Facing life as a single mum... Again.

[Cocolollip]

Where do I begin? I'm new to this site today, after trying to be strong for a couple months, I'm ready to admit defeat and seek some support.

I'm 27 with two DD aged 10 & 7 from a previous relationship, I'm 35 weeks into my pregnancy with my third DD and have found myself all on my own again.

What I thought was a happy and meaningful relationship turned out to be something I'd obviously conjured up in my imagination. DP and I were due to marry in April, everything booked and almost all paid for.
Although it didn't take too much persuasion as broodiness had well and truly set in, a baby before the wedding was the idea of DP.
In what I thought was a happy baby making bubble we started TTC and luckily fell pregnant almost straight away.

Although he worked I was the full timer as my job was better paid and had better prospects. He was happy to work around the DC school hours and as he had a DS from a previous relationship he had full custody of this was something he did before our relationship.

Anyway, moving forward to November '12 after what felt like a couple of awkward and tense weeks - we didn't really argue, but we didn't seem to be getting on too well either. I had been diagnosed with pre-natal depression (I had PND with my second DD) and it seemed that instead of his support, I was in fact coping with supporting him instead.
After a very awkward morning I took my two DD to my sisters for the afternoon to get away from the atmosphere, whilst there I received a text message from DP saying he and his son would be gone before I got back.

Since he's been gone - and that's only just a couple months, he's now in a new loving relationship and doesn't want to be involved in my baby's life. His last message I received just a few days ago said 'hi, just want to clear a few things up. I know you have a lot of hatred for me but I'm curious as to what you want from me when this baby is here, if you want me to keep my distance then say so we're both clear'
I replied basically saying how I won't stop him from being a part of our daughters life but I want to know he'll be there reliably for her and not just as and when it suits him... And I've not heard from him since.

I'm pretty sure he wanted me to tell him to stay away.. Think that would have made it easier for him..

Now I'm on mat leave and have only approx 5 weeks remaining.. I'm terrified. My DD father was around for both of them and still is now, so this is a new experience.

X

You're in the right place for some support here. I'm not in your situation (although I am a lone parent with a 10 year old son, who was left for an OW last summer), but there are lots of women on here suddenly facing pregnancy alone.

You sound very strong and together, but you get sick of having to be strong sometimes, don't you? I am so sorry you are in this position now and your ex sounds like a coward. Even if you're the higher earner, get the CSA involved to ensure he at least pays maintenance for your DD. If he doesn't want to be involved, that's his loss ultimately.

Keep posting and stay strong.

Hand holding and sending strength and support. I haven't anything wise or useful to add, but just wanted to say you won't be alone on here xxxx

Hi, I just want you to know that your not alone.

My DP left me last week, after 9 years. Im due in 12 weeks with my first baby, Ive been crying all day today.

Its bloody scary, but please keep talking to us xxxxxx

Wow - it's so humbling to know there are other people willing to hear you and share support, sunshine especially as its still so raw for yourself. How is your ex being towards you and your baby?

Some days I feel strong, others I just want to curl up under the duvet and not face anything, especially now as I'm on mat leave.

Although he's made it easier for me to not miss him so much by the way he's behaved and treated me.. I miss what we had, ie home life, company etc.. I've not gained much weight in this pregnancy - I barely have a bump. That's not because I've stopped eating purposefully, but I suppose with lifestyle changes It's taken a bit of neglect.

I just don't know how I'm going to be when baby is here. Will my PND get worse? How will I feel whilst sat up in bed alone doing the midnight feeds?

All I really truly want is to be the best I can for my girls, but what if my depression makes their lives a misery? I'm good at putting a front on for their sakes and I'm just getting by day to day without medication (my choice) but there are times when I'm snappy and short with them and ultimately hating myself for it.

X

OP you wouldn't try to get by without medication or treatment if it was any other illness, and it is an illness. So if it worsens please don't let misplaced pride stop you taking meds.

I havnt heard from him since Tuesday, & Im trying not to contact him.

He was so excited about the baby, but I found a whole heap of stuff showing his double life involving his ex.

Im in shock still.

I cannot understand how people can be so cruel?
Surely they know how hurt & devestated we are?

Try & eat if you can, maybe just cereal/milkshake/yoghurts.
Its a horrible place to be in OP, im thinking of you x

lubey that's exactly what my GP said.. It is something I'm seriously considering. I'm just scared of becoming dependant on them.

sunshine I ask myself all the time how people can be so cruel, and I just can't get my head around how he can be so willing to give up on his DD before she's even born. I just can't comprehend it.
He too was excited about the baby, now he's so wrapped up in his new life we've just been brushed aside.
So is there any chance of reconciliation between you two, would you forgive him for the things he's done?

X

well again sometimes with other illnesses people are dependent on their meds - it is exactly the same as for example someone with a bad back problem potentially needing painkillers long term. No different at all.

I've had a few different ones in my time, and as it happens have come off them with no problem and been fine for years and years since. But I wouldn't hesitate to take them long term if it was needed. Do be kind to yourself x

I'm so sorry coco and to you too sunshine - utter bastards the both of them.

coco try not to worry too much about taking meds - they're there for a reason.
It isn't through weakness that the many millions do take them, its for necessity and the hope that they'll help them through difficult times.
I took them myself for PND, although I feel I was more typically depressed due to a fecked up, miserable relationship with my exH. I took them for a very long time but once I sorted out my life (namely got rid of said exH) I found it quite easy to come off them after all that time, I've never went back on them neither and I've been tested and pushed to my limits, believe me! but I now try to manage my mood/mental health in different natural ways now..... basically what I'm trying to say but I'm waffling :) is - if you think they could help you = take them!
Look after yourself x

I dont think I could trust him again xx

dondon thank you. It's nice to hear of people that's taken them successfully. I do feel like you that if you can try and cope with things naturally then all the better, I've always thought if there's things in life that make you feel depressed then try and change those certain things, sometimes you just need that extra boost though I suppose and if I feel I'm not coping too well trying to get by on my own, or I'm going downhill then I'll reconsider my options.

sunshine I totally understand what you mean.. Once that trust is gone there is rarely any chance of getting it back. I'm a naturally trusting person and always go into a relationship with a fresh perspective, and almost always get shat on! If your ex hasn't even bothered to see how you've been in almost a week then he doesn't deserve you.

X

You'll be fine. I have an 8 and 4 yo and my xp (not their dad) left me last year when we had a 2 month old. It's taken me a good 6 or 7 months to be fair to get used to it, it's so so hard when it's not your choice to split. But you'll be fine. The thing that snapped me back to reality was 'well, why would I want someone in ym life that didn't want me and my fabulous dc in it too?' At first that sounds twee, and I hated everyone saying to me that he was the one missing out, as in my eyes all he was missing out on was hard work and sleep deprivation. But now I see they were right. I have this great little family, just me and the dc. And they are amazing. He lives with his mum and dad. Enough said. Fwiw, I took antidepressants in a previous pregnancy, and after the birht too. It was fine and I thoroughly recommend taking anything that gets you through x

That's the best way Coco keep your mind open to it.

Well done MN Fwiw - your reality check sounds good to me - it's true!

Coco and sunshine, I was 8 months pregnant when DH ditched me. I was also left homeless as he owned the house (I had moved in with him).
I was terrified but threw myself in to house hunting and making my home and a nursery etc that those last few weeks went by in a blur. Before I knew it some nice lady was placing my DS in my arms and in that moment my broken heart was mended as it was filled with such love for this tiny bundle. From that day on I never gave my ex another tear. That was 8 years ago.
If I can do it, then you certainly can.