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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Feels surreal!!!!

14 replies

Stranger88 · 02/02/2013 19:45

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I called the police on my husband tonight. The married is definitely over now as my kids were witnesses to potential violence and I need to let them know that men can't loss their temper like that.

Anyway, he didnt hit me but nearly did, I called the police before he could.

My concern now is my kids, a pre teen and a toddler. My main concern and worry is my pre teen and how this will affect him. My husband is not the father of my preteen, but the father of the toddler.

Sorry I don't know what else to write, my head is all over the place.

I didn't press charges and no action will be taken.

But the relationship is over and he is looking for a hotel to move into.

OP posts:

VitoCorleone · 02/02/2013 19:58

Are you ok? (stupid question)

Has he gone?

SweetSeraphim · 02/02/2013 19:58

What happened Stranger? Are you alright?

MamaFab · 02/02/2013 20:00

what is the concern? the loss of stepdad, future contact with stepdad, relationship with stepdad, or the affects of seeing him be violent toward you?

I think you have done the right thing to minimise any damage. you've made it clear that type of behaviour is unacceptable, and you've shown your children that they, and their safety, come first. You've also removed the person causing harm.

I think if you had not called the police, or remained in the relationship, then the affects on your children would be far worse.

Original poster

Stranger88 · 02/02/2013 20:05

Thanks mama fab, that's what I think to. My preteen said, he doesn't want to lose another father. His bio father hasn't been in contact since he was 4.

I will arrange some counselling for him, but desperately need some advice folks on how ensure he's not too affected.

OP posts:

WhatALark · 02/02/2013 20:09

You must be in shock.

It's too much to take in in one day.

Just think of the short-term tonight. You've done the right thing by your children.

Original poster

Stranger88 · 02/02/2013 20:12

Yes, I am.

OP posts:

WhatALark · 02/02/2013 20:13

Sorry, that sounded wrong. I didn't mean to sound dismissive of your very understandable concerns. I just meant you've had a massive day and your thoughts must be all over the place. Sorry you're gong through this. I'm sure you'll get loads of good support and advice on here. Xx.

WhatALark · 02/02/2013 20:15

Have you got any plans for tomorrow? Do you have family or friends nearby who know what's going on?

Original poster

Stranger88 · 02/02/2013 20:23

No family, I am ok not worry about me. Calling the police has shocked and angered him, so know he won't do anything. I'm not scared of him.

I'm glad everything is in my name with a manageable mortgage. But just worried for my preteen.

I'm sorry all, I know I'm not giving enough info, but finding it difficult to put put my thoughts down.

OP posts:

venusandmars · 02/02/2013 20:27

You have done the right thing, and arranging counseling for your ds is good too - he will have a place to speak about things (that he might not want to talk to you about) and he will get professional support.

Will you allow your (ex)h to see your son? If you feel that is a safe thing to do, the reassure your ds that he can still have a relationship with him. And be clear what you think will be acceptable in terms of your younger child having contact with him too.

Talk to your son (in a calm way if you can) about the non-tolerance of violence. Try to be factual rather than emotive about what has happened.

Do as much as you can to provide a home that feels safe and calm and loving.

If your (ex)h contacts you, try not to let anything blow-up while your ds can see it or hear it. If meetings / discussions have to be had, then hold them away from home (and somewhere that is very safe and supportive for you).

Whatever temporary upset is caused by this, know (really know in your heart, with all your certainty) that it is so, so much better than the upset and traum that would be caused to you and your dc if you had not ended things tonight.

And most importantly, do not allow your husband back into your life. However difficult it is, however remorseful he appears, whatever financial and life pressures are upon you, please, please stick with the strong decision you have made.

Original poster

Stranger88 · 02/02/2013 20:48

Yes, I will be holding on to that. He is a controlling person and very abusive.
He would not want anything to do with my son as he didnt have that much of a relationship with him even though my son adores him.

I know I did the right thing, he said I provoked him. So because I provoked him, he can threaten me and attempt to beat me up.

OP posts:

anxious80 · 02/02/2013 21:14

Stranger88: I know exactly how u feel . I had to do the same with my ex nearly 3 months ago. Although my situation had escalated to the worst evening of my life resulting in severe violence (and episodes in past which I hadn't reported). My nearly 3 yr old was asleep not far from where he attacked me.

It's so hard, u have to do right thing and have done. My ex basically got away with it as I hadn't logged previous & no 3rd parties (tho has indefinite harassment warning) so it's so important to not let it escalate.

I've had 3 months of absolute hell as result - retaliation in form of endless lies thro solicitor letters, SS etc. He's a very tit 4 tat, immature person so it's been v obvious venom and retaliation for having to protect myself....

We have been contacting thro solicitors and have just upped to weekly contact with son from fortnightly. I have severe reservations as he's v volatile, has bi-polar etc.

Will yr exh try to retaliate do u think? Have u thought about what access he's going to have to yr boys?
Huge hugs x

Original poster

Stranger88 · 03/02/2013 14:29

Thanks Anxious - I didn't have that much sleep, but I'm doing ok and shocked is now turning to something else. You wont believe he climbed into our bed to sleep even though I asked him not to - so we all slept in the same bed with my baby in the middle.

He is now behaving like nothing has happened and is blaming me for provoking him.

I am having none of it this is a person with anger issues that he needs to sort out. You can't go attacking someone just because they refused to do what you tell them.

I have had a word with my son, who is doing quite well. We talked about violence and how its wrong for a man to lose their temper and is it never ok to hit a woman or vice versa, whatever the provocation.

My next step now is taking it slowly - I need him out, if he's not going to get help. It doesn't look like he's going anywhere even though I over heard him booking a room.

thanks all

OP posts:

PureQuintessence · 03/02/2013 15:00

Refusing to give you space and to leave you alone, is just a continuation of the abuse, is it not?

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