DH, me & MIL - tis bad this time

[grants1000]

MIL & FIL stayed overnight, to attend step fathers funeral yesturday. I know my emotions are running high but MIL said a few things to my DS1 aged and to to DH that I overheard, as I was sitting next to her at the restaurant last night, that have left me fuming and utterly revolted.

For some background, there is a a 15 year history of wierdness from her and DH's step father in law, their behavior/constant rowing over the years, abandoned Christmas 2 years ago because of it. She moaned and complanied more in the last 24 hours than my Step Dad did with his MS and other health issues did in the last 12 years.

Last night she told my DH that I suffered from the 'british disease' of not using my talents and so did my Mum. In her mind unless you are a published author, photographer, renowned interior designer or making money from it, you are a bit of a dimwit. By the way she's no published anything, apparently you can't have a hobby and enjoy something unless it makes you money. She also told my 10 yo DS that dead people are all around, incuding right now and that when he was born dead people and that he could see his alive family too and they were watching - so he's now totally freaked out. She also said right after the funeral when we all ourside the chapel that 'all that sentiment in the service made her feel ill as sentiment is an unnecessary emotion"

They've just gone and I have just told DH that I never want to see her again. I can't take her shite anymore. People say it's her issue not yours and to just ignore it, but it's too fucked up and personal and I can't. I am reeling after yesturday and worried about my Mum and I don't have room for it anymore, I'm done.

If it makes you uncomfortable you don't have to put up with it. Tell DH to visit them on his own from now on.

She sounds like a total arse, when someone you love dies it seems to magnify other peoples faults, and from experience you find yourself angry that your lovely stepdad, mum, whoever, has died and yet the world is full of miserable toxic people.
I have been in a similar position and told my Dh that I would no longer be visiting his mum.
He knows she is unreasonable and weird but she is still his mum, but he also understands and respects my decision.
Don't see her again and if she asks why tell her!

Wow you didn't need that. I hope DH defended you. I don't blame you for not wanting to spend time with her again. What about DCs will you let DH take them on visits to his parents'?

Thanks all.

No DH did no defend me, he just sat there, glazed over as per usual when she goes off on one. And I won't be letting my children visit her EVER, if they want to see them they can come and stay near here and a have a visit that way.

I avoided DH yesturday and after sleeping on it I feel no less furious or hurt.

Last night she told my DH that I suffered from the 'british disease' of not using my talents and so did my Mum. In her mind unless you are a published author, photographer, renowned interior designer or making money from it, you are a bit of a dimwit

If an unpleasant, warped individual spouts forth in a critical way about someone then it's a load of tosh and not worth even listening to, and that should be your attitude. And after making it clear that that is your attitude to DMIL you can explain this to your frightened DS.

Her behaviour is ridiculous.

She sounds quite like my MIL. Among the many things she does to drive me nuts, she moans incessantly about her own health and tells anyone else with concerns that she's iller than them (my favourite, which I can laugh at now, was when DH phoned her for support as he'd been told I could die in theatre and her answer was " well, I've got an awful cold you know!). She also dabbles in very poor painting (oils) and sees herself as creative and keeps telling DH and I that we should make the effort to be creative. Neither of us has a creative bone in our bodies and we're quite happy with that, I love art and fiction but have no desire to paint or write myself. But, according to MIL, everything we have done in our lives is entirely worthless because we're not "creative". I'm often appalled that someone could rubbish their child's life and talents so (DH is clever and talented but not in "creative" ways) but she'll never change. My DH also ignores her and although it drives me nuts, I can see why he does it as engaging with her is just a waste of energy and stressful. She is incapable of listening to anyone or taking on board another viewpoint and in many way, his learned response of just ignoring her and letting it wash over him is a good one. It doesn't stress him and the rant tends to end quicker as he's not engaging in the conversation. After many years, I've started doing it myself.

My one sticking point is that I will not let her treat my children the way she treats DH.

Oh, I also flipped out a couple of years ago when she was particularly awful and told her that certain topics are never to be discussed with me ever again. I was quite, errm, insistant and she has never raised those topics with me since, although I know she did for a time keep asking DH to make me change my mind, she's given up now though as we've just stonewalled her on it.

I do feel for you. She does sound very like mine, in which case she was probably a rubbish mother too, it's not just a MIL thing.

She is an utter fruit loop!

My DM is a bit bonkers in the nut eccentric, and a lot of the time I just humour her as it's not worth the argument. So I have a certain amount of empathy with your DH in this situation. Possibly you could cut him some slack, and maybe have a quiet conversation with your DS about how his DGM sometimes says some odd things and that he shouldn't believe them or take them to heart.