Controlling DH. Ringing counsellor this afternoon.

[Lahti]

Hi all,

I recently posted here with this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1662463-Am-I-being-unreasonable
On your advice I bought the Lundy book which was an eye opener. Anyway my employer offers counselling sessions and I am ringing back for an assessment this afternoon. I just feel sick, what if I am just being over sensitive?
We had RELATE counselling 5 years ago and 1 of the things they said was that my loyalties should now lie with my DH but how can that be right when he hates them and I rarely see them. Also when he had an EA they wanted me to leave him then. Aargh so confusing.
Right time to stop rambling and do the school run.

Bumping this for you. Hope the appointment booking goes well and helps you. Sounds like Relate did not get it right.

From your last thread I don't think you're being oversensitive. A man that is only OK with you when you back down and he gets his own way is a controlling man. A man that has a non-sexual affair with someone is not someone that respects you. Don't forget that, even if you were being oversensitive, you're entitled to feel the way you feel. If you are unhappy and feel hemmed in that is how you feel. You don't have to justify your emotions.

Lahti,

You are not being over sensitive at all - your H has done a bang up job on you to date of doubting your own self.

Not all that surprised to read that Relate were not of any use and they are no good anyway in abusive relationship situations. Joint counselling is a complete non starter here anyway as abusive men make it always all out to be the other person's fault. They also use such sessions as a further stick to beat their victim (in this case you) with.

Why have you stayed given his overall attitude towards you and his emotional affair?. What do you get from this relationship now?.

How do you feel about divorcing this man?.

Thanks for the replies.
ATTILA I don't really know what I get from the relationship but I have been with him for so long and with only non serious boyfriends before so I don't even know what I should be getting iykwim.
I remember thinking that some things were a bit 'off' before we got married but my mum made out I was too fussy. She doesn't think that now.
RELATE mentioned a lot of stuff about how our upbringing affects our relationships which I can definitely see in my case but that makes it harder to see the wood for the trees as I don't feel I can trust my judgement or ask for anything without feeling greedy.

Re divorce - I would if I was convinced it was the right thing to do but that is the problem, I need convincing. Family are 250miles away and only 1 close freind who is heavily pregnant at the moment ( she is the one who pointed out his controlling ways to me) so not many people to talk to.

I remember wanting to leave 5 years ago but thinking it was a waste of 7 years if I did. We went to RELATE all was good for a while but now heading back to how it was before so it is now 12 years wasted but I now have a DD which just makes everything so much harder.

It's not 12 years wasted as you have your DD.

" I don't feel I can trust my judgement or ask for anything without feeling greedy."

I think you can tie yourself up in knots if you rely on comparisons -especially if you have very little with which to compare. The important questions to ask yourself are things like..... am I able to be 100% myself in this relationship, saying and doing what I please or am I restricted?..... do I feel loved, supported and encouraged in being myself or do I feel obliged to modify my behaviour in order to get approval?

There is a half-way house between marriage and divorce and that's the concept of a trial separation. Sometimes, if being with one person is all you've ever known and your sense of self is quite weak, it can be highly beneficial to spend some time independent of your partner, try it on for size and see how you manage and how you behave when no longer under their influence.

Well I gave them a call. She seemed very sympathetic and I understand it is hard over the phone. She said it sounded like I was walking on egg shells and gave me a few phrases to use when DH is being awful. She also pointed out that my DH seems to have rude as his default setting and I needed to be realistic as to what I would like if I stayed. I think i i will ring back again next week and be a bit more prepared as it was basically a 'just do it' moment today.