious.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/02/2013 12:47

So are you genuinely leaving or is this an extreme tactic to be taken seriously? What would you actually like to happen next?

Original poster
BrittaPerry · 04/02/2013 12:53

I am genuinely leaving.

What I want to happen is for me o find a house with the kids in this town (the one we are moving to) and for him to also move back to this town and be an involved dad. And for him to be calm and not a twat while we sort things out.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/02/2013 13:03

You can't realistically expect him to relocate if he wasn't keen on the idea in the first place. Also, it's an emotionally stressful process splitting up and people can behave very out of character when upset. 'Being a twat' sort of comes with the territory.

Cassarick · 04/02/2013 13:06

You sent him a Facebook message? Really????

Original poster
BrittaPerry · 04/02/2013 13:11

I rang him, but I knw that he wouldn't take it in, so I sent him details written down.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrittaPerry · 04/02/2013 13:12

I couldn' do it face to face as I am too scared of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrittaPerry · 04/02/2013 13:14

a thread explaining better

OP posts:
TheFallenNinja · 04/02/2013 13:15

Facebook message? Then a call to make the point? Yikes, pretty stone cold. Still, I don't suppose there's an easy way to do it.

Being a twat in these circumstances is pretty unavoidable as you both seek to do your own thing, odds are that they will be entirely opposite. Baton down the hatches.

mummytime · 04/02/2013 13:29

Having read the other thread. You don't have "minor" reasons to split but pretty big ones: he says he's an alcoholic, he's cheated on you, you can't rely on him to keep a job, he brings little money in, he has barely spoken to the kids in the month you have been appart.

Facebook does seem a bit cold, but just keep going and get rid of him. Get yourself good legal advice, and sort out your life apart from him.

Original poster
BrittaPerry · 04/02/2013 14:31

I'm not sure I need legal advice...do I? We have no assets or anythng.

I'm kind of roboically doing the housework and looking after the kids.

He just posted on his fb wall that he is clling in sick, he can't breathe or focus.

Sad
OP posts:
Bobbybird40 · 04/02/2013 14:34

Who's the other bloke?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/02/2013 14:35

You may need legal advice for things like access to and maintenance for the children.

Original poster
BrittaPerry · 04/02/2013 14:37

What other bloke?

OP posts:
Original poster
BrittaPerry · 04/02/2013 16:39

Really hitting home now.

Fuck.

What can I do practically?

When my mum gets back from work I need to ask if I can stay at hers for a while. I should be straight and with a deposit etc saved by April, so I'm thinking of offering £500 a month rent (to include bills etc) which will leave me with about £1000 to pay off debts, buy food etc and save up deposit and moving costs and maybe even a bit extra for furniture etc. It also gives me some support and the children somewhere familiar for the first couple of months.

I'm not asking my dad, because he is really bad with emotional situations.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrittaPerry · 04/02/2013 18:04

I feel sick :-(

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/02/2013 18:22

OP you've thought about this for ages, it was not an impulse decision. A lot of people think their partners will shut up if they ignore them or talk over them. As I see it, your DH will either respond by coming to see you to talk things through or he'll give up, stay put and give you the silent treatment.
As long as you do not try and hide or deny DH access to the DCs, things can get sorted out. Do get legal advice.

I wish you had discussed practical matters with your mum first but please find out where she stands on this. If she is worried about your nana she might see your return at this point as the last thing she needs.

garlicblocks · 04/02/2013 18:36

I've just read a bit of your other thread, and see that your parents were going to get lodgers. If you're sure you don't need to claim housing benefit, it seems like a good idea to lodge with them :)

It's really clear how much better supported you feel in your home town! Go for it, and good luck.

This: I couldn't do it face to face as I am too scared of him says everything. Of course your feelings for him; shared history and everything, can't turn off like a tap. But I bet your MH problems will ease up and you'll find your life too full for much regret.

Original poster
BrittaPerry · 04/02/2013 19:20

My mum is late home because her work s being inspected :-(. Don't think I can tell her now, she will be stressed.

My nana basically had a nervous breakdown when my uncle got divorced, and he had no kids...

OP posts:
Original poster
BrittaPerry · 04/02/2013 19:27

My friend is very kindly watching my kids tomorrow morning so I can ring the bank etc and get m own private account (he already has one of his own)

Then I think all the benefits and tax credits. I was hoping that we could have a trial where we stayed 'officially' the same where we tested out living apart, but he was offended by that.

Then the landlord, to see if they will let us out of the contract in March instead of April.

Actually, rent is at the beginning of the rent period it covers, yeah? So even if they make us stay the full time that is only the payment at the end of feb and the one at the end of march to deal with. That is doable.

OP posts:
garlicblocks · 04/02/2013 19:29

You were thinking to help more with your nana while you're there, weren't you? Would you be able to cope with her laying heavy burdens of anachronistic censure on you?

Actually, with Nana taking divorces personally and Dad being "not good with emotions", I'm wondering whether a move to your parents is the best thing for you and DC? The last thing you need is more abuse, even it is more subtle than what you've left ...

Original poster
BrittaPerry · 04/02/2013 19:30

He has given me the account number for the council tax/housing benefit, so I can ring them, but he took the huff before he would read the meters. No worries, it isn't urgent.

This is a university town, so luckily the decline in student numbers has left loads of cheap rental houses and landlords that are desperate and will consider housing benefit tenants.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrittaPerry · 04/02/2013 19:35

Oh, I'm used to my nana, I spent my childhood being looked after by her. Being divorced can't possibly be worse than a) having the kids before I got married in the first place and b) being an atheist who teaches my kids about evolution Grin

I've been at my parents for six of the last eight weeks, and basically have come across as much as I could since we moved (once a month or so for a few days at a time) so I'm pretty much ok with it. My sisters and extended family are usually hanging about at some point in the week too.

Its that or go back to DH anyway.

OP posts:
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