How do I leave?

[Totallyataloss]

DP and I have been together approx 12 years. We literally disagree on everything but mainly parenting seems to be the sticking point in the last few years. Over these last few years, things have been getting worse and I am at the point where I actually hate him and dread weekends where we have to do "family things". These things usually escalate into a major argument, as per this morning.

We have a DS, nearly 3 and I am 20 weeks pg.

I absolutely feel I cannot do this anymore for my own sanity and all my DS hears us do together is shout at each other and argue.

I have offered counselling but he doesn't believe in it.

Something drastic needs to happen because I cannot keep doing this.

We did split up for approx 18 months some years back but we got back together. I fell pregnant with DS quite quickly after that and we have kind of ended up in this situation.

I work part time (3 full days per week). He works full time (5 days) but short hours. He used to work longer hours and spend at least 1 week per month abroad as part of his job and things were easier for us then. He does a lot of the running around childcare stuff but it wouldn't be a problem for me to do this.

He is fantastic with DS who loves him dearly and I would never stop them from having a relationship. However, I would like to leave with DS. I don't care about the house and anyway really it's his.

He can be a bit of a bully when things aren't going his way and I dread having "the conversation" with him because he will shout and say horrible things. I wouldn't put it past him to try to physically take DS...

Please can someone help me and advise me how I can leave with minimum affect on my DS and my own sanity.

Thank you if you have read this far.

couldn't read and run but I have no advice to offer about dh, I'm afraid.

I was convinced during my pregnancy (some years ago) that my marriage was breaking down.

it turned out that I had severe ant-natal depression but also that I had married a total knob and that my marriage was breaking down.

to minimise effects on ds, you need to discuss it when he's not there, make sure you tell him together if you do break up, set contact in stone, etc.

hope everything turns out as well as possible for you all.

You get someone to be with you when you have the conversation, and you leave with DS.

Or you change the locks when he's out. Then worry about details.

How can your man be fantastic with your DS when on the other hand he hears his parents argue all the time?. No he is not fantastic with your DS at all.

Women in abusive relationships often write that their man is a good dad more often than not because they can themselves think of nothing positive to write about their man. This is also the case here.

Counselling particularly joint counselling is a non starter anyway due to the ongoing emotional abuse. Joint counselling is often used by abusive men to further ensnare their victims into making out that its all their victim's fault.

The house is supposed to be a sanctuary, not a warzone. This is clearly not the life you want either for yourself or your DS or for your now unborn second child. Whose idea was it to have another child btw?.

Seek legal advice and help from Womens Aid asap, they can help you leave this man. As his partner your legal rights are limited, you say that the property is his?. Make plans to leave via such routes asap (enlist too the help of family and friends) and start rebuilding a new life for yourselves.

If we are both arguing all the time, does that mean that neither of us are fantastic with DS?

There used to be periods of getting along and I fell pregnant during the last one. Stupid idea or not the unborn baby is a reality and pinning blame on someone is not going to change the situation...

I had a look at the women's aid website but that seems to be geared towards victims of domestic violence so that doesn't fit with me. I do need to take legal advice though, I guess. Would that be through CAB or do Zi have to see a solicitor?

Thanks for the advice so far. Dies anyone know what the deal is with getting housing benefit or on the housing list? I have never had to think about anything like this before...

"If we are both arguing all the time, does that mean that neither of us are fantastic with DS?"

Put it that way, actually yes I think it does mean that.
Neither of you are making enough effort to solve your differences, either by working out your relationship, or ending it. But I guess it also depends on who is most unreasonable and who lets a disagreement escalate in to shouting and arguing?

I am not advocating that anybody just "take" anything and agree with the partner for the sake of peace, but if this is how your life together is, then I agree something has to change!

I also dont think changing the locks is the best idea, as you cannot lock him out of his home.

I take it you are not married?

No we are not married.

I know the current situation is not the best for anyone. I would like to have relationship counselling to try to work it out. I think we have gone too far to manage that ourselves. We live very separate lives but everything tends to come to a head on weekends... He won't entertain the idea of counselling so I am at a loss as to what to do except split up. Either that or I just swallow it all...

It is his home morally if not technically.

I would say he is the most unreasonable but he would say it was me. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle...

WA is not just for physical abuse.

Why not look at the links at the top of the Emotional Abuse thread, and see whether you think he matches? If not, then there may be hope through counselling. If you find bells ringing, then do please join the thread.