Should we separate?

[PinkPlum]

I'm new here so hi all. Had such a terrible day, really need to vent/ get some perspective on the chaos that I feel is my life right now. 28 years old, 2 lovely sweet babies (2.5 yr old dd and 1 yr old ds). Husband and I argue a lot. I gave up a great career,earning 3 times what he earns, to raise our babies. I did agree to this as he was so keen to focus on his career and tbh I don't think he would cope looking after the kids. I absolutely love being with my babies all day. They are the sweetest children and are my rays of sunshine. I feel blessed to have them. But am now totally stuck. Husband is on low salary but agreed that he would be responsible for bills etc as I am not able to as not working. He doesnt have to pay rent as my father owns the house and v generously doesn't charge us. so all we have to pay is food and bills. i have no money as i am not working. However, he now refuses to pay overdue bills as we have been arguing.. Says he will if I say "please" ( how demeaning) and so I do and then he still doesn't! I feel so stupid but what am I to do? His parents live locally so he runs off there whenever things get tough. He comes and goes as he pleases but my babies love him so much and miss him so I haven't had the heart to make him go Until tonight. he said he wasn't coming home, which was fine (great in fact from my perspective!) but then rocks up as I am putting kids to bed (typical selfish him!) so I let them have a few mins with their father and then took them to bed. My dd cried for him but I cuddled her and said he was going to work, and she fell asleep. Ds was still awake. I told him to leave. Tbh I don't think he had any intention of staying for long. He took some of his things and left after calling me a bad mother etc.

Now I feel totally tormented with guilt at what I must be putting my babies through, ESP my dd who is so aware and clever and knows there is a problem between mummy and daddy. Should I have just kept my gob shut for her sake and let them have time together? Let him stay even though he won't pay bills? I feel so sad for my babies especially my dd. can she cope with all this? I try to shield her from arguments but sometimes it is tough and we snap at each other in front of her. Any advice anyone? Am I being a horrible mum?

Ok I'm going to be honest and tell you that I wanted to shake you when you said that you gave up a career that paid 3 times the money your husband earned because that's madness. The fact that he had a penis made him no more likely to have been able to look after small children than you. Like any parent, he would have had to bloody cope and learn at the same time.

I just hope you can get back to that career - can you?

Because the very best thing for your family now is that he stays left and you stick to that. He sounds like a prize arse and you are well rid of him.

Just because you'll be separated, doesn't mean he'll stop being a father, so stop all this guilt about breaking up. It's far worse for kids to grow up in a warzone and you've already noticed your daughter knows it's a troublesome marriage.

Pinkplum, well yes, he does sound like quite an arse. I would let him go off for now so you call all cool down a bit. BUT, before we all condemn the relationship as terminal, remember that you've had massive changes in your life in a very short time also having very young children is hugely stressful and heaps of relationships go through a duff time when the kids are tiny.

Do you feel that there is hope for the relationship? Is your dh generally a nice man?

If you could sort the finances out - ie how the hell does he expect you to pay bills if you have no earnings?

Can you get back into your career in a part time capacity?

You need to discuss with him exactly how he sees the relationship moving forward. What does he see as the future - ie you both working? Childcare etc, responsibilities for bills etc.

To be honest he sounds like a very young and immature man having a hissy fit about the realities of life.

Oh and OP you sound like a great mum to me.

Fair play its great u love being with them all the time....i struggle at the moment! Your dp is lucky he doesn't have rent to pay,we have similar set up to u but my dp pays all bills and rent and doesn't moan. Sounds like your situation wil only get worse u don't even need him as he's not contributing really is he?

Your DP sounds like a prick who is enjoying and exploiting the fact that he now has control of the finances. He sounds like a bit of a loser too...crap job, swans about doing what he wants, making you beg for bills to be paid, calling you a crap mum but happy to take the free rent. Who does this guy think he is?

Thanks for replies everyone. Never posted on here or anywhere before so it is really nice to get others views on the situation.
I know I shouldn't have given up a well paying job but I felt that my kids needed me. You're right he would just have to cope if he was left to it but tbh whenever I have left him with kids (even when I am just upstairs) he cannot manage and one of the kids ends up with an injury cos he lets them do what they want and is pretty crap when it comes to common sense! For example, he will let my 2yr old play with a screwdriver "because she really wanted to!" ?! He doesn't get it. So I stick around virtually all the time which means I never get a break but at least I know they are safe. It's my own doing I realise that. He would never wash or sterilise bottles properly as babies so I got used to doing everything myself so that my kids would never suffer.
I come from a family where it was always really important to work hard and I've always been really independent so I do think what is the point of him being here if he doesn't even contribute to bills. He only pays for food shopping but ALWAYS moans about it! I am thinking I don't let him back in for a while as I really want some peace and quiet and no drama. But is it right keeping him away from kids? I feel so torn. I know the finances should be kept separate from the children but part of me feels that if he wants to enjoy his children he should be supporting them. He has left them, as well as me, in the lurch by going and not paying overdue elec and gas bills. They adore him though and I can't bear to see them missing him, especially if I could have avoided it.

ClaudiaSchiffer - yes I suppose deep down he is an ok guy. Just hard for me to see it at the moment because of all the problems. I think he has his family winding him up too because they have never really been helpful to me. They think the sun shines out of his...and he can do no wrong so he believes that too. I really don't know what the solution is

Badinage, thanks for the advice. You are right, I was totally mad for giving up such a good job. My career had really taken off when I became pregnant. if i'm honest i don't feel too bad because of the joy i get from being with my babies. I won't be able to go back to the same job, but same profession and should be able to pick something decent up when I'm ready to but would now be part-time because of kids so obv not as high a salary. Right now, because of all the problems and tension I feel so protective over my babies that I would feel really guilty leaving them to go to work and would need to sort childcare etc.

What have you got from this relationship to date?.

You sound like another seemingly together confident woman who has been taken for a mug by a man who has turned out to be both selfish and entitled (his own family has undoubtedly contributed to his feelings of entitlement seeing that they think the sun shines out of his behind). Let his own parents continue to enable him, you have two children to look after and you do not need an immature selfish manchild.

I hope he stays gone but he'll probably come crawling back promising that he'll (really meaning you) change for the better.

Cut your losses now and ditch this deadweight of both a husband and father for your sakew as well as your childrens'. This man is not an ideal role model for them is it?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?. Is this really the role model that you want them to see and emulate?.