So Confused

[TieredConfusedMummy]

Hi,

I am so confused in my marriage at the moment, I have been with my husband for 9 years, since I was 16, and married for 4. We have a 2 year old DD. I am not happy in my relationship, but don't know if it's because I am expecting to much and being to critical.

My husband frequently says something and then says that he didn't or that I heard him wrong and asks why I can't accept that it's me and not him. He says that I am too soft with out daughter, I feel he is too strict. He can't let me get on with things, for example if he is upstairs and our DD is having a tantrum he has to come down stairs and ask what's going on, why am I dealing with it in this way etc... every time. He is money focused, and I have to explain what every spend was for. We never go out and do things. In the evenings we do everything together, if I want to go and read for example he gets huffy about it, though claims he doesn't.

I am on anti-anxiety medication, and whenever I get annoyed at him his first question is if I have had my 'pills'. I do the majority of the housework, and he only helps if I explicitly ask him to, and then I am likely to get sighing and him making a fuss about it. I also work 2 days a week and am a full time student. We never kiss and cuddle, though tbh even if he wanted to know I don't feel that way. Everything has to be structured and he has to know exactly what is happening each day, there is no spontinaity (sp, sorry). Also if I am stressed, or upset or not happy then there is no emotional support from him. He is also a very negative person, who always looks at the bad, which makes me dread telling him if there is a problem, i.e the car gets a puncture.

He says that he supports me, wants me to do well, but the way he acts is the opposite. I have been getting straight 2:1's at uni, yet when I told him my exams grades just gone he goes that we need to sort out my 'failing grades'.

There is no romance, and I find myself looking at other males. He is just so draining.

He does have good points: would never cheat on me, spends time on me (too much I feel though...). I don't know, I just feel trapped and stifled. I care for him and love him, but as a good friend I think....

Sorry that's so long

Look up the emotional abuse thread...lots of useful links there...think you will recognise some of this behaviour. You're not mad...your husband is doing this to you. I'd recommend counselling for you on your own if you can get it. Your college or uni probably offers a free or subsidised service. This will help you build your mental strength and plan your next moves.

...oh and good luck. You'd be amazed how many intelligent, smart women go through this kind of thing. You are not alone and there is a way out. Take care. Xx

Hi TCM. I'm no expert on troubled relationships (though a lot of people on here are, I think, and hopefully they will be along soon) but he sounds very controlling to me.

The practice of saying things and then pretending he didn't is something a person would only do to make another person feel crazy, as in, he is trying to make you feel like you can't trust your own hearing or memory. There is no normal reason for him to do that. And it sounds like his other actions are like that too -- he says he supports you, but bitches when you need support; he says he wants you to do well, but then when you do well, he says you didn't d well ... again, I can't see why he would do that except to make you feel confused and insecure about yourself. He doesn't sound good. Can you take your concerns to a counselor at school who can help you evaluate them?

You feel truly trapped and stifled because you actually are You have been married to him now for 4 years, this is what the next 4 will be like if you do not act decisively to get him out of your life.

This man has put you in a gilded cage of his own making and wants to keep you in it for good. Controlling behaviours are abusive, you went out with and married an abusive man.

I would not put it past him to cheat on you either when he is "bored" of you. Just because he has not cheated does not make him a better person. He is not allowing you to be your own person, he does nto think you can make decisions. You're being micro managed by him to your detriment. He is no friend of yours either and he does not know what the word love means. Love is also a verb, not just a word.

I would read the emotional abuse thread; all his behaviours towards you are controlling and thus abusive. He is following the script played out by such abusive and controlling men. I would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Your man is in those pages.

Also you met this person when you were 16 and had no real life experience behind you. He targetted you because he saw your own naiveity and vulnerability and you were probably also in a very low place yourself at that time. He wanted to systematically bring you down into his pit to make his own self feel better and that is exactly what he has done. Time to dig the way out of the hole he has put you in.

This is no life for you or your child; you would be far better off now working on rebuilding your own self esteem and worth (because he will destroy any remnants of that) with a view to ditching the deadweight i.e him. He is likely the reason you have been put on anti anxiety pills and he uses those against you to pull you further down.

2;1 is bloody great actually re your degree. He does not like you being nicer or cleverer than him due to his own inbuilt insecurity (damage which you cannot fix so do not try to fix him), he sees you as a threat so drags you down by controlling every aspect of your life.

Womens Aid are also helpful here; I would call them and enlist all possible help from family, friends and uni to get your and your child away from him.
The first step to get out is often the most difficult one to take and it is scarey but you cannot go on like this because he will destroy you in the end and by turn your child as well.

My husband frequently says something and then says that he didn't or that I heard him wrong : this is called gaslighting and it is designed to confuse and unsettle you

He can't let me get on with things controlling

He is money focused, and I have to explain what every spend was for. financially controlling: when you are an equal partnership both partners should have equal access and control of finances

he has to know exactly what is happening each day anxiety and some syndromes can make people like this but with the other features it sounds like he is socially isolating you

no emotional support from him because it's all about him you know: entitlement.

i recommend you read Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that? inside the minds of angry and controlling men" where I am sure you will find your husband described.

Then you can decide what you want to do.
But stay safe especially on-line. Use private browsing

And the links here may be of use www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1670070-Support-for-those-in-emotionally-abusive-relationships-16

I don't think he is a good person at all. I hereby give you permission to leave. And a 2.1 is great!!!!

Honestly, you'll be much happier on your own I promise x

Hi,

Thank you for all the responses, it's nice to feel listened to! The problem is that when things are going ok, they are good, and I do still care for him. How the hell do you leave someone you still care for?

Also some more things have come to mind. We had a chance to clear our debts with one of the IVA's I think they are called. So all our debts would have been written off after a year. H didn't want to as it would 'impact of his career prospects'.

I also worry as I am planning on doing my MSc and PHd after graduating, and this will involve one of those career loans. However H will not be keen on it, but I am not giving up my education for him.

Oh and H also got a 2:1 on his degree and is still bitter at times that he didn't get a first.

He can be supportive at times when he wants to be, but then after a few hours get annoyed that I am not 'ok' yet.

Another warning sign I've read is a man telling you he loves you very quickly. H told me he loved me after 4 weeks...

I feel so torn and confused. I care for him, he can be nice company, we have things in common, but also I dream of him leaving me...

Thanks for listening

A two year old.

A part time job.

Doing all the housework for a lazy sod.

You are gettinga 2:1.

You are amazing.

WTF has he done apart from go to work, come home and sit on his arse and let you do everything?

I am not happy in my relationship, but don't know if it's because I am expecting to much and being to critical

I think you have that the wrong way round, love, isn't he expecting too much and being too critical?

Thank you Xales I was starting to actually doubt that a 2:1 was a good grade!

He would say that he would help if I asked him/told him what to do, but I feel that I shouldn't have to do that to get help. Also he would say he works full time, and sorts out our 'entertainment', i.e things to watch.

Just thought of something else. Last night I was staying up late to do some extra work (reading a case study) and I was having an energy drink, so H asks me why I was drinking that.... thats not normal right?

I think you should call his bluff, ie. give him clear instructions and don't be shy asking for help. She's his child too! He shares the home with you! It isn't just something he does as a favour or to pass the time. It's called being a grown up and sharing responsibilities. Yes I agree, you shouldn't have to ask but you can't then not ask otherwise he will shrug and say, it's not his fault, you are being a martyr.

Regarding other men, please don't fall into the trap of looking elsewhere before you have sorted this relationship out. It's so easy to swap stories about "My partner doesn't understand me" and feel you gain more understanding elsewhere. You are young and some men will flirt and tell you what you long to hear just to chat you up and get you into bed. Don't make things more complicated.

Hi donkey No I definitely wouldn't start anything, or anything like that. I just sopmetimes look at other people and think 'what am I doing'... I have tried telling him, and while sometime he gets on and does it and 'makes an effort' other times I get the sighing that he can't be doing what he wants.

Leclerc we don't have sky, we have some series that we both like, and things I enjoy, music/series and stuff and he downloads them from apple and stuff and makes sure that we have them to watch, but still it hardly makes up for all I do!

I know there are many mature and sensible 16 year olds and not saying for a minute that you were still a child and not knowing what you were getting into, and besides I don't know what the age gap between you is. But it sounds like you are finding him more challenging as time goes on and you are already on anti-anxiety medication so I'd urge you to do as posters suggested earlier, look into counselling and try and get family or friends' support lined up.

he sounds exactly like my bastard ex. i thank my lucky stars i never married or had children with him but its not too late for you and your daughter. every point you have made resonates with me, ive been there. you can find a man who treats you properly or enjoy being alone. anythings got to better than what youre living with, surely?

Donkey there is a 4 year age gap between us, he was 20 when we got together...and we we both each others first relationship (still are). To be honest as I have been growing up I have found myself growing apart from him, and I don't feel that I have the room to be me in this relationship. Childish habits from a childish relationship have stayed and become the norm..I think that's why I find it so hard to know what to do, I have never experienced adult life without him.

This is not a normal relationship. He is gaslighting you. Have you looked that up? I know someone else has suggested this, too. I think once you do look at it you will realise exactly what's going on.

I would imagine he is terrified of you doing better than him at university. If he were to help out at home, he'd be enabling you to do better.

I think you're right to look at others to see what normal men and normal relationships are like, but I'd advise you to wait a while after ending this relationship before you enter another.

Sorry, I had to laugh that his input into family life was selecting what you should watch on tv. Does he really suggest this is equivalent to doing housework?

You met very young and you married when you were young, too. It sounds as though he's threatened by your change and terrified you'll overtake you. His response is to try to squash you down. Your response should be to continue to grow and develop and if he can't cope with that, you should leave.

Some wise words already spoken TCM, but I wanted to add that you are not alone and are not a bad person for having these thoughts.

Sometimes controlling men 'grow' into that role the longer a relationship goes on. I know my ex did, he wasn't a controlling twat when we first got together so for years I questioned myself/my sanity just as you describe.

My only regret is giving it as long as I did to sort things out. Its odd because at the time I wanted to have no regrets that I hadn't tried hard enough to save the relationship (for th sakes of the dc's etc) so I persisted with trying to solve 'our' problems.

We went for couples counselling and it was only after they suggested separate sessions that I started to realise just how controlled by him I was

I will never get those few years back and I was utterly miserable for a long time.

Read the literature available, try and get some counselling or perspective from elsewhere (how supportive are your family?).

The energy drink thing is something like what my ex would say, then after a while it got worse and he might say something like 'are you having that energy drink because you are planning on going out after I'm asleep?' (No you twat, I'm drinking it because I am starting on something at ten o'clock becaause I've fucking been busy all day doing shit that you never help with!)

Twat. Sounds like your dh is one these too.

I care for him and love him, but as a good friend I think....

Unfortunately he will seem less of a good friend as time goes on. The other worrying aspect is that your little girl will grow up seeing how her parents get on and think this is how relationships work. Daddy's bossy, Mummy's sad. He may come from a family background that saw children and housework as women's work but you are bright and hard-working and juggling studies and everything else. There's being careful with money and not splashing it about, and there's being controlling and limiting what you can do.

I am not saying he will thwart any career or job you have later but if you weigh things up as they are now and don't have confidence that he will be supportive as you develop, I can see you back on here in 10 years' time, maybe another child or two, still living up to his standards, unhappy and wishing you'd taken action.

Thank you all for the responses. I honestly don't think he started out as controlling, and 'picking' me. But I do think that as the relationship has gone on things have grown and developed into what it is now. My family, hmmm I haven't told any of them anything about it to honest. I guess I am worried that talking about it in real life will mean I have to confront it... Things don;t seem to be getting progressively worse, its just that they have been like this for a good 3-4 years.

My H definitely grew up in a household like that Donkey His mum worked flat out, but also did all the housework and childcare, his dad even now doesn't know how to use the washing machine or cooker.

I dread looking back and regretting my choice, but I feel so wrung out already.